Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Yesterday, I wrote on here about getting close to that point of separating from your spouse, of looking into the unknown and deciding what to do.
Well, last night, my wife came over to eat dinner with me and my roommate, and I felt intense feelings toward her...like those feelings I felt when we first met. It's hard to describe beyond the cliche butterflies/knot in the stomach. She looked great, and I just can't stop thinking about her. I'm in love. I know it. It's the first time since D-Day about four months ago I've felt this way...maybe I've been shielding myself?
When I woke up this morning, I sent her a long text saying all this, and saying I'm seeing what I want: To make this work. I screwed up so bad, but I'm willing to do anything now to work on this. I'm all in. I said that if she even feels a little love toward me that I hope that's enough to move forward.
She told me she doesn't think we're on the same page, and that it might not be enough. This didn't surprise me, given what she's said previously, but it still hurt real bad. I'm afraid that me opening up right now is just going to get me heartbroken. We're going to try to talk more in person soon, but I'm scared I won't like what I hear.
Is one bad mistake by me (my A) really enough to end 7+ years of a good thing and give up a chance at a good future? I just can't see that being the case, but then again, I'm not in her shoes. Why, though, if she sees me spilling my soul--and if she feels even a little connection toward me--can we not get past this? Can't we learn from this and get stronger? Is pure love really not enough?
I'm feeling on the verge of being heartbroken, and I'm as confused and scared now as I've been at any point since D-Day. This is hell, a hell I created and desperately want to escape.
Well, last night, my wife came over to eat dinner with me and my roommate, and I felt intense feelings toward her...like those feelings I felt when we first met. It's hard to describe beyond the cliche butterflies/knot in the stomach. She looked great, and I just can't stop thinking about her. I'm in love. I know it. It's the first time since D-Day about four months ago I've felt this way...maybe I've been shielding myself?
When I woke up this morning, I sent her a long text saying all this, and saying I'm seeing what I want: To make this work. I screwed up so bad, but I'm willing to do anything now to work on this. I'm all in. I said that if she even feels a little love toward me that I hope that's enough to move forward.
She told me she doesn't think we're on the same page, and that it might not be enough. This didn't surprise me, given what she's said previously, but it still hurt real bad. I'm afraid that me opening up right now is just going to get me heartbroken. We're going to try to talk more in person soon, but I'm scared I won't like what I hear.
Is one bad mistake by me (my A) really enough to end 7+ years of a good thing and give up a chance at a good future? I just can't see that being the case, but then again, I'm not in her shoes. Why, though, if she sees me spilling my soul--and if she feels even a little connection toward me--can we not get past this? Can't we learn from this and get stronger? Is pure love really not enough?
I'm feeling on the verge of being heartbroken, and I'm as confused and scared now as I've been at any point since D-Day. This is hell, a hell I created and desperately want to escape.
I still think that your W having that other guy in her life that she is dating is nothing but a distraction from dealing with her feelings about you and the marriage. She very well may be weighing the differences between you and him, instead of marriage vs. divorce. He has the advantage--it is a new relationship where things are often viewed through rose-colored glasses. Not to mention, if he wants her, he very well might be putting negative thoughts about you and the marriage in her head.
But if I'm in love, I need to show it, and I need to fight. Hard.
I get what you are saying and it is good that you are felling those things, but you should not pour your heart out to W right now. The more you do that, the more you will push her away or to say thing that hurt you. Rightly or wrongly, she is hurt and rightly or wrongly, she wants you to hurt. In this kind of situation, the less you say is better. Imagine a puppy dog that won't stop following you around to lick you. It gets annoying. You don't want to be that needy puppy dog.
I would suggest that next time you tell her that you had a really good time and that you hope we can do this again. Short and sweet - less is more.
Best
I don't want to hurt her anymore, though, so I hear what you're saying. I want to be gentle.
It is good that you told her all those, but now switch it up and play it just a little cool with her. That will add enough intrigue for her to be curious about you and want to spend more time with you.
Having the roommate around is good too. He is sort of the foil and i am sure that it eases some of the tension for you. Add a little wine and . . .
Anyway i am pulling for you.
I've asked her if she'd like to have a "staycation" night this weekend at a hotel, just her and I alone together. She said she'll think about it
Mike, I envy you. I wish I felt those feeling for my W, it would make my committment to behaving much easier. It comes and goes, but mostly goes.
Curious to see how Sedg's strategy works out. My gut says honestly/vulnerability is the best policy, and that strategic manipulation would backfire, but there is something to be said for not being your own worst enemy too...
And clearly, my best thinking and "gut" reactions in the past put me where I am, so I'm hardly one to offer advice.
Keep us posted, I'm keen to hear how it goes!
If I were in your W's shoes, I would want you to be fighting for me. I would want you to tell me that you love me and that you are willing to do everything it takes to repair the damage that was done, and everything in your power to assure that you will never hurt her like that again. I do not perceive being honest like you described to be weakness. Groveling is showing weakness, but this can be conveyed without groveling IMHO.
When a man plays it cool with me, it makes me feel a coolness toward him too, as coolness can come across as not caring any more. This coolness historically has got me nowhere, and it just created more separation. I guess everyone is different.
So that's my two cents as a victim of cheating.