Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
My mom has had back problems for years, and she's in her mid 70's. My sister passed away recently and I think she's still having issues with that even though she seems like she isn't. She was showering fairly decently when my sister was here, although my sis would come over and come into her room and tell me it smelled. At first I didn't think so, but then I noticed that it did smell around her bed. But I just sorta let it go and just got some fabreeze and went on with the day.
After my sister passed I fell apart and am still depressed actually, and I did go through my own period of not showering due to depression. It is still hard for me to do it, so I do understand her to a degree. Plus, she's retired and her day consists of waking up and sitting in front of the TV until she goes to bed.
I had my own issues going on, but about a week or so ago I suddenly noticed she was starting to smell, but only if you got really close, so it's not to bad yet, but I realized that it's been weeks, maybe even a couple months since she has showered. We live together and, yes, there could be a chance that she showers when I'm at work, but I don't think that has been the case. Yesterday I felt she smelled pretty bad. I don't think she brushes her teeth either.
I made a comment that I cleaned up the bathroom and shower and I asked her when was the last time she showered? She didn't out right reply to that but then mentioned that she was going to use the shower seat that my sister bought years ago and that was very helpful to her.
I don't know if that was enough to imply that she needs to take a shower or not. I have a feeling she is depressed and since she doesn't go anywhere, I think she just don't think about it. When she does go out she just gets dressed and goes. I think her back problems are another issue. She wants to sit as much as possible and the effort to take a shower is low on her mind.
I just have my own depression and the idea of having to deal with this is even worse, not to mention she's a hoarder. I don't even have my sister here for help and as an ally.
How do I get the shower thing going again? Just flat out ask? I felt she was a little embarrassed when I mentioned it before. I don't want it getting so bad that other people notice and say something. She is so oblivious that she woudn't even know she was being talked about. Thanks.
After my sister passed I fell apart and am still depressed actually, and I did go through my own period of not showering due to depression. It is still hard for me to do it, so I do understand her to a degree. Plus, she's retired and her day consists of waking up and sitting in front of the TV until she goes to bed.
I had my own issues going on, but about a week or so ago I suddenly noticed she was starting to smell, but only if you got really close, so it's not to bad yet, but I realized that it's been weeks, maybe even a couple months since she has showered. We live together and, yes, there could be a chance that she showers when I'm at work, but I don't think that has been the case. Yesterday I felt she smelled pretty bad. I don't think she brushes her teeth either.
I made a comment that I cleaned up the bathroom and shower and I asked her when was the last time she showered? She didn't out right reply to that but then mentioned that she was going to use the shower seat that my sister bought years ago and that was very helpful to her.
I don't know if that was enough to imply that she needs to take a shower or not. I have a feeling she is depressed and since she doesn't go anywhere, I think she just don't think about it. When she does go out she just gets dressed and goes. I think her back problems are another issue. She wants to sit as much as possible and the effort to take a shower is low on her mind.
I just have my own depression and the idea of having to deal with this is even worse, not to mention she's a hoarder. I don't even have my sister here for help and as an ally.
How do I get the shower thing going again? Just flat out ask? I felt she was a little embarrassed when I mentioned it before. I don't want it getting so bad that other people notice and say something. She is so oblivious that she woudn't even know she was being talked about. Thanks.
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Is her doctor aware of any of the issues that you've mentioned in your post? You want to make sure there's nothing medically wrong causing this type of behavior.
Now is a good time for you to start getting on your mother's medical records as having access to her information. You might need to have medical POA to do this.
One way to get this started is to let your mother know that doctors don't always know the wishes of their patients, and without explicit orders in the chart their hands are often tied. So by giving you POA this allows you to make sure that your mother's wishes are followed.
This will also give you the right to have a conversation with her doctors where they will interact with you just like they do with your mother. No questions will be out of bounds, they will answer all questions to the best of their ability. So you can ask the doctor about things like her personal hygiene.
But yes, it sounds like you need to be up front with your mom. You can let her know that sister's death hit you hard too, but that both of you need to make sure that you get plenty of sleep, exercise (as appropriate), eat balanced meals, and make sure you shower, brush teeth, etc.
Pepperman, that is a good idea about the POA. I just feel so lost myself and I'm not assertive and decisive and the idea of having to make these kinds of choices by myself is overwhelming. It makes me long for my sister even more and then I do get depressed that I can't have her again.
She has not been to her doctor in months and I also found out she has not been taking her medication because she ran out. So, I feel like she is depressed and don't know what to do about it.
I told her she needs to make a doctor appointment and then I will take the day off and drive her. She can get around pretty good, but she hasn't been out on the bus since I bought my car. I just feel like she has given up a lot of things because of her back. She blames that for everything, so I told her she needs to see a doctor and see if he can give her some new meds or something.
she used the excuse of her back hurting and being tired of why she can't do anything, but I try to tell her you have to try to help yourself. So this is where I think depression is coming into place.
Ugh, this life is just bullshit now. I hate everything about it.
Pepper is right, once you have a POA in place, you'll be able to make appointments etc. for her. That will save you some worry.
It's not easy having to tackle the day to day care, I can sympathize with you on the bad days. I do have a lot of good days with my mother but when she's in a bad mood.... Oh, it makes it very tough...
hugs
Also not wanting anybody to let anybody help them for fear of embarrassment.
The first time my Mom accepted help she was MORTIFIED! But she eventually got used to it!
I personally need to shower once a day, especially if I am active. Others seem to be able to get away with a shower once ever 2 or 3 days. I can easily see how a 'once every 2 or 3 days' person can slip into the once every other week thing.
And from there, ... yikes!
that was my worst fear and seeing your aged parent naked the first few times can be quite disturbing.