Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I have ideas as to why.... I sent my mother a thinking of you card and wrote a very nice note saying that I don't understand what it is like to not be able to see well and that I will always be there for here and that I love her very much. she was thrilled, my dad was very pleased I did this. I don't know why I did it, she drives me nuts, cant stand being around for long yet I felt really bad and don't want her to feel unloved. I do things like this when I feel bad about me and how I feel about something or someone and don't want them to dislike me even if thay drive ne up the wall. does anyone else do things like this?
today I get the joy on my day off to take her grocery shopping, they have no food, I have told her over and over when she goes with someone to stock up so you don't have to go 4 times a week or then run out. she never listens starts a new topic about herself. I am being selfish regarding the time, she cant go until 1 and I don't want to go then, I have an eating disorder and it is messing with my rigidity of eating times, and it is getting me out of whack today, I just have to deal.
on sunday she was complaining about her toenails being to long and she cant cut them and dad said it is my job, yuck, I don't want to do it. I know I should, I shouldn't be turned off but I also know her grooming isn't great and also I wont do it the way she likes it as stupid as that sounds.
I just feel my days off our so centered around taking care of things, my sister does things on the weekends and I do on sundays too, I shouldn't resent this so much, it is just frustrating as I walk on eggshells and have to bite my cheeks to keep my mouth shut or I will explode.
on sunday susan and I brought her to a store for a winter coat and some other things, last time susan brought her in a small wheel chair and all she did was complain about how cramped it was in the store so this past snday she just had her cane and wished she had the wheel chair, I thought susan would explode. of course the coat is gong back, she doesn't like it anymore, I am not going on sunday even though she said she hopes I go, susan can bring her.
why do I feel such guilt??
today I get the joy on my day off to take her grocery shopping, they have no food, I have told her over and over when she goes with someone to stock up so you don't have to go 4 times a week or then run out. she never listens starts a new topic about herself. I am being selfish regarding the time, she cant go until 1 and I don't want to go then, I have an eating disorder and it is messing with my rigidity of eating times, and it is getting me out of whack today, I just have to deal.
on sunday she was complaining about her toenails being to long and she cant cut them and dad said it is my job, yuck, I don't want to do it. I know I should, I shouldn't be turned off but I also know her grooming isn't great and also I wont do it the way she likes it as stupid as that sounds.
I just feel my days off our so centered around taking care of things, my sister does things on the weekends and I do on sundays too, I shouldn't resent this so much, it is just frustrating as I walk on eggshells and have to bite my cheeks to keep my mouth shut or I will explode.
on sunday susan and I brought her to a store for a winter coat and some other things, last time susan brought her in a small wheel chair and all she did was complain about how cramped it was in the store so this past snday she just had her cane and wished she had the wheel chair, I thought susan would explode. of course the coat is gong back, she doesn't like it anymore, I am not going on sunday even though she said she hopes I go, susan can bring her.
why do I feel such guilt??
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I invited Bill to have dinner with me last Sunday. He wasn't willing to drive 7 hours to mid Michigan and teased me with his beautiful ribs!!! So, of course I ate alone and had cedar salmon
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
Elderly parents can be very good at manipulating adult children into doing everything for them using guilt.
Don't fall for it!
A podiatrist can do her toes. If she refuses to go just tell her, then OK. They wont get cut then.
If she is nasty and rude tell her if she does not start to treat you with respect you are not going to help her any more.
Then LEAVE!!!
SURE they will get mad if you try to stand up for yourself! And it takes a very long time.
But nothing will change if you don't try and your mental and physical health are important too
Perhaps the best way forward is to accept things the way they are, and adjust your expectations about the way they can be accordingly.
Gentle hugs
My mom is not an easy person, but being here has shown me I'm not alone.
My mom and I are both diabetic's and mom use to go to the podiatrist (they have one that comes to her facility) and had her toenails trimmed about ever 6-8 weeks. I try to take my mom out once a week to make sure she gets out into the real world and I also thought it would be nice to TRY and have a mother daughter relationship.....you know.....the one everyone talks about.
My mom is about as warm and fuzzy as a porcupine.....but she is still my mom and the only one I will have at this point. Soooooo we go over to the mall a few blocks away every 3 or 4 weeks and have manicures and pedicures. The beauty of it is she is on one side of the salon and I am on the other side getting work done simultaneously....so we kinda are there together but apart. They dig both our ingrown toenails out and make us both purty :P
If this sounds like a good idea to you too, just make sure you go to a reputable nail salon. Make sure they clean their instruments or take your own. Mom takes her own polish so she can do touch ups in between appointments. At least I don't have that icky job and I get pampered too :)
It is good to realize that you will NEVER have a perfect relationship with your mom.....lower expectations softens the blow.
I've adopted other people outside family and it is working out quite well. I am happier and I can deal with my nasty mom on a better level.
With tons of counseling, I have learned to not take my moms nastiness personally.....this is her problem I have found that when mom gets nasty....I give her a warning that I will leave or hang up the phone and then I follow through. A day or two later.....she is calling me and is very nice. I even got a thank you note in the mail a few days ago....I almost fell over as it was quite unexpected that I should ever get a thank you much less a kind word from the woman. It was a very nice gesture and made me know I am on the right track of setting boundaries and being firm but loving.
I will have no regrets when she is gone becuz even though I am not perfect, I am doing the best I can with an uncooperative opponent.
Hang in there. Stand your ground and if you can....get some counseling for yourself to learn to deal with your mom and siblings......especially your brother.
The girls pampering mani pedie idea sounds good too. She might be more receptive to that.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
My mom manipulates me like an animal and I let her, so my Bad.