What do you want for your mom?

Take away the mean words. Take away the feelings.

That is the key to figuring out if the stay at home is still workable for your mom.

The "not liking" depends on the actual situation.

Not being able to get along...it takes a lot of patience and acceptance that you will get all of the words, all of the changing independence words, and it is up to you to not take them personally.

You are responsible for what you say, do, react, and respond. You are NOT responsible for what your mom says, does, reacts, and responds.

In changing your response to neutral and general statements, it will force your mom to change her response, which may get worse before they get better.

Best wishes as you navigate through this challenging situation.

You are still a teenager, right? Some of what I am going to write is geared for people with elderly parents. I don’t know what is wrong with your mom that she can’t take car of herself or you but I want to speak in a general way. It is okay to feel how you feel and maybe be overwhelmed by the care you mom needs in addition to her personality issues. If your mom has always been difficult or mean, if she has any dementia right now, her personality may become more difficult due to the dementia. If she is ill or frail, but still has good cognitive reasoning - which is her ability to make good decisions, too cook, balance her checkbook, know it’s bedtime or time to brush teeth - her negativity may stem from pain, fear of getting older, fear and anxious over loss of independence. If she is losing her good executive functioning, you can’t let her make the decisions. And if she can’t take care of herself, we can’t let them live in self neglect or bad conditions. You don’t have to like your mom to still do the right thing for her. I suggest getting a geriatric care manager Or social worker in to assess your mom if there is any questions in your mind. I had to insist my mom do what I thought was best for her in her last round of cancer which meant getting help in her house, driving her instead of allowing her to drive. My mom was grumpy from refusing pain meds and said mean things to me which hurt my feelings. Hospice said she was in pain but refusing pain med, she was the martyr and unhappy type but a nice person otherwise. I insisted hospice give her pain meds and insisted she take them for her comfort. It was hard but she was incapable of making good decisions at that point and it wasn’t morally right I thought to allow her to suffer. My in-laws both had awful dementia and illness and I had to watch the power of attorney do nothing because the in laws refused help. Their dementia meant they were not safe alone and were not being taken care of well. Plenty of money but the in-laws were allowed to drive the train. So you see I have experience and strong feelings. Assistive living facilities and nursing homes have to assess the person and make sure they need the service. You might have a good facility that has both AL and skilled nursing come out to assess her while you are there. Maybe take her to visit a nice place, they’ll feed both of you lunch, and you’ll be able to see how she acts and whether or not she can even manage a visit physically. Also consider that no, she won’t be happy no matter what because she has aged out of her old life and maybe has anger and sadness, is is cognitively challenged and your role is to find her good care. Period. Let go of how mean she is and you don’t like her, although I totally get it. My in-laws were not likable either and their dementia just made their negativity a real burden to us. A book I often recommend is “Loving Hard to Love Parents” by Paul K Chafetz, PhD. I think you and the cousin could go tour or visit an AL or nursing home and see what it is like within mom, too. If both you and cousin can come to an agreement, then you both can tell mom together and pack her up and move her out. Find out how much a facility costs vs how much 24/7 home healthcare costs. Both are expensive. Assuming she needs it. If you are going to live with her and be her caregiver, then get support from the AARP or the Alzheimer’s Association. You need skills to not argue or expect mom to be rational and cooperative. I realize you are young and I guess mom is fairly young also. If she is dying, hospice will be ever so helpful if she is not already on hospice. The book I recommended has some skills for the adult child and there are videos on the Alzheimer’s Association’s website about dealing with the negative behaviors. Best wishes to you.

Oh, Bluebird, I see you are an adult not the 15 it says on your profile page,

Thank you MID and Urbangardener for your insights. Experience, knowledge and kindness. It was very helpful and gives food for thought. I will make another post to add further and ask a question.

I hope you in I w it is hard caring for a loser person maybe you can ask for help lots of resources out there.