Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I am new here and don't even know where to begin really. My life seems a mess.
My mom is 69 and severly disabled. She is wheelchair and almost bed bound and can't be left alone at all. She lives about 2 blocks away so I can help my stepdad care for her. We also have someone come in 30 hours a week to help her. She refuses to go to a nursing home and my stepdad won't put her there either. She is severly depressed and has so many docs and meds and things wrong I can't even begin to name it all here. I have had to care for her for whole life. My brother lives in another state and can't help.
My husband became disabled about a year ago for severe migraines and back issues. Last summer, his father who is 82 years old moved in with us and has dementia. He has no money except a small amount of social security and there are not funds to pay to put him somewhere. The family has always been very close and every holiday is a huge get together. However, now that their mom has passed away and dad can't live on his own none of them can take him on but us. The issue is we have begged, pleaded, you name it and they won't help us. One sister has come over about once a month to take him to dinner so my hubby and I can have a date night. Really once a month for 2 to 3 hours and there are 3 of your siblings? This once class family I have no tolerance for and resent them. I don't know how I can even tolerate to go to another family function. When I ask any of them if we can discuss a plan for when he gets worse they say no, they can't think that far ahead. My husband is the baby of the family and won't stand up to them. We love his dad but honestly it is 24/7 and my husband and I can't even have a private conversation about his dad, money, etc.. as his dad is ALWAYS with us.
I also work full time and am the supporter of our family and we also have 3 kids all in college or around that age that on occassion need help and I am paying college loans.
I am beyond exhausted, an introvert who desperately needs quiet alone time and a break. I am also starting to worry about my own health - I know I am eating from stress and have gotten very overweight. I know they say put on your oxygen mask first and take care of yourself and set boundaries. How in the heck do I do that when not just one but so many people rely on me? I even told one sister in law that I literally wanted to run away, and her response was she would pray for me. Really? Oh and they all know the years I put in and the condition of my mom since it is just my mom and stepdad and I they are invited to all family gatherings from my hubby's side so they know what I do.
Please help! I am drowning!
My mom is 69 and severly disabled. She is wheelchair and almost bed bound and can't be left alone at all. She lives about 2 blocks away so I can help my stepdad care for her. We also have someone come in 30 hours a week to help her. She refuses to go to a nursing home and my stepdad won't put her there either. She is severly depressed and has so many docs and meds and things wrong I can't even begin to name it all here. I have had to care for her for whole life. My brother lives in another state and can't help.
My husband became disabled about a year ago for severe migraines and back issues. Last summer, his father who is 82 years old moved in with us and has dementia. He has no money except a small amount of social security and there are not funds to pay to put him somewhere. The family has always been very close and every holiday is a huge get together. However, now that their mom has passed away and dad can't live on his own none of them can take him on but us. The issue is we have begged, pleaded, you name it and they won't help us. One sister has come over about once a month to take him to dinner so my hubby and I can have a date night. Really once a month for 2 to 3 hours and there are 3 of your siblings? This once class family I have no tolerance for and resent them. I don't know how I can even tolerate to go to another family function. When I ask any of them if we can discuss a plan for when he gets worse they say no, they can't think that far ahead. My husband is the baby of the family and won't stand up to them. We love his dad but honestly it is 24/7 and my husband and I can't even have a private conversation about his dad, money, etc.. as his dad is ALWAYS with us.
I also work full time and am the supporter of our family and we also have 3 kids all in college or around that age that on occassion need help and I am paying college loans.
I am beyond exhausted, an introvert who desperately needs quiet alone time and a break. I am also starting to worry about my own health - I know I am eating from stress and have gotten very overweight. I know they say put on your oxygen mask first and take care of yourself and set boundaries. How in the heck do I do that when not just one but so many people rely on me? I even told one sister in law that I literally wanted to run away, and her response was she would pray for me. Really? Oh and they all know the years I put in and the condition of my mom since it is just my mom and stepdad and I they are invited to all family gatherings from my hubby's side so they know what I do.
Please help! I am drowning!
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So mad at Xfinity! They're trying to charge me $115 per month for the same service I had been paying $50 the last four years. I took the equipment to UPS for shipping and cancelled my subscription today! Next door was a cookie shop called Crumbl. I had heard of it before but never went in until today. I don't need one more sugar fix, but maybe it will help with my sad) grieving heart....$15...
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I know this is stupid, but after not being able to find a job after graduation for almost two years, I ended up just taking an online teaching job because I couldn't find anything in my field. I was trying to get out of teaching and I feel so devastated. I felt this crushing feeling when I signed the paperwork and when I was in the meetings. I know that sounds so dramatic but it is how I felt. It...
Limits work best when there is active behavior from people that you want to modify. Like they yell at you instead of talking politely. Your case is the opposite, the behavior you want to change is them doing nothing. Is there any leverage you have with them? I know this is hard, because your husband should be working them but he is not.
Another thing you can do is to talk to a lawyer. Legal action may not be the best thing to do, in fact there may be nothing you can do legally. But talking to a lawyer can at least let you know what legal options you have.
And shame on your in-laws for not helping out at all. 3 hours once a month is nothing compared to what you do.
Just a final thought, can you shame them into helping you? Perhaps they find being with him unpleasant? Perhaps they would be more willing to pay for respite care so you can have more date nights with your husband.
Gentle hugs
For your Father in Law, if no one else in the family will step forward to help you then it's you again that needs to have him moved to a home where he can be cared for as needed. The NH's will work with the family, when your FIL's monies are gone, then the state steps in to pay for his care.
It's not an easy position for you to be in, I understand that but you have to stand up for yourself also. Meet with an estate attorney that can offer advice on next steps for both of these elderly people.
No one person can take care of this much and not expect to suffer caregiver burnout. It's ridiculous!
When my father became very ill years back the hospital was going to release him to my mother's care again at home. I stood up and said, absolutely NOT, it was time for him to be in a home. My mother depended on me to take care of everything for her and my father. I worked also.. I feel what your going through but only you, when you've had enough will step up and do what's in your best interests.
People; family or not are only going to take advantage of you if you allow it. So far, you've taken on the burdens or more likely had them dumped on you. You have to learn to say NO and be comfortable with saying it.