First of all, good for you for seeking mental health help next Tuesday. You are a good loving son to do what is best for your mom and make sure she is taken care of where she can be taken care of. Sometimes we assume being at home is best but it isn't always. A lot of people have opinions though and I had one good friend say her people would never put their mom in a facility and I simply remarked, well my MIL takes two people to move her, a wheelchair and medical bed, a nurse to give her insulin and medications for her delusions and narcotics for the end of life stuff, someone to feed her and bathe her - could you do all that at home? It isn't always black or white, this or that. My preference is for new posts when you have a new topic. I think if you have something to add to a previous post that fits into that post, then add it there. But if you have something new to write, make a new post because then its obvious that we have not read it. Some of us need obvious, LOL! Take care, be good to you.

I agree with a new post. You're helping a lot of people who are facing, going through, or have gone through this challenging experience.

Long after the experience, those feelings linger until we find a way to find healing in what decisions were made.

And, yes, hurrah for taking care of your emotions, feelings, thoughts, and health. You matter, and taking care of you first will make it easier to take care of your mom and keep both of you safe!

Dear Urbangardener:

Thanks again for caring enough to reply to my posts. And thanks for giving me some guidance on what should be a new post or part of an old one.

I feel for you related to the description of your MIL ... two people to move her, wheelchair, medical bed, nurse. Wow?!?!?!? You remind me that I have much to be thankful for. I wish you the very best with your situation. I assume it is still going on?

As for the friend who say they would never put their mom in a facility ... well, they aren't thinking clearly. As your example shows, sometimes there is no choice. And other times it is not what is best for the "system" of people involved. The psychologist said that in these cases you have to do what is best for all people concerned, not just the aging parent. You can decide for yourself about that, but I tend to agree.

Okay, this is becoming long. I really just wanted to say thank you. Your thoughts are always very helpful.

Mid:

Thank you so much. I appreciate your comments and your encouragement to take care of myself. I assume by that you mean seeing the psychologist. But please don't think me wiser than I am. I went through a tough divorce about seven years ago. This is the psychologist who helped me through that terrible experience. From time to time I go back to see him. So it was easy to set up related to my mom. However, I will take credit for realizing that this is a very tough time and admitting that I need help dealing with it. <= that might sound arrogant. If so, sorry. Didn't mean it that way.

Excellent for you to share that you recognize a tough time! and that you're willing to seek help!

Hurrah for sharing!

Thanks Mid. I appreciate all your support. It means more than you know.

I had a telephone call with my mom yesterday, a conference call between her and my two brothers. I could not believe how strong I was. There was very little tugging at my heart. Because of all the help I have gotten through Daily Strength I now believe that I have not turned my back on her., but rather am taking care of her in the very best way possible. I am very sorry that she has developed a pretty bad case of dementia. But I am not going to acquiesce to her wishes just because she is my mom. Because she is my mom, and because I love her dearly, I will do what I know is best for her whether she realizes it or not. I just keep repeating the words to myself, "I am taking care of her." That is something I have learned from you and the others who have responded to my posts. Thank you again. You have helped me immensely. Thank you.

Big hug for you Bentley..... I agree to start a new post.... We don't always see what's added to one that's been up for a while

It's great that you're getting help for yourself... I needed it as well during these times

You may want to see an MD as well in case you need a little medication.... Situational depression can be treated pretty effectively.... No it doesn't take away the core problem however it can help

We also have a good Depression and Anxiety board on here... Mid is the CL of the Anxiety board

It's great for people to say what they will or won't do when they aren't in that position... I literally stopped sleeping when my mom was so ill as she paced and fell most nights at home and fought and tried to get out of the home several days

It's sure not an easy thing.... It's wonderful that you're taking care of you

A lot of people don't remember just what's being said later so if your mom wants to talk about coming out of the home there's nothing wrong with letting her talk about it and maybe directing the conversation to happy times you've shared

My mom wanted to go home all of the time however she was talking about the home she was a child in.... She tried to get out of her own home as well

Big hug Bentley.... I think you are a wonderful son as well.....xo

Thank you so much SunCloud. Your support means a lot to me. I'm sorry it took me a while to get back to you. Please forgive me for that. I have been busy and ... well ... depressed. I will get in touch with Mid about the Depression and Anxiety group as you suggested. I certainly have experienced a lot of depression lately. My poor wife. She is a wonderful person and has supported me through all of this, but I know my depression takes a toll on her as well.

I saw my mother a couple of days ago. Because of the Coronavirus I can't go in to see her, But the facility she is in set up what they call a "drive by" visit. I and my two brothers stood outside. She was inside and we could see her through a big glass door. I was afraid she would be begging us to go home but she did not. At one point she said, "I don't want to be in here for the rest of my life." We just it go, gently redirected her, and she didn't say any more about it.

It is hard to hear her say that she wants out. Logically I know that this facility is easily the best place for her. But my emotions don't want to go along with my logic. I still find myself getting angry, usually at her. I am extremely reluctant to admit it, but my anger at her usually stems from me trying to make this her fault. What I am thinking is, "You didn't take care of yourself. You didn't eat right, and exercise, and keep yourself mentally stimulated. And now we have this." I really, really hate to admit what I just wrote. Let's see if I have the guts to hit send. All of those things may be true, but this is not her fault. Like many things in life, it is just something that happened and now we all have to deal with it as best we can.

Okay, I am just rambling now. I am trying to find a salient point but it is elusive. I will just stop here. I really just wanted to say thank you for your ongoing support and hugs. They really do help. Thank you.

What I used to say to my in-laws was "that is understandable" when they would complain. Because it is understandable that she might think whatever she thinks, even if she did not take good care of herself physically. And the truth is, genetics and good health are all a crap shoot. We can eat right, exercise, avoid things that damage the brain, and still wind up in bad shape at the end of life. There is no magic. My MIL drank heavily, smoked heavily, ate junk, was diabetic, never exercised, was obese and ended up dying a long slow death that I would never want to experience. It was difficult watching it and knowing her power of attorney didn't care, but MIL assigned her favorite to be POA. I would cry leaving their assisted living sometimes because their POA set up improper care for them and wouldn't listen to anyone else. FIL and MIL thought their POA hung the moon and were too demented to know their care was subpar. My husband, their son, felt like what you wrote so you are not alone in thinking this way. So yes, we just have to travel this road with them and do the best we can for them and accept a bunch of stuff we don't like. Sigh, you are doing well. Stay strong. Pace yourself and do good for yourself today. We can be real here together.

Urbangardener:

Thanks for your thoughts. I agree that my mother's dementia is no one's fault. Life happens and our situations are not always what we want them to be. Your story reminds me that I have one thing to be thankful for, I and my two brothers are very close. We listen to each other and respect each other and talk out issues when we disagree. The three of us have joint POA. Anyway, I am sorry for the situation you had, but your sharing it helped me remember to be thankful for the good I have in the midst of all this stress.

Thank you again for taking the time to answer me. I am always surprised at the relief, satisfaction, and good feelings I get from interacting with people here, just through posting and comments.

All the best to you Urbangardener. Thanks again.

Bentley