Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
It has been a stressful, stressful, and difficult time moving my mom to a care facility. As she began to go down hill (very quickly over the past 4-5 months), I spang into action and made sure all her affairs are in order: will, living will, power of attorney, etc. Once I obtained the power of attorney I had to drive around to the several banks where I knew she had money. To my shock and surprise, she had stored away much more money than I ever expected. There is enough there to pay for her care facility for the next 12 years. She is now 85. That would take her to the age of 97. I was so thankful that money was one issue we (me and my two brothers) would not have to worry about.
In a conversation with my younger brother yesterday I found out that he wants to take all the money (or some portion of it) and invest it in the stock market. He is adament about this. That scares me, a lot. This is my mom's money and will take care of her for the rest of her life. I barely slept last night. I eventually got up and took a prescription sleep aid. This difference of opion is adding a lot more stress to an already incredibly stressful situation. I feel like I am at a breaking point and this may push me over the edge.
I was raised to never talk about money, especially among friends. But I need help with this. It is eating away at me. I downgraded my little mood icon to the lowest level, the one with the tears. Someone please say something that will make me feel better.
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
There is nothing wrong with having mom's money invested to grow a little more. I am guessing we are talking big bucks if she has enough money to pay for care for 12 years as per what is common in the USA. But let's say that the cost of care goes up 10% each year. I googled this and got answers from about 5% on up. Let's say it is costing her $75,000 per year now (guessing). But next year, it costs $85,000 per year because of inflation and maybe her needs increase which increases the cost. And the next year, it costs $100,000. Let's say she lives 5 years, or 10 years, or 15 more years. See where I am going here? If you are in another country where the costs are much less, adjust what I am saying here to fit your situation.
My in-laws lived for many years in terrible health with (bad) dementia among other things. We kept thinking the end was near and it took about 5 years I'd guess. But her dementia started probably 15-20 years before her death, his started about 10 years before.
My in-laws had their money in investments with a little bit in bank accounts. With a true fiduciary financial planning company. How one goes about it is the key. It probably needs to be in what are called "conservative investments" here in the USA. Doesn't mean conservative as in politics, it means unlikely to go up or down much but will also not earn much money. Mutual funds with a long term good track record vs. buying individual stocks. I am going to suggest you find an excellent financial advisor who can take all this money and invest it in proper investments for her situation. Maybe talk to 2-3. While you may think your mom will outlive her money, she may not.
You can ask your friends who they use, you can ask your or her CPA, you can try a google search. I always have to talk to them first and see what kind of sales pitch they are giving or if they are truly impartial and a fiduciary. Talk to your brother about facts. Don't go on feelings or fear. Perhaps you all compromise to keep five years of cash (to pay her long term care) in the banks and the rest is invested conservatively by a financial planner. Perhaps you take your brother with you to the meetings with the potential financial planners. I think it is better for all involved to not use a friend or a relative to be one's financial planner. So in the best interests of all involved, not your brother, not you being the person who buys and sells stocks or mutual fund for your mother's money. Not your best friend or your brother's best friend, either.
Someone has to watch over and manage her money. If she has many bank accounts, this means something new to your chore list to check these accounts monthly. If you feel overwhelmed with doing the medical stuff for your mom, and visiting if it is allowed during this virus, perhaps your brother could be "in charge" of the investments through a mutually agreed upon financial planner. and which both of you are transparent and get copies of monthly reports or access to the investment online portal. In other words, both of you attend all meetings and planning sessions and decide together. He may say he wants to do it himself, this is a no. It is worth paying the fees to have a non-partisan fiduciary in charge. You don't mention if your brother is a scum bag, or lives beyond his means, or has a bad track record with money.
In the USA, you being the power of attorney probably means you hold all the cards. That means all decisions are yours. Big responsibility. If you think your brother is someone that is trustworthy, this is good. If his track record is not good, then it might be more helpful to you to get someone on your side to help manage the money. Whomever you hire to be the financial planner fiduciary will not allow any non-power of attorney inquiries so this may actually protect you. Meaning if your brother is a bully and you are likely to cave to his bullying, having the money in a good company adds a layer of protection to yourself and a way to keep his hands out of the cookie jar.
Be firm. Best wishes.
If he loses this money it could be considered a theft I would think??... I wouldn't do anything without legal advise...... Big hug and deep breaths....xo
Thank you for your thoughts and advice. Fortunately for me my brother seems to have changed his mind. My brothers and I have a very close relationship. I would hate for money to come between that. It looks like it will not, at least for the moment. So what was a big stressor for me seems to be gone for the moment. Thanks again.
Bentley
Some estates go into probate after a person passes so courts can then have a good look at what's going on and has gone on money wise.... So blaming it on the legal system could be out if it's ever needed
It's great that you and your siblings are close going through this difficult and painful time.... Big hug.....xo