Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
I haven't been in here in awhile, things had improved and life was going well.
A bit of history, my Dad had back surgery in 2013 and he lost the use of his legs, had very little trunk support and mucle spasms from the nerve damage to his spine. He is now 80 years old.
In the last six months, he has regained some control of his legs, is now able to walk with a lot of support from a walker and caregiver. He has gotten stronger in all areas, he was approved for thearpy once again, which has really helped. I am so happy for him and proud he is putting the effort in to continue to get stronger.
Now my daily struggle with him is, he lives in an assisted living facility, but wants to go home. His home is on a ranch, 90 miles from the closest hospital, 70 miles to the nearest grocery store and the doctors he would need to see would be 3 hours away. As for any kind of home health, there isn't any. He gets help dressing, showering and all his meals are prepared, he isn't able to do these on his own. I have offered to bring him home with me, with frequent trips back to his home. He refuses, he believes he can do everything on his own, with the help of neighbors. I remind him that the neighbors are not right there, as many are farmers and ranchers, their wives all work in town and I know how life goes, at first they would be willing help out, but they can't take care of him as they have families and jobs to attend to and to assume they would is naive on his part. I have agreed to take him home for a visit, to see what he can and can't do. The thearpist recommended it, wants to know how he does, what he needs to work on. But, yes there always is one, he has told his friends that if he gets down to the ranch, he isn't coming back. So the agreement we have, is only to make me feel good, he has no plan to hold up his side of the deal.
This is our daily battle, I understand he doesn't want to live with his kids, but he needs to understand he can't live on his own. I am the only one that has taken care of him, in the last 4 years my sisters have been to visit 6 times combined and my brother has not come to visit. But they all have a strong opinion on what I should and shouldn't be doing.
I just found out yesterday he has prostate cancer, so now there are more doctors to see, determind treatment if he is willing and a new set of battles to be had.
I just feel lost at what to do next. Do I take him for a visit? Do I let him move back home and pray nothing happens?
Ive tried talking to my sisters, but they have their own lives and don't have the time to listen. They tend to get on his side, but they don't see his struggles daily, they just have his word and I have found out he will say what needs to be said to get his way.
Any advice or just words of encouragment would be greatly apperciated.
Just not sure what to do........
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
First I am an only child, so I didn't have siblings to contend with.
However, my mom has 3 surviving sisters and one is a real "gem" to deal with (they all....including my mom, suffer from mental illness) and the "gem" who is much younger and the worst in mental illness out of all of the others and some of my moms previous neighbors/friends have given me grief and struggles to deal with.
However, my mom is incapable of taking care of herself and like your father....thinks she can take care of herself. She has bled me dry financially, emotionally, and physically and so I finally took the bull by the horns and placed her in a nursing home (she has outlived her money and blew through about 70 or 80 thousand of my money before I pulled the plug.
I just applied for medicaid and gave her some firm boundaries.
I only visit her twice a month and only call her before I go to see what she wants me to bring her for a meal (I bring us dinner when I visit).
I know it seems callused placing her in a facility, but I have spent 3 years trying to be patient and "letting her have as much independence as possible", but it totally backfired and it was a losing battle.....and I was getting the short end of the stick as well as verbally, mentally, and financially abused by her.
Actually, she and my dad have spent their whole lives abusing me and I was too blind to see. I was forgiving and always felt sorry for them.
I have been picking up the pieces for them for the past 57 years of my life......but no more.
I have bent over backwards to be the best daughter I could......always forgiving and going the extra mile. Nothing has been good enough and so I am taking my life back.
I have not turned my back on my mom. However, she is now playing by my rules in which she screamed, cried, and kicked once I laid down the law. It took about 7 months to get her to comply......however, it is now working well for both of us and she has come to the realization that without me, she would be in a pickle.
It is sad that it has turned out this way, but it is what it is and I had no other alternative. I was losing my health, sanity, and worst of all.......my money to survive on and she didn't care as long as she got her way!
I am not saying you have to put your dad in a home, but boundaries and taking control when you realize he just ain't gonna ever get it is the best for all involved. If your siblings don't like it, then don't just tell them to take over.....make them. Drop dad off at their house and a few dollars and tell them to deal with it (this is just me.......again.....take it or leave it since I don't know all the circumstances.....just what you have shared here and I'm sure there is more involved).
I don't know about you, but I am done with being a doormat for peeps.....especially if we share DNA. It does not give them a free pass to treat us however they want...IMO.
Oh well, I will get off my soap box. This just kinda hit a soar spot.....or too close to home for me.
Realize your dad may never get it. My mom has fallen several times and hitting her head hard on all occasions and I think she has sped up having dementia which impairs their cognitive thinking as well as ability to reason or be logical. It is also difficult for them to see their aging or accept their aging process. This may spin them into denial about their abilities to manage their life. It happens so subtly that it is difficult to catch it until a tragedy happens.
Best of luck and hopefully someone will have a better answer.
Just know you are not alone!
An idea: Have the therapist spend time with you and your dad in the early morning. Have your dad do the 'activities of daily living' with you and the therapist there to WATCH ONLY! He must be able to get out of bed, pick new clothing, get totally dressed (as if getting out of the shower, so you may need to look the other way a bit!), brush his teeth, wash his face and hands, make his bed, put his old clothing in a hamper.
Depending on how this goes, he should then fold some clean clothing and put it away. He should go to a kitchen area and make a meal, eat the meal, clean up the table, wash the dishes and cooking pans and put them away.
Not that you should let him fall down, but he should also be gently helped to the ground and then get up all by himself.
I think that if you go in with a test like this it will be a much better way to see if he can manage at home rather than take him for a visit that he will refuse to return from.
As for your sisters, without nagging or judging (and believe me I think you have a lot to be angry at them over) let them know what is happening. If they are inclined to ignore reality just let them know (again without judging or using sarcasm) that they will need to make visits to help him when he needs help as you are not always available to help your dad. Stress that he is dad to all of you.
Yes, limits are great. Sadly it is often necessary to give a huge reality check to our parents.
Gentle hugs, and let us know how it goes
Could you go there with him for maybe a week? and let him know that he'll have to take care of himself as though he were living alone
He may come to the realization that he's not able to live alone
Could he manage to pay a live in caregiver?
Unless he's not within sound mind he has every right to make his own choices as much as others may not agree with those choices
This is a legal right so you can encourage him for sure however in the end he can do what he chooses to so try not to let it eat you up
Sometimes people can get their parent to listen to them however if he says he's leaving the facility that's his right to do so unless he's deemed a threat to himself or to others
If he does go home I would try to really push/encourage him to get a lifeline and wear it all of the time
I know that this is a really hard time..... I feel for you.... Gentle hug.......xo
My heart would love to let him go home, to the only home he really has known for 80 years. I know legally he can make decide to go home and I can't stop him, but if something does happen to him I could be held responsible. There are strict Elderly laws in place and I really don't want to get the state involved in anything.
My mindset is still bringing him home with me, having someone come in a few times a week to help him shower and still continue with therapy. Work towards a goal of letting him live alone at home. I just don't want to put the cart before the horse and everything he has worked so hard for is gone.
I did take him to visit twice. First time we spent 4 days at the ranch. He could not take care of himself. Seemed he always needed help. He ended up dehydrated and in the hospital. Second visit was worse. He ended up falling and at some point had a small stroke. That visit was cut short, he was hospitalized 3 days.
Now he thinks he can just find anyone to “stay” with him and all will be fine.
I just keep praying for the strength to get through times like this.