Breathe. Pause. Step back. 10 more days is not a long time. It feels long because this is such a huge change, especially if you are the caregiver and you are not able to see the adjustment as she finds her way to a new balance.

Writing out your feelings here and in a private journal will help you sort through all the different stages of grief and loss. This is a loss and needs to be grieved so you can be positive and share the better things with this change.

Yes, she is in a room and she is staying there for the full 14 days. They come in and check on her, and she has this same time to go through all her feelings of the change as well.

This decision was hard, and now it's happening.

Best wishes as you find your way to a better balance. Grieve and know you have our support.

Dear Mid:

Thank you so much for your caring and thoughtful reply. Breathe, pause, step back. Thank you. All great thoughts and I was not thinking them. You also reminded me of something I had forgotten: this is grieving process. I am grieving the loss of her freedom, the loss of my image of her as independent and happy. I need to have faith that the new images can be good (better) also: not independent and happy, but cared for and happy. She gives up a little freedom for much greater safety and security and peace of mind for her children. Pause, breathe, step back. Allow myself to believe in the better outcomes that are available on the other side of this transition. Thank you so much for your time and your insights. They are greatly appreciated.

All too often, we forget to take care of us in the midst of caring for our parents.

So glad this helped.

Here's to grieving the loss as you welcome the "new".

Thank you my friend. You have helped me a lot. I'll be looking forward to the new. All the best to you.

Huge hug for you Bentley..... My mom had Alzheimer's and it was the most painful thing that I have ever gone through

I agree with Mid that a lot of what you're feeling is grief and if you need to cry that's okay..... a good cry can be cathartic...… Another hug.....xo

Dear SunCloud:

Thanks so much for your comments and hugs. It is good to hear that other people also think this feels horrible. So I am not crazy, this really is an incredibly difficult thing? I avoid calling her because she begs me to come get her and take her home. Minimizing my phone calls to her feels awful. But so does being asked to rescue her when I cannot. Ultimately I believe she will be happier where she is.

Okay, just rambling now. What I really meant to say is thank you so much for your caring and concern and hugs. That helps a lot. Thank you.

Bentley

When you call, and she asks you to come get her, think of happy moments you can share on the phone (you'll have to write them down and have them next to the phone so you don't have to think off the top of your head).

Distract her question of come get me and help her adjust through hearing your voice and knowing that she's going through the same adjustment you are.

You're doing a wonderful job!

Mid:

That is a great idea. I will do that. Thank you very much.

I agree to try and distract her in different ways

Dementia is sooooo hard Bentley..... I moved in with my folks to care for them....

My career was nursing however it was much different when it's with those who you love

Short term memory goes with dementia quite often so my mom would want to leave the home thinking she had to leave to 'go home' and she remembered the home she was brought up in

So I had to constantly worry about her taking off.... Then I had dead bolt locks put on the doors so she couldn't leave and she would freak out that I was keeping her prisoner

She became combative and wouldn't eat... Wouldn't want to be washed.... She would forget that her parents and my dad had died and when she remembered she would start the grieving process over and over again... It was heart wrenching

There was no good or right way....It was simply painful

You've placed your mom in a place where you know she'll be cared for and where she'll be as safe as possible and I know it hurts terribly

Sometimes I think the best thing is one day, one hour or one moment at a time

You know that you're doing the best thing that you can do for her...….The kindest thing...

Big hug.... DS is a good site... I'm glad that you're here..... xo

Dear SunCloud:

You comments continue to be comforting and shockingly accurate. My mom too wants to return home, meaning her childhood home. From time to time she thinks her parents are still alive. She has definitely become combative. She doesn't eat and hates to take a shower. So many things in common with your parents. God bless you for taking care of them yourself.

Thank you for making it okay that I am feeling great pain and for keeping my expectations realistic in that there will be much more. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. They do help me to have proper expectations and do reduce my pain a little.

I agree. DS is a great place to be. I am thankful or it, and for you. Thank you again.

It’s hard but sometimes people need more care than we can give. My in-laws became totally dependent for their ADLs and even moving their bodies. To watch highly educated people become unable to do anything for themselves was shocking and sad. The memory care is also a recognition of how bad things are, instead of being able to pretend in our minds. My husband had to make peace with how he would never be their favorite child. When your mom asks to go home, use a technique in a book called Loving Hard to Love Parents - not that this describes your mom. But it’s okay to spin a story, like saying I understand or right, or sure thing, over and over without trying to say this is home. Keep it simple and don’t argue or try to get her to be logical. Or saying the house is being painted so right now we are in this place cause the food is so good. Or saying our tickets are for tomorrow, mom. It sometimes takes several months and then where they are is where they think they should be. Their new normal and yours. It’s also a bit scary to worry about the care to be given at any new facility. We found many of the workers were not trained in dementia and argued with the in-laws and could not redirect. That was stressful. Be good to yourself and kind. It’s a transition for you also.

Dear Urban Gardener:

I am sorry it has taken me so long to acknowledge your message. I've had work pressures and lots of time getting my mom started in her memory care facility. I bought the book you recommended. I also really like the redirection examples you gave in your message. Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful response.

Bentley

It's been a week or more since I posted, mainly because things were going well with my mom and I was feeling okay. But yesterday we took a slight (I hope) downturn. When my mom entered the memory care facility she was under a 14-day quarantine because of Covid. So for 14 days she had to stay in her room. She had her small room and her bathroom, no where else to go. And I am not allowed to visit. I feel a little helpless. I am sooooo hoping that she will like this place. I feel like that will take a good deal of pressure off of me.

Unfortunately, yesterday (her first day out of quarantine) she had an incident of vomiting and ended up spending most of the day in her room anyway. The nurse at the facility told me that if they could not figure out what was going on with her, then she might have to go to an outside doctor (they have their own doctor who works in the facility). If she leaves the facility for any reason it triggers another 14-day quarantine. I really don't want that.

This is all too complicated to put in a post. Suffice it to say that my hopes for yesterday were somewhat dashed on the rocks. Now I am on pins and needles for what is going to happen. I am still very much a newbie at this caring for an aging parent thing. Any comforting thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.