Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Before I explain what my mother did, I'll give a bit of background. Our youngest daughter has 3 children, ages, 10, 9 and 5. Two years ago our son in law passed away at a hospital. It's been hard for her and her children at times but overall they're doing pretty well.
Over the last week our daughter became ill; she's gone through multiple testing at a hospital in NH but to no avail at finding the cause of her pain. By last Friday morning my husband and I told her to go to a hospital in MA. She did; arrived there at 1:00pm. At 4:00pm my daughter called me to ask if we could pick up the kids at daycare; happily my husband left work to pick them up and take them to our house. I arrived home at 6:00 with still no results of anything from our daughter and by now she's in agony. When I walked in my mother was standing in the kitchen all dressed up with pocketbook ready; (We were supposed to go out to dinner that night). I said, I don't think we're going to be able to go out to dinner; we may have the kids here overnight. She threw her pocketbook across the counter and said, "Oh great, another night ruined because you have to babysit". I responded with, "Firstly she's in a hospital in severe pain and do not either of you mention the fact that she's in a hospital right now to the kids" Course they both nodded their heads in agreement.
I said, we'll just order out, I don't feel like cooking; shortly after that the kids came running in to see me so we're all in the kitchen at this point. My mother disappeared for a few minutes and came back in with her pajamas and robe on. The kids said, Nana, why did you change your clothes already. Her response: "Well we were going out to dinner but we can't now because we have to take care of you since your mother is in the hospital and they can't figure out what's wrong with her"!!!!! (all this in a not very nice tone). The 10 and 9 years olds started crying right away. I couldn't even speak to my mother at this point I was so furious and now I've got little ones that are going to over-react. My mother left the room and went down to her bedroom and shut her door. My husband and I calmed them down and then I went down to her room. She was on the phone with my sister. I said, let's talk; "No, I'm on the phone with E....", I said, then I'll talk; "Don't you ever do something like that to my grandchildren again; you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself, your behavior was absolutely despicable!. If you can't say anything hopeful or encouraging to them, DON'T speak to them period!!!! I walked out.
I've not been able to speak to her since. I don't have anything to say to her. None of us are speaking in the house. She spent Easter dinner giving the same kids dirty looks during the entire meal.
I want nothing to do with this woman right now and I don't know what to do with her. I've never witnessed anything so selfish and down right cruel. It's not that she suffers from Alzeimers or any other debilitating disease that I can blame this on; just plain selfishness.
I don't think I can ever forgive her. This has been a constant temper tantrum whenever she isn't getting her own way; It's okay to go days without speaking to my husband and I, we're used to it by now.
I need some help I think, I can't get past this and right now, I don't want her living with me anymore. There does come a time when you have to throw in the towel..
Over the last week our daughter became ill; she's gone through multiple testing at a hospital in NH but to no avail at finding the cause of her pain. By last Friday morning my husband and I told her to go to a hospital in MA. She did; arrived there at 1:00pm. At 4:00pm my daughter called me to ask if we could pick up the kids at daycare; happily my husband left work to pick them up and take them to our house. I arrived home at 6:00 with still no results of anything from our daughter and by now she's in agony. When I walked in my mother was standing in the kitchen all dressed up with pocketbook ready; (We were supposed to go out to dinner that night). I said, I don't think we're going to be able to go out to dinner; we may have the kids here overnight. She threw her pocketbook across the counter and said, "Oh great, another night ruined because you have to babysit". I responded with, "Firstly she's in a hospital in severe pain and do not either of you mention the fact that she's in a hospital right now to the kids" Course they both nodded their heads in agreement.
I said, we'll just order out, I don't feel like cooking; shortly after that the kids came running in to see me so we're all in the kitchen at this point. My mother disappeared for a few minutes and came back in with her pajamas and robe on. The kids said, Nana, why did you change your clothes already. Her response: "Well we were going out to dinner but we can't now because we have to take care of you since your mother is in the hospital and they can't figure out what's wrong with her"!!!!! (all this in a not very nice tone). The 10 and 9 years olds started crying right away. I couldn't even speak to my mother at this point I was so furious and now I've got little ones that are going to over-react. My mother left the room and went down to her bedroom and shut her door. My husband and I calmed them down and then I went down to her room. She was on the phone with my sister. I said, let's talk; "No, I'm on the phone with E....", I said, then I'll talk; "Don't you ever do something like that to my grandchildren again; you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself, your behavior was absolutely despicable!. If you can't say anything hopeful or encouraging to them, DON'T speak to them period!!!! I walked out.
I've not been able to speak to her since. I don't have anything to say to her. None of us are speaking in the house. She spent Easter dinner giving the same kids dirty looks during the entire meal.
I want nothing to do with this woman right now and I don't know what to do with her. I've never witnessed anything so selfish and down right cruel. It's not that she suffers from Alzeimers or any other debilitating disease that I can blame this on; just plain selfishness.
I don't think I can ever forgive her. This has been a constant temper tantrum whenever she isn't getting her own way; It's okay to go days without speaking to my husband and I, we're used to it by now.
I need some help I think, I can't get past this and right now, I don't want her living with me anymore. There does come a time when you have to throw in the towel..
So much anger in such an old woman. Perhaps you need some really good "come backs" for her. Like "Love means folding his inside out socks." Or "Love means him taking me to dinner without the game on a big screen TV!"
Sigh, just when I thought she could not get weirder in what bothers her!
Best of luck to ya:):):)
This reminds me of a time when I couldn't be more than 5 (and still remember it) and my parents went out. I was dancing in the kitchen and my grandmother came to me in a rage and told me it was my fault my mother was ill. Then she went to her bedroom and sobbed and sobbed. I started to cry and apologised and she'd not even look at me.
As it turns out (I learned more or less recently) what happened was a kidney stone (like your daughter). After standing up to my mother against my grandmother my mother is now the same - exact same.
Sulks in the bedroom, wails, used to make me apologise for things I didn't do (and I did it) and the list is endless. In the end I had to ask her to move out. She refused at first. Now she comes and goes (stays for a month or so and then goes back to her home).
When she comes back I slip right back into depression.
Put your husband, daughter and grandchildren first. Trust me. It doesn't matter how much you do for her it'll NEVER be enough. Don't fool yourself. They already decided that they're right, we're wrong. Period. Save yourself.
Just a point: my mother has apologised once - on her knees - to something she did to me. I believed it was genuine. She hurt me so much verbally I was in foetus position for two days straight. It was when she went to tell someone she knows how horrible I was and the person told her she was in the wrong that she apologised.
Don't be fooled. It doesn't last. Even IF it's genuine to begin with don't put your hopes high. By all means give her another chance if she starts changing but... stand your ground.
Your poor husband. Mine turned to drink and we nearly got divorced. It's really not worth it.
I'm positive my mother's talkative mood will not last. She'll be nice for a few days and then the snide comments start; then it progresses to backhanded compliments; then to nasty derogatory remarks and insults; then to silence and the evil eye towards us. It's a constant repeated cycle.
As adults it's hard enough for us to endure that type of treatment. I absolutely will not accept that behavior when it comes to my grandchildren. My daughter is usually visiting us with the kids often but we hadn't heard from her so I called her this morning; she told me that the kids didn't want to come over because Nana M was mean so my husband and I are going over to my daughter's home this weekend to spend some time.
I'm sorry to say this but my mother doesn't mean more to me than my grandchildren. It's a terrible thing to say but that's how I feel.
Mine was a raging narcsicisst too. She'd yell at me for things that never happened, I was constantly appologizing for things she made up, and she accused me of treating my hubby wrong too constantly.
There is no way to ever be OK with these selfish narcissists. No matter what we do we are wrong. There is no way to ever win any argument or discussion.
Not that you are TRYING TO WIN. BUt there is nothing that you can do right with these types. They believe they are right in everything they do and that is abusive.
Hugs & prayers
We REMEMBER because God wants us to learn from experience and recognize next time BEFORE to stay safe.
Too many confuse these two
So you can stop it next time.