Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
Last night when we finally got upstairs to our own space, I just fell into a complete hysterical crying jag (poor DH) about how horrible all this is for my mom. Incontinence, pain, pain, pain, heart failure and the slow death that means (like breathing through a straw, the nurse said!), loss of independence, mobility, etc., etc. I was screaming at "god" or whatever being out there has any control over such as this, asking WHY? HOW? could a "loving" god allow people to suffer this way. Why not just let her go on to her reward in the afterlife - which I do believe in, albeit not "heaven" as such but a continuation of consciousness. How can people believe in such a being? And even more "worship" such an evil, cruel jokester? If he/she/they? are out there, they have a very perverse way of caring for us, their creation. DH has a very evolved spiritual perspective (not religious) and sees all this through that lens. For me, it's all just a cruel mystery.
I'm sure part of my hysterics stem from the several gin and tonics I had had... and have pretty much every night, sometimes less but always some. I know I depend on the alcohol to help me relax after every stressful day but I also worry that it can make me forget some part of Mother's evening routine. I have forgotten her laxative once or twice and even her blood pressure med one night. But I think, for the most part and given the HUGE number of things I am responsible for, that I am doing pretty well. We have given up alcohol for a week or so at a time since coming here but boy, do I miss it.
I think I'm going to create a checklist for myself.
I'm sure part of my hysterics stem from the several gin and tonics I had had... and have pretty much every night, sometimes less but always some. I know I depend on the alcohol to help me relax after every stressful day but I also worry that it can make me forget some part of Mother's evening routine. I have forgotten her laxative once or twice and even her blood pressure med one night. But I think, for the most part and given the HUGE number of things I am responsible for, that I am doing pretty well. We have given up alcohol for a week or so at a time since coming here but boy, do I miss it.
I think I'm going to create a checklist for myself.
I can tell you though that using alcohol to escape is not the route you want to go. Firstly, it only exacerbates the feelings of despair which is what I'm guessing has something to do with your post. It's not only bad on your health and emotional well being; you won't be of any help to your mother should something unforseen happen to her while you're intoxicated.
I know this is a tough time, trust me, I know but the route your going Penny, is not the route you want to take.
I think you're doing very well and most times you post, you've got everything together. I think your having an off day.
I call them To Do Lists but it's an effective way of keeping yourself on track with tasks.
Best to you
PD
I just don't want to use it as a tool to forget. All it's going to do for you is give you a whole new set of issues to take care of.
So with that warning, I'll get off my self appointed pulpit.
I hope you have a great weekend! and try to cheer up a bit... Stay strong!
I'm not really concerned about the alcohol. I'm never "intoxicated" (well, maybe last night!) plus hospice is our go-to answer for a problem w/Mom. We are not supposed to call 911, just the hospice group. So she's in good hands at all times. It's not so much about escape as it is relaxation and something for ME. I admire you, cinben, for your abstinence and I like to abstain now and then - just to lose weight! ;-) But DH and I keep an eye on each other - and Mother... so for now, we're fine. Just trying to take each day as it comes. Thanks, guys.
Red Skelton once said,"I picked the WROOOONG week to quit drinking!
I know it is upsetting for you to see your mom go down so fast but I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. Having it drag on for what could be the rest of my good years is a much greater curse. Count your blessings!
Just kidding of course!
I figure as long as we don't drive it's ok.
;-)
How is your mom holding up? Has she accepted her medical condition or is she still fighting it? That can make a huge difference in the care taking job. Again hospice can help mom in acceptance if necessary.
I worry about the drinking. Have to be honest. I watched my parents as functioning alcoholics and it did a lot of damage to their lives then and later. Drinking should be for pleasure not for dealing with pain. I know you wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you, your mom or anyone else. Caretakers have to take care of themselves first. That means eating right, getting enough sleep and having some down time. You can't help mom if you are hurting yourself.
You know, I'm really fine most of the time. I feel that I am on the right path being here for my mom. There is no one else and if we weren't here, she would certainly be in a nursing home. I have promised her all my life that I would do everything I could to keep her in her home.
I think my confessing the over-indulgence the other night and my (our) attention to our drinking is a good sign that it's not a problem. Like many pleasurable things in life, you can get too much of a good thing. But pleasurable things also make the less pleasurable ones more tolerable.
So perhaps I should also mention the joyful, lovely walk I had this morning with my beloved dog along the Concho River. Don't worry. With the great love I have with my DH and the satisfaction I feel in helping my mom, despite how hard it is, I am OK.
I pray your struggle will end in the knowledge that god loves you our suffering here in this world gives us sanctification of our souls to the life to come all souls live on! nothing can enter heaven until the soul has been cleansed and purified in holiness!
My prayers are with you god give you strength to endure through love
It has been a very difficult first 2 weeks for you. As her pain is only likely to increase, please work with the hospice staff to find a way to manage how you act and react.
Since I have not experienced such a difficult thing I fear even trying to offer suggestions.
Gentle hugs
@Shur... Hey, don't worry about me! I was raised Baptist and baptized...so "once saved, always saved!" Holy, holy, holy.... Believe as you want, but to me a god that can put "his" (or "her") children thru such torment is not a deity I can relate to. Suffering here as "sanctification" for our souls in the hereafter?? Are you kidding me? What nonsense. But hey... to each his or her own.