Last night when we finally got upstairs to our own space, I just fell into a complete hysterical crying jag (poor DH) about how horrible all this is for my mom. Incontinence, pain, pain, pain, heart failure and the slow death that means (like breathing through a straw, the nurse said!), loss of independence, mobility, etc., etc. I was screaming at "god" or whatever being out there has any control over such as this, asking WHY? HOW? could a "loving" god allow people to suffer this way. Why not just let her go on to her reward in the afterlife - which I do believe in, albeit not "heaven" as such but a continuation of consciousness. How can people believe in such a being? And even more "worship" such an evil, cruel jokester? If he/she/they? are out there, they have a very perverse way of caring for us, their creation. DH has a very evolved spiritual perspective (not religious) and sees all this through that lens. For me, it's all just a cruel mystery.
I'm sure part of my hysterics stem from the several gin and tonics I had had... and have pretty much every night, sometimes less but always some. I know I depend on the alcohol to help me relax after every stressful day but I also worry that it can make me forget some part of Mother's evening routine. I have forgotten her laxative once or twice and even her blood pressure med one night. But I think, for the most part and given the HUGE number of things I am responsible for, that I am doing pretty well. We have given up alcohol for a week or so at a time since coming here but boy, do I miss it.
I think I'm going to create a checklist for myself.