Caring For Aging Parents Support Group
Caring for aging parents can be a difficul time as we become the caretakers for our parents. This broad responsibility can encompass such services as assisted living, adult day care, long term care, nursing homes, hospice care, and in-home care. Whether you have just started caring for your parents or just need a place to talk, we're here.
My mother several months back moved in with my husband and I. She's 84 years old and is in great physical and mental condition. At first everything was great as we've always had fun together. Slowly but surely though over these last months she's become more and more demanding of my time. She doesn't like for my husband and I to have company over, she doesn't like our grandchildren to come over, (they're too noisy) and she certainly doesn't like us going out anywhere without her. If things don't go her way, she pouts, retreats to her room and won't talk to us for days at a time. It makes for a very uncomfortable living arrangement.
If I'm doing general housekeeping, she's behind me pacing the floor until I go and sit with her. When I come in from work, she's waiting for me at the kitchen table and if I attempt to do anything that takes me away from sitting with her, she's pouting and back in her room.
She's also become very demanding and picky of what I'm cooking and how I'm preparing it. Something that she's never, ever done before. Now, it's everything that I cook, she's standing behind me to complain about it.
I don't know what's going on with her but if I attempt to stretch out my arms at any point in time in the house when I'm home, I'd bang into her! My husband and I must look like a deer in the headlights half the time, we're always in the doghouse for some reason or another. You never know when it's coming.
I have no idea what to do with her. Solmetimes I've come very close to exploding on her but I don't want it to get to that point. And, I certainly don't like the feelings of resentment I have toward her right now but I'm feeling so suffocated!
What do you do with an 84 year old with temper tantrums??????
If I'm doing general housekeeping, she's behind me pacing the floor until I go and sit with her. When I come in from work, she's waiting for me at the kitchen table and if I attempt to do anything that takes me away from sitting with her, she's pouting and back in her room.
She's also become very demanding and picky of what I'm cooking and how I'm preparing it. Something that she's never, ever done before. Now, it's everything that I cook, she's standing behind me to complain about it.
I don't know what's going on with her but if I attempt to stretch out my arms at any point in time in the house when I'm home, I'd bang into her! My husband and I must look like a deer in the headlights half the time, we're always in the doghouse for some reason or another. You never know when it's coming.
I have no idea what to do with her. Solmetimes I've come very close to exploding on her but I don't want it to get to that point. And, I certainly don't like the feelings of resentment I have toward her right now but I'm feeling so suffocated!
What do you do with an 84 year old with temper tantrums??????
I don't know what the current advice is on temper tantrums but the old school advice was to ignore them. Let her pout and retreat to her room. It gives you some space.
The agency on aging could give you some advice too.
As for senior centers; No, she won't get involved in participation nor volunteering. She doesn't like being around people. She has her own car and drives very well. She could get involved in social activities but she won't. She shops with a college friend of hers every Tuesday but that's it! Other than that, it's just me and my attention that she wants! I have a brother and sister that fly out once a year to visit her/us. However, every year they come out they "always" make plans to go away for a few days with friends they have out this way. My B&S always tell me before they fly out that they don't want to spend their vacation just sitting at the table with her or just go out shopping with her every day. My opinion on that is, "if it's okay for me to take care of her and give her all my attention the other 358 days a year, they could certainly sacrifice 7 days out of the year and give her their entire attention. And, whenever I have brought that up to my mother's attention; she'll inevitably defend them and state that they have their own lives and their adults so they should be able to do what they want when they visit. Tell me I don't have a right to be livid over that???? Just yesterday I cooked a meal in the morning and had everything in the refrigerator for her. I told her that my husband and I were going to Home Depot and then we were going to visit with my father in law. We left at 11:00am and were back home at 2:00. My mother was absolutely beside herself that it took us that long to do an errand and visit with my father in law. She was hungry and waiting for us to get home so she could eat. I said, what did you need to wait for us for? The meal is in the refrigerator, why didn't you just make yourself a plate. She stated,,, I always wait for you two to eat. We should be eating at the same time and together.
When she gave me that attitude and that nasty opinion, I told her I have just about had it with her and her antics! She took off to her room real fast and started crying. Don't give me that crying bologne, (it's nothing more than more manipulation)!
I'm so sick of it all. Absolutely NO reason for any of this except complete selfishness!
Is there any way to make a kitchenette in her apartment so she is completely self-sufficient? Maybe then a good solid door would mark the boundaries. She won't be happy but tough. And if she starts the guilt trip remind her of what she says about the others when they come on vacation.
She reminds me of my MIL. Her whole life she had one friend. When the friend died in her early 60s she latched onto my SIL. Those poor kids had two moms. My MIL always wanted to be part of what her kids were doing with their families. She went so far as to buy a minivan when my SIL had her third child so that she could still go places with them since the car was now too small.
I don't think your mom will be happy no matter what. But you might as well be as happy as you can. Have you considered seeing a therapist who might be able to help you through establishing a healthy relationship? It might be good for you to have someone who can help you make a plan and stick to it.
Is there any way to make a kitchenette in her apartment so she is completely self-sufficient? Maybe then a good solid door would mark the boundaries. She won't be happy but tough. And if she starts the guilt trip remind her of what she says about the others when they come on vacation.
She reminds me of my MIL. Her whole life she had one friend. When the friend died in her early 60s she latched onto my SIL. Those poor kids had two moms. My MIL always wanted to be part of what her kids were doing with their families. She went so far as to buy a minivan when my SIL had her third child so that she could still go places with them since the car was now too small.
I don't think your mom will be happy no matter what. But you might as well be as happy as you can. Have you considered seeing a therapist who might be able to help you through establishing a healthy relationship? It might be good for you to have someone who can help you make a plan and stick to it.
Is there any way to make a kitchenette in her apartment so she is completely self-sufficient? Maybe then a good solid door would mark the boundaries. She won't be happy but tough. And if she starts the guilt trip remind her of what she says about the others when they come on vacation.
She reminds me of my MIL. Her whole life she had one friend. When the friend died in her early 60s she latched onto my SIL. Those poor kids had two moms. My MIL always wanted to be part of what her kids were doing with their families. She went so far as to buy a minivan when my SIL had her third child so that she could still go places with them since the car was now too small.
I don't think your mom will be happy no matter what. But you might as well be as happy as you can. Have you considered seeing a therapist who might be able to help you through establishing a healthy relationship? It might be good for you to have someone who can help you make a plan and stick to it.
Is there any way to make a kitchenette in her apartment so she is completely self-sufficient? Maybe then a good solid door would mark the boundaries. She won't be happy but tough. And if she starts the guilt trip remind her of what she says about the others when they come on vacation.
She reminds me of my MIL. Her whole life she had one friend. When the friend died in her early 60s she latched onto my SIL. Those poor kids had two moms. My MIL always wanted to be part of what her kids were doing with their families. She went so far as to buy a minivan when my SIL had her third child so that she could still go places with them since the car was now too small.
I don't think your mom will be happy no matter what. But you might as well be as happy as you can. Have you considered seeing a therapist who might be able to help you through establishing a healthy relationship? It might be good for you to have someone who can help you make a plan and stick to it.
Is there any way to make a kitchenette in her apartment so she is completely self-sufficient? Maybe then a good solid door would mark the boundaries. She won't be happy but tough. And if she starts the guilt trip remind her of what she says about the others when they come on vacation.
She reminds me of my MIL. Her whole life she had one friend. When the friend died in her early 60s she latched onto my SIL. Those poor kids had two moms. My MIL always wanted to be part of what her kids were doing with their families. She went so far as to buy a minivan when my SIL had her third child so that she could still go places with them since the car was now too small.
I don't think your mom will be happy no matter what. But you might as well be as happy as you can. Have you considered seeing a therapist who might be able to help you through establishing a healthy relationship? It might be good for you to have someone who can help you make a plan and stick to it.
Is there any way to make a kitchenette in her apartment so she is completely self-sufficient? Maybe then a good solid door would mark the boundaries. She won't be happy but tough. And if she starts the guilt trip remind her of what she says about the others when they come on vacation.
She reminds me of my MIL. Her whole life she had one friend. When the friend died in her early 60s she latched onto my SIL. Those poor kids had two moms. My MIL always wanted to be part of what her kids were doing with their families. She went so far as to buy a minivan when my SIL had her third child so that she could still go places with them since the car was now too small.
I don't think your mom will be happy no matter what. But you might as well be as happy as you can. Have you considered seeing a therapist who might be able to help you through establishing a healthy relationship? It might be good for you to have someone who can help you make a plan and stick to it.
Is there any way to make a kitchenette in her apartment so she is completely self-sufficient? Maybe then a good solid door would mark the boundaries. She won't be happy but tough. And if she starts the guilt trip remind her of what she says about the others when they come on vacation.
She reminds me of my MIL. Her whole life she had one friend. When the friend died in her early 60s she latched onto my SIL. Those poor kids had two moms. My MIL always wanted to be part of what her kids were doing with their families. She went so far as to buy a minivan when my SIL had her third child so that she could still go places with them since the car was now too small.
I don't think your mom will be happy no matter what. But you might as well be as happy as you can. Have you considered seeing a therapist who might be able to help you through establishing a healthy relationship? It might be good for you to have someone who can help you make a plan and stick to it.
Is there any way to make a kitchenette in her apartment so she is completely self-sufficient? Maybe then a good solid door would mark the boundaries. She won't be happy but tough. And if she starts the guilt trip remind her of what she says about the others when they come on vacation.
She reminds me of my MIL. Her whole life she had one friend. When the friend died in her early 60s she latched onto my SIL. Those poor kids had two moms. My MIL always wanted to be part of what her kids were doing with their families. She went so far as to buy a minivan when my SIL had her third child so that she could still go places with them since the car was now too small.
I don't think your mom will be happy no matter what. But you might as well be as happy as you can. Have you considered seeing a therapist who might be able to help you through establishing a healthy relationship? It might be good for you to have someone who can help you make a plan and stick to it.
Is there any way to make a kitchenette in her apartment so she is completely self-sufficient? Maybe then a good solid door would mark the boundaries. She won't be happy but tough. And if she starts the guilt trip remind her of what she says about the others when they come on vacation.
She reminds me of my MIL. Her whole life she had one friend. When the friend died in her early 60s she latched onto my SIL. Those poor kids had two moms. My MIL always wanted to be part of what her kids were doing with their families. She went so far as to buy a minivan when my SIL had her third child so that she could still go places with them since the car was now too small.
I don't think your mom will be happy no matter what. But you might as well be as happy as you can. Have you considered seeing a therapist who might be able to help you through establishing a healthy relationship? It might be good for you to have someone who can help you make a plan and stick to it.
Is there any way to make a kitchenette in her apartment so she is completely self-sufficient? Maybe then a good solid door would mark the boundaries. She won't be happy but tough. And if she starts the guilt trip remind her of what she says about the others when they come on vacation.
She reminds me of my MIL. Her whole life she had one friend. When the friend died in her early 60s she latched onto my SIL. Those poor kids had two moms. My MIL always wanted to be part of what her kids were doing with their families. She went so far as to buy a minivan when my SIL had her third child so that she could still go places with them since the car was now too small.
I don't think your mom will be happy no matter what. But you might as well be as happy as you can. Have you considered seeing a therapist who might be able to help you through establishing a healthy relationship? It might be good for you to have someone who can help you make a plan and stick to it.
We're not able to add a kitchenette for her as our home is not zoned for it. We had already looked into that. Since her bedrooms are essentially located in one section of the house, we added a door to the entrance of the hallway to the bedrooms so that our grandchildren and company would not bother her with noise should she want to be alone. So she's set there. I'm telling you; I've covered bases with her. I've given her space, I've let her take over my kitchen to make her feel like it's hers too. I've given, given, given and well, I've created a monster! But, somehow I think she was like this before, I just never saw it.
I never thought in a million years that having my mother live with me would make me so unhappy. It's a constant, get me, give me, buy me, drive me with her!
I thought of seeing someone for support. It would be a vicious cycle, meet the counselor on Monday, feel better and then spend more money the following Monday because I'm mental all over again....
Anyway, thanks for the support, it's good to know there are others out there going through similar problems.
Sounds like you may have to start looking at other living options for your mother, for your own peace of mind. If the guilt doesn't get in the way, like it does with me.
Time to man up I guess and take most of it in stride.
I woke up in a great mood this morning. 6:15am, my mother got up, sat at the table and said: "What are you making for dinner tonight?" I said, well, it's only 6:15 in the morning, let me think about it and I'll call you later. She stood up, took her coffee and went in her room.
And that just about sums up what goes on (every morning) if I don't have an immediate and quick answer!. LOL