Put her in time out! Just kidding. This isnt easy to caregive to our own parents. Mine is 77 and is in the last stages of Alzheimers. Thank Goodness shes at the greatful point at this time. Its been a year and 2 months. The first few months< I was in tears a lot. But things seem to be getting better at this time. Good luck.

Dad up and sold everything and moved in with a sibling. When that did not work out after a year, he showed up on my door step. That was three years ago.

He thought he would cook the way mom did making elborate dinners with several veggies and fried foods.
While it was lovely to eat, I spent two hours every night cleaning up the kitchen from these messes after working all day long.

I kept quiet until I spent a three day weekend cleaning the kitchen, stove, and floor to have it sparkle.
I put dinner in the oven on the timer and expected to come home to an easy night. Dad went out and just had to buy something to fry and make salad and..... and ..... and.
Anyway, it looked like a tornado hit the kitchen.
I sat down and wrote a nice email explaining how that felt for me.
I wrote it so I could have others read and take out anything that was just hostile without educating him. And I could re-read to refreash my own mind that I didi my best to say it as nicely as possible.

He got really angry. Yelled at me that I just did not apprciate all he was trying to do "to fit in". He did not talk to me for a couple days.'

I did not let it upset me because I could go back and read exactly what I wrote to reasure myself that I said everything in love.

When he finally calmed himself and spoke to me politely, I explained that I am not willing to come home to a total wreck of a kitchen and have to spend two hours cleaning every night. We don't live that way.

It took a couple more times of talking things out but now we have a better situation.

Bottom line, you are not married to mom. She has to have a life of her own. She is behaving worse than a two year old being on top of you all the time.

We are the sandwich generation in a world of people who don't seem to care about the elderly.

maybe mom cannot be independent anymore like you said she is declining and when that happens they loose their ability to be independent its a hard thing to see slip away but it does happen and when you finally see what truly is happening and begin to understand why these things occur you will begin to realize that it is the process we all must go through sooner or later.

think about yourself in how by watching the changes occur in your mother what you would want done when your time comes would you want people close to you to forgive you for things you say or do when you know in your heart you would never say or do if you were younger and healthier? please see past your own insecurities and see the changes in your mother as a journey she is on and perhaps her last journey i pray you will find a way to open your heart and forgive her for she knows not what she does.............be there for her in the worst of times she needs you more now then she ever has in her entire life. sometimes we see the ugly side until we can breakthrough to the softer side it takes patience and lots of forgiveness on our parts to sustain ourselves in watching our loved ones decline and becoming completely helpless.

god bless

It feels more to me that the elderly don't appreciate US. Look at all of these posts and replies about how we try to please and care for our elders to the detriment of our own health and happiness.

for me my health and happiness is on vacation for a while until i have finished this out till the end. that is the only way i can continue on without crying to myself about what i am missing out on while i am bottled up with this care giving. I found the more i complained about what i was being subjected to the worst i felt. instead i put my self in their shoes and treat them as i would want to be treated even though they hate to be subjected to kindness, love, and attention but i give it anyways let the cruelty come my way i will squish it with kindness, and love and special attention perhaps more then they have ever had experienced in life itself. that is my philosophy its whats on my program for my mother and i will stay the course i will walk through the fire one more time let it come my way...........................

god bless

PD it sounds like you need to have a family talk. Sit down and nicely explain to your mom that now that she has settled in it's time for her to help you by taking over some of the chores. Maybe she could do the cooking or the laundry.

Then I would also talk to her about company and going out. Explain that you feel uncomfortable living your life. That you want to be able to have people (family and friends) in your house and that you will be going out without her. At the same time she needs to find some activities to keep her busy and let her meet new people. Join a book club or the senior center.

Sounds to me like your mom is BORED!!

temper tantrums in adults i found to be very challenging i worked with the mentally and physically handicapped for quite a few years best thing to do is to back off and redirect them on to something else. to engage in them on a certain subject can cause catastrophic results not only for them but for you also and it can deplete your energy resources very quickly.............patience and understanding is in order if it is a no win do not go there with them let it go and let it be it is not worth all emotional energy that can zap you an leave you not in control of your self and emotions.

god bless

Dad actually started to say to me, "I am the adult."
I calmly pointed out all the adult accomplishments I have made ALL ON MY OWN while he was traveling around the world RETIRED!
Then I pointed out that if he really felt that way, I totally understood the rotten sibs plan for an assisted living situation because no one would believe I need another adult to "supervise" me if they honestly looked at the proof of a seasoned accomplished adult based on evidence like the house he is living in only because of my adult choices.

Maybe you could tone that down a lot and explain it to mom. After all SHE IS LIVING in YOUR house now, NOT the other way round. If she does not want to eat the way that you eat, there are lots of assisted living situations of all ranges for her to much happier in.

If you are feeling like you will explode, you are at risk for Monday morning heart attack syndrome. That is not good for you. You deserve to have a life.

Thank you everyone for taking the time out to respond to my post. I really appreciate the advice. Just when you think you are alone, you find out there are so many others out there going through worse than yourself. I feel terrible for complaining.

My mother has all of her faculties. This woman can do "any" crossword puzzle and I don't care what level it is. She'll do them in pen! She's increased her wealth in the last few years, (after my father's death) with her business decisions. She's amazing. She's a wonderful cook and her mobility could beat any 65 year old. This is why I'm furious with her. There is absolutely NO reason that can be justified by her demands of all my time. And certainly no justifiable reason for her frequent insults!

Last evening in conversation my husband mentioned that we were having his Uncle and Aunt over for the SuperBowl game. This morning, (after my husband left for work) she walked over to the table, sat down and wanted to know "when" we decided to have people over for the game in a nasty tone of voice. I said, hey listen to me; if we want to have people over as guests, we will do that. She responded in an immediate diatribe of "I don't like company, where am I supposed to go, I can't come out and eat if I want to because there's company here..... I told her flat out, STAY IN YOUR ROOM THEN but, you will not dictate how we live here. Immediately walked off to her room and shut her door. Again, another night of no talking.

It's getting old and really fast!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What about making her an apartment in your home? My grandmother did that. They converted my uncles double garage into a very nice one bedroom. She had her own kitchen and dining area. Plus a living room and bedroom. Amazing how much room there is.

That would give you both your space. Sounds like your mom is missing having her own home. Natural but now you need to find the solution.

We have a large home. We have already made my mother an in-law apartment with approximately 1,200 sq. ft. The only thing she doesn't have in her area is a kitchen. She doesn't need one and wouldn't want one. I do most of the cooking; although she will cook here and there and is a very good cook. So, when I say to her if you don't like visitors you could always stay in your area, (which is also blocked off by a door), complete privacy for her, then I'm within a fair right to suggest that.

I'm swamped running our own business, we have several grandchildren so I'm pretty busy. I don't mind taking care of someone who actually needs the help. I resent having to help someone that's perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.

She's become a tatoo!!!

Hi PD, I just joined this site today and in search of what I should do in my situation with my 67-year old mother (I'm a 38 year old divorced single mother of 1 teen). I've been reading posts here and there, noticed yours and saw how very similar your situation is to mine right now and I'm trying everyday not to explode. It really never occurs to you how others may have the very same situation as you do until you see it for yourself. I don't have any answers for you, but I wish I did. However, I can totally appreciate how you took a stand for your superbowl celebration. I would like to celebrate also, but I doubt that we will have company, since my mother would rather "crash" the party than to hide away in her room. Sometimes I question why I'm trying to have a life now... as much as I want one, I've never really had one in the past. I pray for you peace in home and your heart and some resolve on how to deal with your mother.

CookieLady: I'm so sorry to hear of your frustration also. Posting out here and receiving the kind feedback has really helped me. I hope it helps you also.

I guess my resentment has been building up for a number of years now. I had a successful career 3 years ago; all of which I had to ultimately give up. Father became ill, hospitalizatons, nursing care, end stage care, finances, attorneys, remodeling/decorating mother's new condo. She spent oodles of money remodeling/furniture, appliances, etc. etc. Last April mother decides living in condo is not for her, can she live with me. Absolutely! I knew before she moved in that she did nothing and made no decisions without asking me but at least then I had my house to myself and time for myself.

Now, husband and I started up a new business 2 years ago that we're trying to get off the ground. The business is starting to take off and we're very busy; she knows this. I work Mon-Sat. So I have Sat. evening and Sunday to relax, housework, laundry etc.

I've never seen such tantrums in an adult if I even want to take a nap on Sunday. She won't let me shop without her, she's mad in the summer if I'm working in the garden beds. I literally can not move anymore without her pulling a tantrum and retreating to her room to sulk!

I can certainly understand having patience for a parent if they are becoming feable or sick. But, when none of that is involved; my patience has gone straight out the bloody window!

Sorry to vent; if you need to talk, I'm always here to listen. I'm sure we've both had both frustrating and laughable moments to share.

Take Care

What about making your mom feel important? Ask her to help you by having dinner ready when you get home. That way you will have a little time to spend with her instead of cooking.

I'll say again it sounds like your mom is bored and lonely. She is home by herself all week then when you get home you don't want to be with her. Understandable on both sides.

Another thought is can your mom help at the business? Maybe if she went with you two days a week?

Bottom line is that neither of you is happy so something has to change. An honest conversation with her might be a good starting point. Explain how you feel and what you see in her. Hopefully she will see it also. Then you can work on some solutions. And it might take a few tries to get the right one.

When dad first came to live with us, he was planning a cruise. He can't hear and refuses to get a hearing aid, so I was helping him on the phone. At one point, he turned to me and said,
"You will HAVE TO come with me.l I have to pay for two anyway."
It was then I realized that he wanted to use me to replace my mother as his company.
I said, "No, I have a husband who I will cruise with. BUt thanks."

When did we become responsible for our parents activities the minute one dies?

I even tried involving dad in my volunteer work. ONe day he showed up 5 minutes after me. He sat talking with everyone for 20 minutes and then said, "Well, if your not getting off the computer, then I will go home."
Again, he decided that he would do only the computer stuff. That might have been OK BUT he just blindly clicks and double clicks. Then he whines my name when the thing is totally messed up.
One day I spent over an hour setting up for a task in a folder defferent from the one he used. He sat there and purposely deleted the entire hours work. He came and told me, " I found this bunch of empty ones. I deleted them. I don't want those empty ones around confusing me." When I asked what he was doing outside of the folder he was supposed to work in, he told me that I set him up wrong and he had to fix it.
I told him flat out that could not be possible becuase I spent the morning creating things for me to use and made sure that it was no where near his stuff.
He never came back to help because after that I would not let him get on the computer.

They have to take responsibility for themselves. Just because they are alone does not mean someone has to step in to entertain them.