Three out of the last four weeks mom has been to the ER and all three times admitted. Four weeks ago her stay was the longest of the three (4 days). Last night she was admitted again because of Aspiration Pneumonia. I had a conversation with the doctor that is honestly making me feel so sad. 

There is no pill or surgery for aspiration pneumonia. You need to change your diet and eating habits and in extremem cases a feeding tube, but that just marginally reduces the risk unless you can also close the patient's throat (sarcasm). Surgery is NOT an option for mom. She would continue to eat out of habit and/or stubbornness and would continue to Aspire, go to the ER, be admitted only then she would also have the discomfort of a feeding tube. 

Hospice care sounds a lot like code for "your loved one is going to die inside of six months" and that is a conversation that is hard to have. I consider myself level-headed, but I become a 4 year old child when I think of loosing my mum. I've cared for her for the last 20 years and I am just not ready to see her go. There are still things that we have to do, take her to the movies--which she loves, go on a cruise, visit Hawaii, raise a garden, put hard wood floors in her room, be kinder and more patient, show her that I love her, ask forgiveness, change, meet my son/daughter.

I took a breadth a bit ago and it felt like the oxygen itself was set on choking me. I hit something in my chest when I inhaled that I didn't know was there. I feel like I am shaking.

I am not ready to see her go. Is Aspiration Pneoumonia really the end? Is Hospice Care really code for "Good Bye"?