Can you move her into an assisted living or nursing home???

If you already feel like you have bit off more than you can chew................you prolly should look for other alternatives.

We have the same (sorta) situation with my MIL......the idea has been tossed around for us to move in there.............but without even seeing the menu.......I KNOW "I" would be biting off more than I can chew:(:(

For your own sanity......try to check other options.............JMHO:)

No assisted living or nursing home are not an alternative, she said she will kill herself before she lets that happen.
I am going to try to stay away for awhile, let her call my brother and sister for a change. I don't see our relatioship every changing, but I just don't think I can handle living with her.

Others will come around (here) and offer better advice and information than I can. Please know that we are here for you..................if nothing else, you know you can VENT here and sometimes that in itself helps:):)

I will say , I do understand about you not wanting to live with her:):).........and that is not a bad thing..........its simply what it is:):):).....and I can soooooooooo relate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think Trojan has dealt with this problem best. In a nut shell, you need to grow up and stand up to mom. You are an adult and her equal. Right now she needs you more than you need her and she needs to understand that.

Sounds like its time for a family meeting with mom. Lay out the needs and the options. Does mom need 24/7 care? If not what does she need? Can you give her all of the care she needs? Are nurses needed?

Then consider expenses. If you don't care for her will the state pay for an aide? What would they do compared to what you can do? Would they pay for a nursing home? Does mom have any assets?

Mom needs to understand what the needs are and the options. If she wants you to continue to care for her then she needs to agree to some rules. No name calling. No abusive behavior. Set hours(I would suggest not living with her) set responsibilities.

It's not easy to make changes happen. But it is possible. You need to act like an adult and expect respect. And mom needs to understand that you will not be abused.

Do Not move in with her. You just described my mom. She had COPD and was an alcoholic. Our relationship wasn't good at all when she relapsed and refused to quit. She burned her house down and was in ICU for 31 days. When it was time for her to leave the nursing home/rehab I did an intervention with professionals. She straightened up for a few months. I live with my dad and take care of him. I moved mom to an apartment 1 block from me so I could keep an eye on her.

She had home healthcare and the Council on Aging got her qualified for a program called Options or Choices not sure which one it was for sure. She had 3 hours weekly where a lady came in an cleaned, cooked, ran errands and took her to the Dr. as needed.

Tough love is what I used with my mom. If I had been living with her it would've been way to stressful and she wouldn't have qualified for the government assistance she was getting. I did her grocery shopping and managed her money.

It wasn't until she had to have surgery for an abdominal aeorta anyerism that she and I repaired our relationship. Surgery went horribly bad. She spent the last 3 months of her live in the hospital and nursing home back and forth. I was with her 24/7 the last 45 days of her life. She died of sepsis on September 18th 2010.

If you ever want to talk send my a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I'm up late. Let go and let God.

LIMITS and BOUNDARIES

One that seems obvious is:
> zero tolerance for drinking to excess at dinner
> zero tolerance for rude comments ("I don't like you")

Set up a written list of outings that are standard: Library, Doctors, store (list names).
All others are at your leisure and convenience after discussion and agreement (without rudeness) on both parts.

Especially if you are being paid, mother needs to behave with respect toward you.

The rolling of the eyes - just look away.
Other passive aggressive things - ignore if possible. When not possible, immediately remove yourself IMMEDIATELY regardless of activity. It will only take once or twice for her to realize the this behavior only gets her all alone.

If you can, move out now.

Please listen to what these ladies have said here. They have lived through hell, and have each found their own way out. Sunny in particular is spot on with her comments on boundaries. They must be set.

My MIL is one of those "don't ever put me in a nursing home" people. We as their family and care givers must NEVER EVER PROMISE that we will NOT put them in a home! The time and situation will come for almost every older person that they will need extra care either for a while or as a permanent part of their life. Failure to do so would contribute to their declining health.

They may refuse to go, and that is their right. But going back to what SunnyBunny says, you may need to tell your mom that if she refuses to go into an extended care facility you will NOT help her take care of herself. (Or you might agree to help her, but make sure you have rules and boundaries in place.)

Gentle hugs

Campy some here care at home and some have put their loved ones in a home already so if the advice you are seeking depends on what you want to accomplish here. You are not alone give this time you both have to adjust to the situation and it will take a few head bucking sessions . Parents know just the right buttons to push after all they raised us didn't they? Mom may be seeing you as a servant and employee because you are being compensated for it. You have to find a way to get her to see you with different eyes. Sometimes these things take some time to establish patience does not always come easy but her view will change when your view changes learn to do and say things differently then she has known you to be and start from there. I think when I began I left my dad in frustration two times because of his lack of grateful ness and not getting one thank you from him. But I always returned and kept chipping away at the big road blocks that stood between us eventually we were able to bridge that gap but it took time patience and determination that I was not going to throw in the towel I am glad I did not run away from it but embraced it.

You do need to stop her drinking you have more power then you realize do not provide her or enable her to drink I am quite sure her medications are not good to mix with alcohol. You said you drive her every where the power is in your hands not hers. In her eyes she sees a driver, maid, cook and she is the employer and I do not mean this to be in a negative way only for you to see what she sees once you can see through her eyes then you can manage it better.

Threats of suicide is simply intended as emotional blackmail - to lure you back into the nightmare of the abusive relationship.

The things you describe:
"Try as I would I could never get it right. "
"I'm being manipulated and guilted to do things (EX: taking her and her friends to dinner where she drinks to the point I have to be embrassed and then carry her to bed"
When you refuse to do what she wants, she "gets passive aggressive"
Saying, "your getting paid you need to to what I want"
"second guesses every decision that I make"
"I try to discuss things with her she tells me I'm nagging "

These facts are evidence of an emotional abuser.


Please do NOT move in with your mother. It will not turn out well for either of you unless and until mother gets therapy and stops this abusive behavior.

In an abusive relationship, unless the abuser accepts their behavior is abusive and changes their behavior BEFORE they get their way, nothing will change.

It is not up to the victim to change the abuser. The abuser is in the position of power. They love the power. They are addicted to the power and control. IN fact, attempts by victims to change themselves in order to get the abuser to change are misguided and futile. They simply lead to more abuse and ever escalating abuse. The abuser will recognize that the victim is adjusting their behavior to try and make things peaceful. This simply gives the abuser more power over the victim.

Please ignore any suggestion that you have any power to change or control you mom. She enjoys the power and control of being in this position. You are in danger allowing this to continue. The fact that mother is "old" does not change the abuse. It does not minimize the abuse.

Unless and until mother gets sufficient therapy and actually changes and proves that she has every intention to behave without further abuse toward you, this abuse will continue.

Check out DS "Physical & Emotional Abuse" group to read up on others in your situation.

Thank you all for your kindenss and advice.
I know in every bone of my body that moving in is not the right thing.
she called and left a message that said let's just chalk this up to nerves
Like you said Bunny, abusive pattern, I grew up with verbal abuse my mother was a vicitm of it. I married and left my husband because of it. I just so want to break the cycle.

The guilt is killing me I have not spoken to her since Friday , she has other people call I'm just answering my phone..

For both of your sakes you need to grow a spine and stand up to your mum. Read some of my earlier posts sharing my success story.

Dont put up with her bullying.

Its making everyone miserable.

This CAN change!!!! Your turn to put your foot down!!!!!

Trojan did a marvelous job. If you click on "View More Posts" under her name, you will see her posts. That should make it easier to find her wonderful suggestions.

TYTYTY Sunny and Tigg. A bit of validation eases my pain. Im kiind of having a bad week too.

The "victim" can make the abuser change their behavior, or at least they can try. Like others have said, do NOT try to change your behavior to make her happy. Change your behavior to make YOU more happy.

For example consider the abuse "you never do it right" or variations of that. Every time she tells you that simply tell her that you will not tolerate disrespectful behavior. Go direct to the consequence:

Pack up what you are doing and leave. If you are 5 minutes away from having dinner ready, pack up and leave. If you just go there and are cleaning her house, pack up and leave.

Just do it ever time. Do not change the words you use (the broken record method!), and try to keep yourself calm. Ignore any added insults or apologies. This is most effective if you make her realize that it is not a threat about what you will do or might do, it is an statement about what you ARE going to do.

Again, gentle hugs.