i think it would take a sorry individual to walk out on a disabled spouse. i can understand the healthy spouse maybe finding comfort and intimacy elsewhere . i think its a human need, but leaving the disabled person in their time of need shows a complete lack of self respect imo.

I am at the different end of the spectrum here for this discussion as I am the one now facing the "worse" and am worrying about my hubby.

I somehow want to free him from the burden I feel is about to be placed on him. I so want to go peacefully in the night as I sleep........but I can't yet figure out how to do that.

It is possible that your loves ones also felt (or feel ) the same. The beary last thing I want to do is be the "worse" side of my marriage vows to my hubby. He deserves so much more:)

I hope you all see "the better" :):)

~~~bear

debbear, You are breaking my heart , and I thank you for showing me the other perspective.I have always had the feeling my husband has felt bad for having had a stroke. Please remember that your husband loves you "for better or for worse" and to him it's better to have you near despite your condition than to be living without you. That is how I feel about my husband. Tonight I will to tell him this.

Sending you my prayers, Gwen :-)

captain- I hear you on your opinion- to leave a disabled spouse to their own devices would be pretty sad.
debbear- just like Gwen21 said- I am glad to read about the "other side of the fence". I read some of your journals- I am praying for you.
Loves to all, MelodyJane

Such a touchy subject for us right now. Married 19 years and this last year has been the hardest.
Finally on disability, pain just gets worse and depression sets in and loss of hope & faith are stripped away.
The tough protector and provider of the family is now dependent on my income/health insurance and cant work.
Plans change or cancel depending on his level of pain. The house is dark because light causes migraines and the kids stay quiet because Papa is sleeping.
Our son fills out a Fathers Day questionnaire at church as a 1st grader (meant to be cute). The question: What is your Dads favorite thing to do? His answer: Sleep. My husband didnt like that answer b/c he knows thats how we see him most missing out on life.
(In his mind) He cannot satisfy me. He cannot provide for me. He cannot bring happiness and fulfillment to this marriage. I am stuck and wasting my life away taking care of him.
Sad to say, but honestly, he is just waiting to die. And the marriage is dying first.
BUT.FBOFW, I am here to the end. NO matter how hard it gets.

Spatchie- my heart breaks for you.
My love & prayers, MelodyJane

Darn, can you please explain it to the idiot I married? PLEASE!

When I called him from the hospital to tell him that I have Celiac disease, he just stopped giving a crud about how I feel even if a cross contamination leaves me trapped in the bathroom for 48 hours unable to leave.

he comes up with excuse after excuse after excuse for why it can't be gluten that caused it.

Once in hospital when they handed me nothing gluten free, he said, "I knew you were going to turn it down." Like so you knew they had no gluten free foods but refused to bring something for me to eat??/ REALLY?!?

SunnyBunn- what a tough situation you are in. Husbands can be so... difficult at times. I guess your situation is truly a FBOFW...
Hope he changes his outlook- perhaps the doctor can impress upon him how serious your disorder is? Have you joined the group for Celiac? Perhaps someone there would now how to help your husband understand!
Love, MelodyJane
I like your bunny avatar! So cute!

In reading this page I have smiled and cried. Reading your stories are wonderfully soul saving for me.
I am amazed by your endless love and continuous support!
Thank you for sharing :)

Hello, brownielove- glad you chimed in!
Love, MelodyJane

I love this post... This thought crosses my mind constantly. My beloved and I have been together almost 7 years, and while we have not had the joy of having our wedding with his vision loss over the last few years, we've just been trying to catch up with life. I think he really struggles with the idea of a permanent commitment as well now that that he's disabled. I know he feels as thought I would be settling for less of a life to marry "someone like him". I don't see it that way at all. I look at him and see the man I feel in love with years ago... the man that still speaks truth into my life, and encourages me to be the best person I can be for our family and to honor God. He keeps me strong, and thanks me for all I do to keep this family running... While there are days when I feel sad that we may not be able to experience all that other couples our age are getting to now in their lives, I know that we have truly been blessed in other ways. We have reached a level of commitment For Better or Worse" that many others may not be forced to reach for 20 years. Many people in my life don't understand - and have even suggested that I leave him and "just look out for him" but try to find someone who "can be more of an equal partner to me". I try not to get angry, but to see those conversations as an opportunity to show them just how lucky I am to have been given such a special relationship, one that I would not change for anything in the world - one that I never regret and is worth each and every struggle.
These posts are a testament that this love exist! The "get up and take on the world" kinda love! The "Tomorrow's a new day" kinda love... and it's awesome.

Hello, rememberyurblessed- thank you as well for your perspective. FBOFW is important in this modern age. It seems as if marriage has become just another disposable commodity, just like the rest of our modern conveniences. It's good to find more & more people who cling to love and truth.
Love MelodyJane

For better or worse, sickness and health....yea, that is the name of the game.

Amen, OzarkGirl, Amen!

I witnessed this with my parents. Dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia about 4 years ago, but knowing what we do now he was showing signs several years earlier.

For almost three years I would get phone calls from my mom ranging from "everything is wonderful" to "we are getting divorced, I can't live with him". It was very stressful to listen to her rantings, knowing that some was justified and some was what caregivers have to deal with. Increasingly mom was less interested in caring for dad.

She did stick it out. I think at some point she realized that he could not live much longer and figured she would have some great years on her own to do what she wanted to do. Well shortly after his death she had a fall and an infection and we realized that mom had been showing early signs of dementia for several years but dad was covering for her!! The patient was taking care of the caregiver.

I don't judge anyone. We all have to make decisions about what is best for us. No two situations are the same. Unless you are in those shoes you have no idea what is going on. My mom ranted about dad but she was causing some of those problems. My only suggestion is that if you aren't happy about something look for a solution. There are lots of resources for caregivers.