This morning I just about had it with this whole caregiving thing. My husband did not bring this particular zip up the front sweatshirt that has a hood on it to dialysis, so when we got there he said because I told him not to. He had asked me about the weather and if he should bring his jacket, I thought he meant another jacket. My apologies for the long post, but it has been a hurtful morning. I am pretty tough and usually just get pissed, but today was the topper. After dropping him off at dialysis, I decided to write this letter to him and plan to give it to him tonight before I go to bed. If I try to bring up the subject verbally when I pick him up later, he will just tell me what he told me earlier, and I will get upset, so maybe if he just reads my words, I will get my point across.

Here it is:

Dear Husband,

Today, when I told you I did not hear the part about the hood on the jacket when you asked me about taking a jacket to dialysis, you stated to me Thats because you are too busy playing your video poker. That statement you made hurt me very, very much. I am extremely hurt and cried on the way from the dialysis center.

I want to tell you about this morning once I had taken my shower. The first thing I did was to take your jacket and sew your button on. Then I went upstairs and took all the towels in my bathroom, grabbed my laundry, went downstairs and started the washing. Then I went into the kitchen and took an inventory of what we needed at the market. I re-arranged things in the refrigerator and the freezer, including the freezer outside. I took an inventory of what Steven might in the way of quick dinners for nights he comes home late from work. Then I got your pills out and took your VSL out of the refrigerator and put them on the table. While the first load was washing, I went upstairs and sorted thru the bills that needed to be paid coming up on the 15th and separated the mail for the week. About that time I went back into the garage and took the clean clothes out of the washer and then put them into the dryer. Then I got your jacket, and started another load of wash, including washing your jacket. Then I folded the clean clothes and put them away. Then it was time to go thru your dialysis bag and check to make sure you had enough batteries, eye wash, eye cleaners, Kleenex, etc. I went upstairs and got your CD player, and made sure you had the right CDs to listen too during dialysis. After putting that CD in your bag to take to dialysis, then I went into the kitchen and made up your snack, cutting up the celery and the apple, then putting the peanut butter on your celery. (somewhere during all this I made my breakfast too since I was hungry.). Then I went to my computer and made up your daily racing form and the picks for tomorrow, and then checked to see if the program was ready. I wanted to have all your things ready for you for tomorrow. The racing program was not ready. I went back into the garage and moved the 2nd load of laundry to the dryer. Once again, a bit later then I re-checked to see if your program was ready for the races. I am doing all this while you are upstairs in bed getting the rest you need. Then once you do get up, I make your breakfast, run back upstairs, make your bed, bring down the water bottles so I can refill them. Then I clean up the breakfast dishes and then pack up the load to take to dialysis. And doing all this while my Rheumatoid Arthritis is barking at me this morning. My body is stiff and my knees are a bit swollen. Is it bad enough that I cannot do these things - no. I can still function and I dont really let on about it to you. Why should I? It is there and I deal with it. But some days are not all that great.

You are absolutely right, I dont always here what you say. I am not perfect by any means and there are times I am not going to hear what you say. I did tell you I did not hear the word hood. I did not realize you were talking about the jacket you take to dialysis, I thought you were talking about your other jacket. You have been taking the jacket with the hood to dialysis for two months now, so it never crossed my mind you were talking about the other jacket. Too me, it is a given you take that jacket since it is cold at the dialysis center, so I assumed you were talking about the warmer jacket, because you did ask me how the weather was outside today.

I am working approximately 35 five hours a week trying to run our business, that without, we would be up the creek without a paddle, managing the entire household, taking care of you, the pharmacy, the doctors, the medical supplies you need, medical appointments, the bills, and about everything else. Its been this way the most part of the last 14 years or more. It is what it is, and things have to be done. If I dont keep on top of things, it will only be worse for me.

Do I play the little video game on my iphone a lot? Yep, I do its something I enjoy and takes my mind away from the daily stress of this life and relaxes me, and it is fun. But do I neglect what needs to be done? Is the reason I dont hear or fully listen to what you are saying sometimes because of that little game or is it because I am having to be sometimes in mental motion taking care of what needs to be done? Do you bet the horse races 3-4 times a week? You bet you do. And why? Because it gives you something to do and takes you away from the daily stress of this life. Your life is pretty tough, and you have it pretty bad with all the health issues you have. I would not wish your health issues on anyone, especially your dialysis. But my life is no walk in the park either. So maybe now you understand why it upset so much when you said Thats because you are too busy playing your video poker. I am over it now, but I just want you to know how much that statement hurt me."