I just feel very sad for you. You sound trapped and overwhelmed.
Can you speak to your husband about how you feel? All this responsibility is taking it's toll on you and your health.
I go through periods of feeling like this but it passes. You've had this burden for alot longer than me. It may sound hard but what is the longterm prognosis? You have to be honest about how much longer you can do this for.... it's not failure or weak to say...NO MORE....
Sending love and hugs... i don't pray anymore

Dear Kiddo........I know how you feel my friend. Everything you wrote could be written by me also. Like Daisy tho I have not been a caregiver as long as you.

What can you do........besides divorce, really not much. I have given thought to the idea (especially when hubby was throwing plates at me ) but I still honor my wedding vows. Besides can you imagine how bad it looks to divorce a sick spouse ?

I say take MORE respite trips girl.....and savor every minute til it's over ! I'm already thinking about my next one......Vegas :-) Never been there but I love slot's soooo pretty sure I'd fit in there.

Sending you comforting (((Hugs))) sweet friend, Phoebe

Long term, full time caregiving can be and often is a job that just sucks all the energy, ambition, and life right of us. Though you find the mini respites aren't doing the job anymore, please do continue them, or if possible take a longer respite. My doctor told me it was important to take at least 1 week of respite every 4-6 months if at all possible for my own health and well being. Though it took me 3 yrs to get to that point, when I did start taking those respites, it changed my mood dramatically. Even my wife whom I was taking care of noticed the change, including a long lost smile on my face.

However, even with the respite taken, there came a point in time when I could no longer take care of her adequately and safely. Upon her doctors (and my doctors) recommendation and advice I finally relinquished my caregiving duties grudgingly and placed her in a local nursing home. I continued to visit her daily, and feed her meals at the NH, but the relief of not needing to do all the work and duties of caring for a bedridden loved one was blissful. And knowing she was being well cared for slowly relieved the guilt I had of placing her there.
Perhaps it's time for you and your husband to look at other alternatives for his care, whether in home nursing assistance or a nursing facility. It's a tough decision, and guilt tends to go along with it, but it may be a decision you need to make.

Do take care of yourself as well as the needs of your husband.

Hugs & prayers

ah, pretty sure I had posted a comment earlier to this thread, but I see it is not here....DaisyDip - hubby's prognosis for life expectancy was 2-5 years after he started dialysis two years ago. My husband is one of those "miracle men" - he beats all the doctor's predictions! He had a heart transplant 17 years ago, long term survival at the time was considered 10 years. I think he has 32 lives!! in fact, I am sure he does!! which is fine with me, it's just the caregiving portion of this life I am so worn out on....Phoebesfriend, yep, no divorce. but let's meet up in Vegas!!!! and Caregiving1, even though he can hardly see, has trouble walking without a cane or walker, etc., has tons of medical issues, he is still very much mentally active, he has a terrific mind. We still go on a few trips here and there within a 300 mile radius, so he is not ready for a nursing home. I will say that the trips are becoming more difficult for him. And although he has expressed his wishes never to be placed into a nursing home, I told him I cannot promise him. There is always the unknown and we never know what lies down the road. Appreciate ALL the comments and the tips, this site is so good for venting and crying and laughing.

Awe, Kiddo, I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. There were times when I came back from my twice a week four hour respites that hubby had me running before I got back in the door. Don't let that burnout get to you. If the time you are getting isn't enough maybe you need to take a real vacation like Dan said. I could surely see me heading in that directions if hubby had survived. He wouldn't have been happy but it would have been necessary. I hope you are getting plenty of sleep. And yea, that loss of freedom got hard and I only dealt with it for a couple years. Prior to that, even though he needed a lot of care, we could get out and about and I could come and go as needed and I wanted. Big hugs.

I am new on this journey. Can't really offer much advice, but I am glad you felt you could safely vent here. I offer love and hugs.

Deena

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1995! Wow. I can't even imagine. I've only been doing this for 4 years and it seems like an eternity. Sending you hugs.

Wow do I get it!!! I know how monotonous and energy draining caregiving can be. I was in the same situation and I decided to do things in the house ie take a nice shower, read a page or two without being interrupted, give myself a facial, do word puzzles, look at magazines and enjoy my coffee. Make time for yourself! Take pictures and scrapbook all those memories. Watch tv with your lovebug and remember to talk about the plot, I did these things and I hope you can get some relief and add some serenity to your life. Wishing you all the best.