Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Ok this weekend I have to make a monumental decision. I really trust the people here, you have been my lifeline since this whole thing started almost 2 months ago. Im talking to everyone I care about, and then im going to sit down and try to decide what im going to do. Here is the scenario:
Sorry this is so long......
I live in a town called Wausau. My wife and I moved here 2 years ago for her job. Ive never liked it here, but she gets paid big money to work where she does. Well now we are seperated, and I have lost all our old friends, and neighbors, and my relationship with my stbx is civil at best.
Im living in an apartment about 6 miles from my stbx. Here is my custody. I get every wed and sunday night with my boys, and every other weekend. I also get every week that she is traveling for work, which is about 3-5 weeks a year.
Im thinking about moving back to my hometown, Green Bay, which is about 1.5 hours away. All my friends and family are there, and its always been home to me.
I may be happier there, with people around me who care, and a social life to keep me going, BUT I also would have to give up some of my parenting time.
Basically my schedule would change to this: My oldest would move with me after the school year, but the youngest would stay in Wausau with Mom (he is 6). During the school year I would have him every other weekend. I could drive up here to see him on the off week if i wanted, but that probably will only happen every so often.
During the summer I get 1 week a month, so 3 weeks total. My weekends are from friday night to sunday night (when I return him).
I want to do the right thing. I want to get healthy and be happy for my kids, so if moving will help me do that, then i should consider it. But I also dont want to run away from my youngest son, and suddenly become a every other weekend Dad, just because im hurt and lonely.
I want to do the right thing for all of us. My stbx is encouraging me to move of course (it was my idea though not hers), she has nothing to lose. She pretends that she just wants whats best for me, but of course noone can count on that. But she says that honestly everything would be ok, and that our youngest would adjust to the new schedule.
All of this is compounded that I have been temporarily disabled with a knee injury, and am unemployed, though actively seeking employment now. If I was working I would give this more time. But I need a job NOW. So if im going to move, now is the time so I can start working in my new town.
Please be honest and tell me what you think........
Sorry this is so long......
I live in a town called Wausau. My wife and I moved here 2 years ago for her job. Ive never liked it here, but she gets paid big money to work where she does. Well now we are seperated, and I have lost all our old friends, and neighbors, and my relationship with my stbx is civil at best.
Im living in an apartment about 6 miles from my stbx. Here is my custody. I get every wed and sunday night with my boys, and every other weekend. I also get every week that she is traveling for work, which is about 3-5 weeks a year.
Im thinking about moving back to my hometown, Green Bay, which is about 1.5 hours away. All my friends and family are there, and its always been home to me.
I may be happier there, with people around me who care, and a social life to keep me going, BUT I also would have to give up some of my parenting time.
Basically my schedule would change to this: My oldest would move with me after the school year, but the youngest would stay in Wausau with Mom (he is 6). During the school year I would have him every other weekend. I could drive up here to see him on the off week if i wanted, but that probably will only happen every so often.
During the summer I get 1 week a month, so 3 weeks total. My weekends are from friday night to sunday night (when I return him).
I want to do the right thing. I want to get healthy and be happy for my kids, so if moving will help me do that, then i should consider it. But I also dont want to run away from my youngest son, and suddenly become a every other weekend Dad, just because im hurt and lonely.
I want to do the right thing for all of us. My stbx is encouraging me to move of course (it was my idea though not hers), she has nothing to lose. She pretends that she just wants whats best for me, but of course noone can count on that. But she says that honestly everything would be ok, and that our youngest would adjust to the new schedule.
All of this is compounded that I have been temporarily disabled with a knee injury, and am unemployed, though actively seeking employment now. If I was working I would give this more time. But I need a job NOW. So if im going to move, now is the time so I can start working in my new town.
Please be honest and tell me what you think........
I gotta go with kids come first for $1000 Alex.
You can run home for support on your off weekends, you know what I mean? Friends and family know where you are at, and it's only an hour and a half away.
There's my 2 cents ;)
Move.
You can still be a good dad. And you'll be a better dad when you get on your feet. you'll feel better about yourself and your boys will see that.
Remember the wisdom of the flight attendants "Put on your own mask before assisting someone else"
Why do they tell us this? Because our instinct is to help another before ourselves, but without oxygen, you can't help anyone.
It'll be okay Patton. do what you need to do.
1.5 hours is nothing. As long as you have a car, the kids could easily have access to you everyday if you wanted. With my first wife I eventually moved about 1.5 hours away, the kids moved with me but I still worked for 2 more years in the same city as my X. I made the drive everyday. To me the distance is not the issue. To me you have commitments to both the children and yourself. I think you have captured and understand your commitments to yourself very well. As far as the kids, every child deserves access to both natural parents (as long as there is no abuse). Given that, I dont think you can use the distance as an excuse to not see or have access to the children. My 2 boys and I were 1.5 hours from their mother. I know she didnt have much but she used the distance as an excuse and it broke their hearts over and over again. They never wanted the big sleep overs or fancy restaurants, all they ever wanted from her was to see her and be with her. I was even willing to pack them a lunch and drop them off and then pick them back up.
All that to say, by all means move, it will be good for you but dont let that be an excuse for not seeing your children. I also suggest you involve them in the decision, even if you have already decided what is happening let them work it through in their minds and input. They will value this and feel as though they have some degree of control in the situation. Good luck.
I know it's hard, lonely and you yearn to be "where everybody knows your name" I've lived away from family all my life and it was tough at times.
I'm sorry for this decision you have to make---you know what is best for your family. Good luck with all of it.xoxoxo
30 to 45 min should be managable
Also, if you are going to move... make the move before you start the divorce process. Sometimes there are stipulations built in once the process has started.
You seem fairly young.
What is it that you are looking for specifically? Is it empty feelings you'll have when you're whooping it up with friends and having your "family" near you? Or, being away from your kids making you feel 1000% more alone than where you are without much of a support system?
The greatest gift and right you have, is as a father.
And, if you're not employed currently, I am curious why you don't have the kids more to strengthen that bond, and also to assure them that they are the most important to you.
Being in a divorce can be difficult at best, but you're divorcing a woman, not your children. Think long and hard about what's best for them right now, not what's best for you and you being healthy for them. If you're healthy and not there, who's going to be there for them really?
I would give both my arms and legs to be with my kids everyday although, I wouldn't be able to hobble around to take care of them. That's who I am though. I have one chance at fatherhood. Their mother, my ex wife, is very, easily replaceable. I can't get a do over as a dad.
Think long and hard about what's really the ones who's gonna lose. Is it you and the marriage, or is it your kids' losing normal daily touch with dad if/when they need you.
This goes I guess for school age when there's concerts, conferences, sporting activities, opportunities to give children who didn't ask first to even be born, then to have the two they care about the most split up.
Kids need both parents, unless of course one is causing some form of harm to the children or themselves exposing the kids to poss. harm.
My two cents.
Wishing you the best in your decision, which doesn't have to be made in a weekend.
You're going to need moer thought time for this one and I wish you the best.
Last piece of advice I have to give.
When I am faced with a major life altering challenge, I grab that "mirror" and look real hard in it, and that gives me the answer I'd been seeking all along.
So much stuff to think about.
Please keep them coming.
That could definitely be something I might consider. Though the extra half hour, I might as well be in my home town right?
As for being away from the kids, well my oldest wants to be with me; and by legal right he can go where he wants. So he would be with me most the time.
There would be no child support, at least not while my oldest is under 18. We would be splitting primary placement of the boys so it would be a wash.
Not that she could get child support from me anyways, she out earns me 3 to 1.
Then if you can get the stbx to agree to your move, if farther than allowed, then move.
But never stop seeing the kids, make sure you dont stop what you are planing, what so ever.
You do need to make yourself happy but the kids are very important.
Even though my son lives with me now, I still make the drive to pick him after a weekend with his mother. That is how we have it worked out, because of the distance now which is 75 miles. She picks him up at my place on her weekends, and I pick him up on Sunday night.
It works for us but may not work for you.