Well I'm going to talk about my relationship in a way I never have. I've talked to my friends about little pieces here and there. Never all at once. So here goes nothing and everything.

My husband and I started seeing each other when I was 18 and he was 25. He was my first everything. I was young and so excited. We moved way to fast. There were signs but I had blinders on and didn't want to see them. I told him dark secrets from my past. And he thought it would be okay to tell someone that I used to self harm and that I was molested as a young child while we were at the bar. I forgave for that. He never had a stable job. He just floated for job to job. I didn't care at that point it was the summer before I went to college. Things were fine.

When I went to college, he became different. He would call my nonstop until I answered. He would break up with me multiple times. He would apologize. I would forgive.(this is the pattern). He eventually moved to the same town I was attending college. Didn't have a job so I rent an apartment for him and paid the bills until he found a job. I moved out of the dorms and into that apartment. He didn't like the fact that I was doing the collage thing. So I slowly started to cut my friends and family out of my life. They didn't like him but wouldn't tell me why. My blinders were on full force. Shortly after he moved he cheated on me. I know  most people wouldn't consider is cheating but I do. You see he called one of those sex operator things. He used a other women's voice and whatever to get off. Oh and used my debit card to pay for it.(this is were lieing to my face started)

We got pregnant 6 months into the relationship. I was 19. So I was working, going to school whIle he would sit at home or work from time to time. Buy time our daughter was born we had to move because I didn't have maturity leave and he had no job. I stayed home with my daughter for a few months. While we moved a couple of timessages because of his work issues. I finally went back to work to support the family. 

A year later we decided to get married. I mean we were to together for a couple years, had a kid that's the next step right. Well that's what my 21 year old mind thought. His parents started planning. Well four months for the wedding. We were at the bar for his brother birthday. My husband was drinking and someone pissed him off. His friends took him outside and someone came and got me. I went outside tried to get him to leave. But instead he turned me around held me against the building and started choking me. It took a couple of his friends to pull him off me. That look in his eyes would still come back from time to time when he was mad. It scared the shit out of me every single time throughout the years. But like a dumbass I forgave him because he said he was sorry. So the wedding went on. Three days later I was pregnant again. He would refuse to wear condoms. And I have horrible reactions to birth control. I I tried to track my cycles but it didn't work. 

The same cycle kept happening. He would find a job work for awhile, quit. Rinse and repeat. Everytime he said he would change things would get better. I just wanted him happy so I would support him no matter what. I started to lose myself. I didn't see my friends and talk to them. Didn't talk to my family unless I had to. we moved a few more times. 

I put up with everything for years. We had problems put a bandaid on it. Well while I was pregnant with our 3rd child is when I finally started to have enough for real. One day I was napping. He packed a bag left a note. I woke up to him putting on his shoe. Found the dear Jane letter. That's when my heart was ripped out for the last time. I broke down completely.  But once again he apologized and said things were going to be different. I was never the same after that.

I tried to get back to were I was with him. But then I started catching me in lies. And he would make up more lies to cover those ones. He would lie straight to my face even though I have to proof in front of me. I tried and tried to make things work. With every lie my heart would harden more  and more. This summer was my breaking point. He was mad at me for something. So he locked me and our 3 children out of the house. It was night time. I screamed and cried trying to get in our house. He wouldnt open. We had to stay elsewhere that night.  For months I would stay awake unail 230 AM and wake up at 630. Why? Because I couldn't handle being in the same bed with him. I couldn't handle being touched by him. One of our last big fights was when he wanted sex I said no. He pushed me down on the bed my stomach down. He tried to take my clothes off but for once I was stronger. 

I started reaching out to my friends again before all the happened.  When I would go to their house I would be there for 10 minutes before my phone would blow up demanding I come home to take care of the kids. Throughout the relationship of let him do whatever he wanted. He wanted to go hang out with friends go for it. Wanted to hunt or fish, go for it. I just asked him not to drink much because I was scared on how he would act. 

When I finally left. Things got crazy. He got a lititle crazy. To the point where my friends wanted my to get a restraining order against him. He would tell me he hopes I get some one who beats the shit out of me every day so I would realize it was never that bad with him. He blames me for everything. He blames me for him not want to see the kids. He is the one person that can knock me down and make me believe that I'm the biggest piece of shit ever. At times I believe him. Of most of the time I think that. I've been broken down through the years. 

Nobody tells you that after you leave and are getting a divorce. Is the rummors. I have heard so many things. I have many boyfriends I all I do is go out and party. Just so much shit. Want hurts is when people you gotten so close to, shut  you out and don't talk to you because I choose to leave. I did want I thought was best for my babies and myself. One of the worse things someone told me was that I should have closed my legs and stop letting him fuck me. What people don't realize once you get so broken it's just better to give in and not fight. Because the other fight is away worse.

I regret alot of my relationship. But the choices I will never regret are my 3 children. I will fight for wants best for them. They will always be my world. 

The one way I was told to start the healing is to talk about it. Well you don't like talking to face to face about it. So I figured fuck it. Start hear and maybe to won't hurt so much.