I received a call from the other woman while I was feeding my child dinner. She insisted on telling me the details of their affair. This woman was a stranger to me and gave me information no one should ever have to hear over the phone.
While you state your intentions were to let her know so she wouldn't be living a lie. In a moment you destroyed her life as she knew it. Yes, you are hurting because you were betrayed, but flip the script here, put yourself in her place. How would you feel?

Anger is a reaction to the bearer of bad news, devastating life changing forever information. Yes, I was angry with the both of them and I divorced him. But, I will never forget that call.

Originally you said you did it because the wife's friend asked you to. THEN you said you told her because you would want to know.

It's not fair to ASSUME that just because you would want to know that everyone else would too.

It still sounds like you don't have any remorse for telling her or for going back to him when you knew he was married. AND it appears you don't have any empathy for anyone but yourself.

I am sorry you are in pain, but IMHO, it speaks volumes that you don't take responsibility for your actions or the pain you've caused others.

I understand your point. I'm sure that was devastating and I'm sorry for that. I did not call her to give her details. I did apologize to her and told her I would have never been involved with him had I known the truth. I even offered to end my relationship with him if she wanted a chance to work on their marriage. When she said, "You can have him" I thought she meant it. I'm not even sure if she knew that we were still seeing each other when she called to curse me out. I feel like we were both victims of his deceit and I don't feel good about hurting another human being. I just wish she would direct all her anger towards HIM.

I told her for both reasons--her friend asked me to and I would want to know. I do feel bad for her. I've said that. But I didn't take vows. HE did. I offered to end the relationship. She basically said "Take him." If that's not what she meant she could have called and discussed it with me, not curse me out.

You can wish she would direct all anger to him, but that's not under your control. The only thing under your control is how you deal with it. Maybe just try some empathy for her. He was HER husband, not yours. You feel like a victim of his deceit? Well, for her, it is 100x more so! As you said, they had vows between them. So if you feel like you were victimized, take a step back and realize that her feelings are exponentially worse. Therefore, her reactions and emotions are going to be worse. She has every right to feel anger towards both parties, no matter whether you like it or not. You just need to accept that and move on.

Also, you said you're not sure if she knew you were seeing him when she called you back. It seems pretty possible that he told her he was done with you, and that she was under the impression from him that they were going to move forward in their relationship. You have no idea what lies he was still telling her, and you likely will never know. Certainly can't trust his word on the subject. He clearly lies to anyone and everyone to get what he wants. So even if she said "have him," if her H told her they were moving on without you, and she caught him still with you, of course she is going to get angry. And in a situation like that, a man like him is going to throw you under the bus to the wife. It sounds to me like her anger was likely, in part, brought on by whatever garbage he tells her to hide his tracks. It works out pretty well for him if she's mad at you, takes heat off of him. Consider that possibility.

And, even though you say you felt victimized by his deceit, you still want to be with him, for some reason. He's already lied to you, repeatedly, lead a double life actually. And you know he breaks vows. So maybe instead of worrying about why she is angry with you, and feeling resentful of her for that, you should shift your focus onto pondering why you are still putting up with this man. Because at the end of the day, your interaction with her is over. Yet your interactions with the man who deceived you are still ongoing

I am sure she is angry with her husband too . Now that the cat is out of the bag, we shall see if he really wants to be wih you or not. He should be ending his relationship with his wife if he doesn't Love her. And if he does Love her , maybe he wants his cake and eat it too. Either way I think you deserve someone who is honest all around. You know what he is telling you about himself and his wife if he is telling you things about his wife . Just remember actions speak louder then words. You have to ask yourself do you want a serious monogumous relationship with him or are you ok with just seeing a married man? Don't worry about why she is mad at you worry more about what he is telling her behind closed doors. You don't know if he is saying you were or are just a fling and that he loves her . Every situation is different but I think he should man up and let his wife free if he wants to be a playboy. But just to say it , I think she is mad because you know he is married but still want to pursue. It is his fault and he is the one who is married, but , a girl who can't just wait till after a man is divorced seems like a girl who is trying to steal a husband. But of course every situation is different . To me he is all in the wrong here.

I'm not certain but a guess why women blame women for their partner's digression and lies is to avoid dealing with the fact that they could and maybe should leave him. I was confronted with something similar. Just divorced a few months I started dating a very handsome, tall, intelligent, financially stable man with ambition. On the 3rd date he wanted to discuss going deeper. That's when he confided he was married. He and his wife separated 10 years prior and decided not to divorce because of their money. His wife was living with another man for past 5 years. He had dated on/off. He was confused why I no longer wanted to date him. He couldn't grasp that I wanted an AVAILABLE man and a man married to his money is not available. Esp when that money connects to a legal wife. I never blamed her for his agreement to protect their money by not divorcing. And yet another time, my now ex became engaged to a local woman which is why I filed for divorce. I never blamed her for his lies and outrageous behavior. Naturally I did not believe her when she said she didn't know he was married. Small town? Yeah she knew. I could not blame her for his inappropriate and dishonest behavior. They are both dysfunctional to play that game. I decided then I deserved better than either of them. We were divorced. It was harsh and cruel divorce but worth every moment of freedom and adventure since. I have no regrets, not even about hating her. I agree with your notion that women do not need to be blaming each other for their partner's dysfunctions and for their lack of taking personal responsibility and accountability for that dysfunction.

The question I MUST ask is how in the world did you date this guy for A YEAR AND A HALF and not have a CLUE that he was married? Seems to me like there would have been plenty of signs. But that's neither here or now.

You are the bad guy because you were fooling around with someone else's husband -- whether you knew it or not.

My advice: CUT IT OFF IMMEDIATELY if you haven't already. Hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned. Trust me on this. When I found out the REAL reason my husband of 25 years had left me for a co-worker, I took my handgun to a friend's house for safekeeping. I was so angry, I was afraid I would kill them BOTH! And he certainly wasn't WORTH spending the rest of my life in jail for!

What's done is done, you need to move on. One thing I would caution you to remember is that if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. He's already proven to you that he isn't trustworthy and that he cheats. Is that really what you want?

I told her that I thought she didn't want him so that's why I continued to see him

^ This is the problem.

The fact that she said she didn't want him isn't the problem. How would you feel if you were in her place? Of course she's hurt, angry and betrayed.
The problem is that once you knew he was married, you continued to see him. When you found out he was married, you should have respected yourself enough to walk away. He wronged you both but you wronged her and yourself when you continued to see her husband. Again, if he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you. You're fooling yourself if you think you won't be in her shoes someday.
You can justify your actions by what she said when she was hurt and angry but you need to respect yourself enough to walk away from a guy who cheats on you and disrespects you. He's shown you both his true colors.

My Ex had a few mistresses during our marriage, I knew of only one until after the divorce. Cheaters tend to cheat more than once.

As for why she is angry at you, because you kinda put it in her face that you were in a relationship with her husband. Perhaps she was in denial, she was most certainly angry and said things to you in anger. Whether she meant it, it really didn't matter since it's still her husband.

My question to you is why are you still with him if you know have confirmation that they are still together?

I always advise people having marital problems to seek counseling and try to resolve their issues, they can't do that if you are in the equation.

As a wife who has been dumped ...twice in my life... I'd say that there is just a huge range of emotions to go through and try to process. Nothing she said in her first moments should have been taken as meaningfully representing well thought out intentions. And possibly this far in the same may be true. Her husband did this to you and to her. It was dishonest, hurtful, wrong and basically the strongest of evidence that he is a user and an abuser. I'm sure she is angry with him as you should be. I'm sure the whole range of human emotion is hitting her over and over in waves.

But since then you've stayed with him even though his whole relationship with you was based on lying to you and making you the "other woman". Honestly, I'd seriously suggest you need, for your own health and coping and future potential to find help to explore why you stayed with him. And in the end it may help you cope with letting her issues role off you too. I say with honest intentions and no malice, seek help.