Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,010 Members

100,360 Posts

0 Online

26yearsgone 08/02/2015

As my stbx was packing his things to exit our 26 year marriage, he said that he wanted to remain friends. When I asked what that meant, he said that he wanted to get together for coffee or a movie every few months. He also said that he hoped we could double-date once we both found other partners. WTF!! After he moved out, he sent me several emails asking me if I was okay. Three months post-separation he sent me an email asking if I was interested in meeting for coffee. I did not respond to either email. I only respond to emails that are strictly about the house or our daughter. I also implemented No Contact and have not seen him in six months even though he lives only five minutes away. I found that it was too emotional for me to see him knowing that he had replaced me with the OW before he had even moved out of the house. It is now ten months post-separation. He is still with OW and they frequently go out and do things with our daughter. Recently, he text me and said that he was still hoping we could be friends. I may not have been a perfect wife but I was a good wife. I honoured my wedding vows. I stayed with him through his struggles with bipolar disorder. I feel like he bailed when I was going through a tough patch that included a loss of job, a dying beloved pet, midlife hormones and elderly parents that needed more of my attention. What are your thoughts on spouses that walk out on long-term marriages but want to remain friends? Is this common? Is he just trying to alleviate his guilt at the devastation that he left behind?

gem111 08/02/2015

you answered your own question.
" Is he just trying to alleviate his guilt at the devastation that he left behind?"
YES, YES, YES.

It's all about him.

I'm so sorry,
I wish you the best

kbbcoop77 08/02/2015

Ugh sounds like my ex wife after 24 years she bailed out on me and our daughter for her new boy toy this was 17 months ago. She will text me BS stuff like we're besties. Honestly I think it's part guilt and part mental disorder where they think they did nothing wrong and really "did us a favor" while they wish us well and hope we find someone too like they did. Personally I hope a satellite falls on her head. Just keep it about the kids and don't give him the satisfaction of alleviating his guilt and making himself feel better. Take care I know exactly what you're feeling.

williamjackson 08/02/2015

My stb-xw wants the same thing. I don't think I can ever be friends with her. Were it not for my kids, I wouldn't speak to her at all!

26yearsgone 08/02/2015

kbbcoop77 - You make me laugh! A satellite? Really? I was thinking about my stbx getting hit by a bus or getting publicly dumped by the OW but a satellite will do just fine!. Out of curiosity - does your daughter spend any time with your ex and her boy toy? My daughter seems to have no problem with it or with the fact that her father walked out on our marriage.

pinkrose28 08/02/2015

My ex is the same way. of course we weren't married and we don't have any kids but after we were officially done because HE said he could never see himself marrying me he kept trying to see me. At first I thought maybe it was he just missed the routine of it but as time went on it just got me so angry. He would stop by my house, leave me voicemails and send me random emails. I told him hearing from him was painful and he was hurting me more and preventing me from moving on when he didn't respect what I was asking. He then told me I was immature for not being able to be a bigger person and remain friends. Honestly when someone tells you they don't want you and you pictured this entire lifetime with them....how on earth can they ever expect for you to want to be around them ? I think your doing the right thing by just staying away unless its about your daughter. The back and fourth thing truly does cause more pain

onmymind2000 08/02/2015

My thoughts? They can crap on you, but still get to be "nice" to you by being your friend. They don't want to be with you, or commit, but they want the benefit for casual conversation and "good" feelings. I think it comes from guilt.

kbbcoop77 08/02/2015

My daughter was 17 when she left and she's 18 now. My awesome ex hooked up with our daughters boyfriends dad. We've had him over for BBQs and Fourth of July so that worked out swimmingly. Anyways my daughter will see her occasionally, texts/talks often but NEVER with her boyfriend she can't stand him. He has 4 kids with 4 different women and 3 of the kids have nothing to do with him. He did however have his daughter move in with him and my ex so she has her new ready made family. My daughter refuses to go into her apartment. Our son is 27 and doesn't talk to her at all. He's way too disgusted. Bizarre but when they derail and take this path there's just not much you can so except protect yourself from the craziness. Take care...and glad I made you smile, I like imagining her in freak accidents preferably with mr. Wonderful.

mynewnormal 08/02/2015

same boat.. 'I hope after all this is said and done, that we can still be friends'..!?! what an effin joke!.. friends dont DO things like this to each other, friends RESPECT each other, and are HONEST

I agree with everyone else, its a way for them to 'get their cake and eat it too'.. obviously after soo many years of marriage we have traits that they DO like.. maybe even love.. but they chose a different road, and they can walk that road ALONE

I refuse to talk with my ex about anything other then our kids or support money.. its black and white for me, he was my best friend before he blindsided me.. that friendship/or what I THOUGHT was friendship died with our divorce.. you can't be friends with people like that.. I'm so glad you've gone no contact, its the hardest thing to do.. and yet it makes such a huge difference :) one day at a time! ((hugs))

LostNFound3 08/02/2015

My Ex and I entered into a passionate relationship right after the divorce, so she really wanted to be friends, with benefits. This while she was still taking trips to see the first OM. At the time, I didn't respect myself enough to stop doing things for her and call it off. This May, we reconnected again physically, and she was dating a new guy within a week and telling me she was doing it for my good - because she never intended to remarry me, so one of us had to move on and she did it as she realized she wasn't being fair to me. Ok. But she still wanted to be friends and invited me over for Father's Day with her family. I declined.

I'm still working on detaching. I fixed her WiFi, but mostly for my son as his games stopped working, and I watered her plants while they were on vacation. I shouldn't have. I won't do that again.

So, why does she want to be friends? It seems as others have noted - so that she can feel less guilt and so that she can have the benefit of using me. Well, no more.

lostntx 08/02/2015

Apparently I am not the only one. I got the same garbage. After she cheated on me. I'm with you on the no contact except for kids. No way I am going to be friends. And she only lives a couple of minutes away. Coop sounds like we may have been married to the same woman.

refurb 08/02/2015

so they look like they are taking the high road, narcissistic pieces of shit that they be

friends don't ffffffffff a person outside of the marrage, touch my kids with thier cheating hands and lips, choose to destroy the kids nest, bring scumbag into the kids lives

not anyone i want to be friends with,
i wouldn't do that to my friend, or a stranger, or an "enemy"

stick the high road up your fake self

LostNFound3 08/02/2015

You nailed it Refurb. I was a slow learner and it only cost me more pain. I've finally opened my eyes and I see exactly what you see. It seems we are not alone in this either.

bruticus 08/03/2015

She wanted to be friends so I asked her to meet me for a lunch at a park. I brought Safeway sandwiches with me. Before she had anything to say I said....

You F-up our marriage by cheating. I've met a new women. You leave us alone and don't F-up this one for me.

I think she took it pretty well.

Aries1958 08/03/2015

He is trying to absolve himself from the responsibility and relieve himself of guilt. A well adjusted partner would not have left because you experienced life altering circumstances such as changes in hormone, elderly parents requiring more care, loss of a job, loss of a pet.

He impresses as being into himself.

Aries1958 08/03/2015

He can't decide to be friends on his terms. You have to want to be his friend. You may never be his friend and that is okay. The best you can have with him is an amicable relationship because you have a daughter.

Join the Conversation