Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
As my stbx was packing his things to exit our 26 year marriage, he said that he wanted to remain friends. When I asked what that meant, he said that he wanted to get together for coffee or a movie every few months. He also said that he hoped we could double-date once we both found other partners. WTF!! After he moved out, he sent me several emails asking me if I was okay. Three months post-separation he sent me an email asking if I was interested in meeting for coffee. I did not respond to either email. I only respond to emails that are strictly about the house or our daughter. I also implemented No Contact and have not seen him in six months even though he lives only five minutes away. I found that it was too emotional for me to see him knowing that he had replaced me with the OW before he had even moved out of the house. It is now ten months post-separation. He is still with OW and they frequently go out and do things with our daughter. Recently, he text me and said that he was still hoping we could be friends. I may not have been a perfect wife but I was a good wife. I honoured my wedding vows. I stayed with him through his struggles with bipolar disorder. I feel like he bailed when I was going through a tough patch that included a loss of job, a dying beloved pet, midlife hormones and elderly parents that needed more of my attention. What are your thoughts on spouses that walk out on long-term marriages but want to remain friends? Is this common? Is he just trying to alleviate his guilt at the devastation that he left behind?
Friendship is possible, but not for years down the line. At that point, if they've proven themselves to be decent people through the divorce, it'll be like an old friendship. Seven years post divorce, I'd say that my ex is my friend.
my Ex wants to be friends out of his own selfishness, and I'm not having it. he cheated on me with at least 2 women, spent carelessly, started abusing drugs and alcohol. almost a year into our separation-toward-divorce process, he got arrested for an altercation with his live-in girlfriend. he has pretty few friends and resources now, and our divorce is final now, and I did get full custody with supervised visits ONLY for him. He wants me to feel sorry for him, when he put himself in the situation he's in now. He wants me to be his friend, because he's truly lonely and miserable. He truly doesn't understand why all the sh*t he put me through makes it impossible for me to believe a word he says. and as soon as he finds a new girlfriend, he will quit trying to be my friend. So I just keep it to NC as much as humanly possible. I feel like a jerk sometimes, but I know that's part of his game: make a huge mess, then make people feel sorry for him when his consequences come to a head.
Some exes may genuinely want to be friends, but I think most do it because they are suffering through their own bad Karma, and they remember how loving and trusting we were and they miss it.
Most of the time cheaters want to maintain their image and if the rest of the world sees that you forgive them, then how can anyone else have a problem with him? You being friends with him sends this message to the world: "see what I did wasn't so bad; my ex and I are still friends."
You've done everything right. Maintaining no/minimal contact is maintaining sanity. This has nothing to do with him caring about you. He showed you how much he cared when he walked out for someone else. Continue to show him and the rest of the world that what he did was NOT okay.
Sending hugs your way
ilostitinthedivorce.com
Ever since then she has just been boasting to her facebook friend on how her and I are such amicable good friends. For the kids sake, I am cordial and amicable with her, but deep down I think she is the biggest phony on the planet. My trust for her has been completely been obliberated. Every time I talk to her now, I can't help but wonder if she is being genuine with me or not. Since I thought she was being genuine with me during our marriage, only to find out she was acting and thinking of exit strategy the whole time.
If there were no kids involved and I didn't pay her support, she would probably never speak to me again because I am not important to her and it shows. I on the other, when the kids grow up, will avoid her like the plague because she hurt me, wasn't genuine with me, wasted a lot of my time and betrayed my trust.
Personally, even after all the stuff they've done to us, or after that my former wife did to me... I'd just assume release it all rather than keep it held against her. It doesn't I want to be close friends.
It just means I want recovery and healing, it's almost independent of her anymore.
There will be exes who want you to not see them for what they did, there will be others who want to collect emotional security from you, then there will be those who don't want anything but peace. Cheers.