So sorry you're having a rough night. Hugs to you! I only know some about you from your posts, and I think that your guy lives at your Mom's house with you? Maybe that's a problem. He's always in your face, you know what I mean? Is he saving for a house for the two of you? Sorry you have so much on your plate. You seem super strong and I know you will get through this, as you have for so many things already. Here if you want or need to talk.

How would a man know how to save money? He put me on his bank account so I can check it every day and make sure there is money in there. I have to transfer my money in there every month, even tho he makes more than me. He doesn't worry about money. I have to do everything or we would have nothing. The house is in my name. My mom lives with me because she is old and disabled. None of us can afford to move.
Last night I went back to bed and he was still awake on his phone. He ask if I felt better. I said no I haven't slept at all I feel like I'm dying. I don't wanna live, I keep thinking about killing myself. He didn't even listen or bat an eye. Just got up and said he was going to the living room and that I should get some sleep, laughing at something on his phone and shut the door! He left me there in tears with a revolver that I use for home defense right next to the bed that I could have killed myself with. Ive stayed with him so long because I never doubted he loved me. But clearly he doesn't give a damn about me. I don't talk like that all the time either, I usually keep my depression hidden. He is just like every other guy. Uses a girl as long as she acts ok and fucks him and does every thing for him. As soon as she is sick or has something wrong, a man is done with her. I might as well not exist. :'(

You are doing this out of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of " no ones loves me", fear of financial insecurity, fear of facing your demons.

The only way to resolve this is to face your fear(s). Easy to say, difficult to put into action, but once achieved, frees one to enjoy the life one wants.

“It’s time you realized that you have something in you more powerful and miraculous than the things that affect you and make you dance like a puppet.” – Marcus Aurelius

it took me a long time to understand that
what pulls your strings, others, events, or even just your own worry & fear
the more you can be aware of such, the more you'll decide to cut the strings that others pull and the more attention you'll put towards control your own

a lot of men & women are good at knowing how to pull the strings of people that love and trust them

get better at understanding yourself and your "strings", you'll be ok, you can even down the road have a relationship because you'll be better prepared to see who is manipulative and who is genuine

Ghost..he's using you. He doesn't care. He's like a kid.

A real man would take care of you. Someone who loves you would put you before them. It may seem small but being quiet while you are sleeping, checking on you, helping you. You stated he loved you. He can say the words but can't back them up.

I can't believe he doesn't help balance more that care of you that way. You have enough going on in life.

I know you are physical and mental pain but kicking yourself won't solve anything. He won't bat an eye. To get even with him is live a happy life. Be you. Forget him.

You say none of you can afford to move out...while it might be tough for a while..you need to kick him out. Some things are more important than money.

You come first. I promise there are guys that won't use use.

I agree! I read this thread this morning, but I just didn't want to be the one to say those harsh words...you need to kick him out. It's your place, dammit. Kick him out and cut off all contact. He is disrespectful, he is a burden, you're not married, you have taken no vows, so he needs to go and you have no reason to feel guilty.

Agree. I was debating commenting as well because myself and others have made past comments about him and your situation and I didn’t want to sound like a broken record. And then when I saw you say he was now your fiancé in another post, I thought well what changed. Clearly nothing.

He’s not fiancé material or boy friend material. Yiu are settling because you feel you have no options and you think it’s better to be with a useless turd than be alone. You are also spread way too thin and way too taxed. I know you also care for your mom as well. It’s too much when there is so much dysfunction in your home.

Being alone is a 100 times better than dealing with this shit. I wish you could get your head around that. You have all the power and control. Just break up with him and send him on his way. He can find s friend to live with if needed. You can get a roommate if needed. If you need to find a facility for your mom, do it. If she’s eligible for Medicaid, that will help cover her costs. My 72 year old mom has Alzheimer’s and she lives with my brother. She can barely speak, can’t walk and can’t control her bowels or bladder. If it got to the point where her care was affecting the well being of my brother and his family, we would put her in a nursing home. That is the agreement we all made, and we had to take our guilt out of the equation in order to get to that agreement because there is that sense of obligation we place in ourselves. It’s not fair for anyone to put that pressure on themselves. Fortunately she has some at home care under her insurance which helps. If she didn’t we’d have to move her. That is just the reality.

So start with losing him. I think having him out of your home would give you some much needed clarity.

Agree 100% with all the above responses. Take heed and focus on you.
Rmb hit it on the head with being alone is Better than dealing with nonsense
Enough said- It is about taking action.
Positive vibes sent to you Big warm Hugs .
Take it one step at a time- you are worth it-Take the advice in the above
responses and like my grandma would say" Make Haste"
<3