Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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sarahb1985 05/27/2016

Just found this forum. What a life saver. I'll try to make this short.

Married 15 years, stood by him thru alcoholism, porn addiction, unemployment, and bipolar disorder. He was emotionally absent from much of our marriage, alienated most all of our friends, my family - well you get the picture. but I stuck with him, I took my vows seriously. I stood by him above all else.

Then he got a new job and I found out he was cheating with a girl he worked with. I kicked him out, divorced him, only to allow him to convince me he wanted me and only me and I let him back in to my heart. We have been back together for two months and then all of a sudden he stops calling. I finally get him to tell me what is going on. He says he keeps dreaming about "her", but he doesn't know why, he loves me not her and he's just so broken up about it and doesn't know what to do.

I know I should tell him to take a hike, go away and never call me again. But I feel so hurt, so jealous that this woman is still interfering in my life. Why can't I tell him to kick off? Why do I still feel like I love him. I am so lost, I don't know how to face another day. I could use some of the great advice I see on this site to get me thru the night. I am falling apart.

furbabymom 05/27/2016

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry. I hate to blunt. And I still love my stbx very much. But this man of yours is not going to stop. He just wants it all. A soft easy place to land with you. Please don't let him do that to you. You did it once. You can do it again! You are too good for that. Ur a real person with a real heart. Please think of you. Feel free to vent. Y o u are among friends here. Big hugs to you.

serenityspeaks 05/27/2016

For one you were together a long time i am close 14 yr. So even when hurt its hars to shut feelings off. Personally you have dealt with alot. If it was me i would work up strength to let him go. I am one that use to follow the thing if we love each other we can work through it all. In the end my forgiveness seemed to be him thinking i will take whatever. All because i felt with kids in our case i needed to put a good effort in. Often some pain is hard to deal with while forgiveness may be one thing the pain is there. I am sorry for ypy pain. Its not easy....living it now.

sarahb1985 05/27/2016

Why do I feel so let down. Why do I want to fight for someone that keeps letting me down. Why can't I be the strong one and why do I keep allowing him to come back. I gave him everything. I keep thinking with her he will be some new different person and I get jealous of her. I know it's ridiculous but it just overwhelms me and I don't know how to keep going. I devoted so much of my life to him and so wanted to believe he was sorry for the affair and I took him back into my life. I am devastated all over again.

furbabymom 05/27/2016

It's not ridiculous at all! I think for me even though I still very much love him,that I had to decide to live me more. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. So I can't let him repeat the action. I can't hurt like that again. I've decided that it's ok if I love him. But I can't be married to or be with him. Maybe one day we can be friends. For u I think no communication is in order as it is for me as well. Hang on gun. This group will love ya through it. They have been a huge blessing to me.

sarahb1985 05/27/2016

I am so glad I found this forum tonight. I need to reach out but can't put my friends thru more of listening to me especially when they have all said to let him go and I keep making excuses for him and reasons to go back. How wrong I've been. Such a stab in the heart to hear him crying about how torn he is over her and he doesn't know why he is dreaming about her. I'm pretty sure that is code for talking with her and sleeping with her again, he probably thought it sounded better.

furbabymom 05/27/2016

That's why I came here too. Even though my family and friends are a huge support I started to feel like a burden because it's all I talked about and just wanted someone to hear and understand my pain. I found that here.

mirandac 05/27/2016

It does help a lot coming on here, i too
burdened my friends.

Everyone Has their own problems and
get tired of Listening and being near your
Pain.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. My ex
started to go to AA and became worse. He has
Been dry for years.

As far as i know he is still with his AA GF. I can
do nothing about his addictive personality. I can
only change and fix myself.

I am one year post divorce and have gone no contact
So i could detach from him. It takes time be gentle
With yourself.

Hugs

Mirandac

sarahb1985 05/27/2016

Thanks all. This forum is keeping me alive right now as I just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and die due to how much pain I am in. I want to be strong and tell him to go and never contact me again yet somehow I'm sitting here waiting for HIM to call ME to tell me he still wants to be with me.

mirandac 05/27/2016

You do not need to take him back.

You do not need to make a decision today.

Are you doing any therapy or support groups?
To help yourself get stronger.

Hugs

Mirandac

jojored 05/27/2016

Hi, I'm so sorry that you've been hurt like this - twice by the same guy. It might help if you can really look within yourself to find out why you let him treat you so poorly. I've had to do that myself, and learned through the marriage counselor that his mistreatment of me, the emotional abuse and neglect, was very similiar to the chaotic household I had growing up. It was a case of monkey see, monkey do. I didn't know any differently so I gravitated toward what was familiar, without ever realizing what I was doing to myself. I did this for many many years.

Once I realized the WHY about why I allowed myself to be treated so poorly, I absolutely knew I would not allow it to continue. It's hard to break those old patterns where you let yourself be a doormat, but it comes down to survival. You need to survive.

Ask yourself this question: would you let your sister, or best friend continue to be involved with someone who betrayed her more than once? Probably not. Give yourself the same good advice you would give a friend.

sarahb1985 05/27/2016

I have started seeing a therapist. I can only afford once a month and the time between is just so hard. I don't know why I keep going back for more. He has proven many times over I can't trust him and yet, when he says he's changed and I'm the only one I want so badly to believe. Maybe I don't want to feel like I've wasted 15 years and at 49 years old I terrified of being alone. I wonder if understanding why I do it will make the pain any less.

I'm capable in every other aspect of my life. I have a good career, he lived off me for years and part of me just doesn't want to think he was just with me for the money and security.

You guys are a God send. your words are all that is keeping me going.

mirandac 05/27/2016

Can i ask you a question are you very codependent?

Thats hard to overcome, it takes alot of hard inner work.
I was not really that codie and i have been in alanon since
2012. I am a lot better now than i was and i am no longer a
Doormat.

I still love and miss him as he use to be, i do not miss
This guy one bit. It is still hard and a lot of damage was
Done by me staying longer than i should have. He started
Getting nasty in 2003 then it progressed and got much worse.

I am glad you have the therapy to help, i have a good one
Of those too. I was just there today.

The no contact started me On my detaching journey. I am
probably at 60-75% after 11 months of NC, i left and moved
13 miles away. I do not pass or see him.

Hugs there is hope at the end of the tunnel sending you a
Healing hug

Mirandac

serenityspeaks 05/27/2016

I know with my ex being so mean since jan i dont truly miss him but this time was first time we ever truly didnt really talk amd he always text alot so at first it felt wierd to not get text. I still look at my phone alot almost wanting text from anyone. Any text from him at this point arent nice. So i kinda cringe when i see his number.

Its hard process even when we realize its best but you will not be happy accepting him back. Most likely it wont end. I know its hard and it hurts. I feel shattered myself from it all:(

sarahb1985 05/28/2016

I've come to learn I'm super codependent. Funny how even though I'm learning some of the "why" of why I allow this doesn't seem to make the pain any less. I'm reading Codependent No More and see myself in about every page. This combined with a man I now think is a sociopath and it was the perfect recipe for disaster. I want to be strong and not care if he finally "picks me" because I know he's no prize but it is so hard and I'm losing the battle with my own mind.

mirandac 05/28/2016

Addictions and narcissism go along together. It
Does not mean they are full fledged. My ex has
traits that came out when his addictive Personality
kept growing even though he was dry.

He kept it under wraps for years and we lived a
Normal moral hard working life. We kept to ourselves
And did our own thing. Neither family was emotionally
Healthy. My family is more dysfunctional than his. His had
More alcoholism issues from his grandfather and mothers
Side.

You can not fix him only fix yourself and save yourself.
Sending you a big warm hug. Keep doing the next best
Thing for yourself. There is help at DV too. They have
Therapy and group therapy. There is help out there.

Hugs

Mirandac

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