Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I am struggling in my marriage. We've been married 15 years, but I cannot do it any more. My husband and I fight consistently and have done for the last 4 years. He has ADHD and I have struggled. I am responsible for every facet of our lives that requires responsibility -- all the bills, signing my daughter up for activities, for cleaning the house, for literally everything that requires a deadline or responsibility. My husband cannot plan or take charge of anything; he has never taken me out on a planned date or for valentines day. I work more than 40 hours a week. I am the primary breadwinner and in charge of everything. It was fine until we had our daughter. I could do it with just two of us. Now with her, I take care of three people and I cannot do it. I am emotionally and physically drained. I am stressed beyond belief. I am staying only because he cannot afford to live without me. But this is not a reason to stay, is it? His ADHD has prevented him from following through with treatment. We sought marriage counseling and the counselor after 10 sessions told us to divorce. The only reason that we haven't is because of our daughter. Help. . . I want the divorce, but I am afraid to do it. Yet I am sooo miserable. He says that he won't be able to afford living on his own (which is true).
If you truly have your mind up about wanting a divorce, please don't stay married because of your daughter. people who do that are always sorry. Our children learn by our example. She is learning to live in a unhappy house, if you are fighting all the time. She hopefully will look for someone she doesn't have to fight with. She is also learning to put up with someone who will not shoulder half, or at least some of the responsibilities that a partner should be willing to do for your marriage.
I think you would be showing her a happier life if you did get a divorce. She will see you don't have to have a man to make you happy, and maybe this will help her to take her time and pick a truly good man that can be a good husband for her.
I wish you luck, whatever you decide.
Money and kids are not a good reason to stay in a marriage - but it stressful either way. I was the sole breadwinner and responsible person too. A bit different bc my ex walked out on me. But, turned out the reason he stayed was because he was afraid to go it alone financially. Oii! That hurt.
But, depending on where you live, the money doesn't matter. I have to pay spousal support. If the marriage is unbearable, then you can still separate and support him. Rubs against the grain, I know.
But, if it is the chores that are getting you down but you still think there is good there, it is much cheaper (financially and emotionally) to buy the help you need. Get the housecleaner, buy the prepared meals. Now, that is only helpful if you do think there is any love left..
I'd like to say that his diagnosis of ADHD impacts on his overall development, but the truth is that there are plenty of responsible adults who are diagnosed with ADHD and take care of their lives, contribute to helping their wives with the daily tasks of raising children. He seems more like a leach. Having ADHD is not synonymous to acting like a dependent child.
It can get ugly when the separation becomes public - emotions everywhere. I have gotten a lot of comfort from knowing I did everything I could to make it work. Helps me deal with the grief and guilt.
I will say that, a year out, I can see the light at the en of the tunnel emotionally.
You are unhappy because you could do it for you and your husband
But not for the three of you
Why would you put that on her?
Why would you put 100% of the root of your unhappiness on anybody but you?
I did this for 22 years...and I was SURPRISED when I asked my x to leave he actually left...he is 61 now, I left him 9 years ago and should have left him 19 years ago. I never stayed for the kids...I knew it wasn't good for the kids...I stayed for HIM like you are.
He did find his way....he works now...never worked when with me.
When he left he moved in with his mother....and found a job....and he seems pretty happy now....BUT...I do GET IT....it is a burden to feel like you are throwing someone on the street that doesn't have the means to support himself.
Maybe there can be some discussion about him finding a job?
Reading your story I see a person who isn't living - is just existing. Marriage is a great thing but what you have doesn't sound healthy. It's also great that you worry about how he would make it financially on his own but you have to take care of yourself first before you worry about others - your daughter needs you, HE needs to figure out how to make it on his own.
When to give up is your question? - YESTERDAY if you ask me. Life is too short. There is a difference between giving up and letting go. You wouldn't be giving up - you would be letting go - because staying means that you will never be whole, you will not know who you are or what you like - you are currently living to keep something going while you are just going through the motions. (I might be off) Life isn't meant to go that way.
Good luck.
I'm not saying that you should stay someplace where you're miserable. But co-parenting with someone that isn't on the same page as you... is very, very, very hard.
Basically, the one that doesn't want to do something...wins.
At least in the beginning, my ex had basically no rules. I got primary custody, and I have relatively easy kids, so it wasn't a huge deal. But they did stay up 4 hours later at his place then mine. I did all laundry, all shopping, got all school materials together. My kids have been independent with their homework since 1st grade, but that would've been on me too.
I settled the arguing with the line "you guys have to follow house rules where ever you are...here, school, or your dad's. I don't get to argue with the school's rules, so I don't want to hear about what you're allowed to do there, that you're not allowed to do here.)
I know that it sounds a bit like I'm arguing for you to stay; I'm really not. I just want you to be prepared.
And again, if stress is the issue, really look to other ways to cut back.