Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hi everyone.
My ex (boyfriend) and I have gotten to the point where our visitations as they have been aren't going to work anymore. He would come to my place and visit our 21 month old daughter, but that's going to change now, in lieu of an argument we had today.
A little history.... Even when we were together he was never a parent - he'd come over a few hours then leave. Even when I was exhausted and kept up all night with her and asked his help of spending the night, he just never did (not even after I suffered a herniated disk in my back and couldn't walk for two weeks, and still have trouble lifting things). So, even while in the relationship I was a single mom.
Anyhow, I only want to have supervised visits between him and my daughter because I don't believe him a fit parent. I'll explain why...
He's abused both perscription (including anti-anxiety and psychotic medications) and street drugs (pot) at the same time (combined them) and seperately, including while driving. He even left a half of a joint on my floor (it must have fell from his pocket) while my daughter was crawling, which I luckily noticed in time, and he showed no remorse about it or her safety.
I've also seen big baggies full of pot sticking out from under his bed when we visited his place and again while my daughter was still crawling (easily accessible to her).
He's also going through a claim with an insurance company (we're in Canada) trying to prove himself incompetent to work because of depression. I've never seen him not functional in this way... but he's trying to prove he is. He had to be assessed at a mental hospital as a condition of the claim (and even told me he was going to "work on the vocational counsellor about not having to work"). And it turned out the treatment programs they put him in weren't working and he ended up getting ECT treatments (electroconvulsive therapy - shocks to the brain). So, I guess his inability to function well at this hospital may work for him so he won't have to work anymore - it's still in the process (he's 43 years old). Although he works on the side to make extra cash! So, it's confusing to me to know how much is real and how much is manipulation.
But the fact that he is emotionally unstable and unable to work in the real world (hasn't for 3 years) - that he is this dysfunctional, leads me to believe he is also not fit emotionally to manage my daughter alone.
He has never participated as a parent, but rather as a "helping visitor." He's just never taken on the role of a parent and doesn't have a clue (never taken a vested interest) in what her needs are.
One time I left him inside my house to feed her and instead of giving her food (that I showed him was for her) he gave her apple sauce instead of a meal.
I could go on and on. But is being mentally unstable (claiming that his depression is so bad he can't work, and having been in the mental hospital for 2 1/2 months, including ECT treatments because his depression was apparently so bad), combined with the fact that he abuses drugs... is this justifyable for supervised visitations?
I want my daughter to have a stable and regular relationship with him, but I don't and have never seen him fit to leave her alone with him. His judgements are obviously poor and I don't trust him because of all of the above.
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. This next step is very new to me.
Thanks.
My ex (boyfriend) and I have gotten to the point where our visitations as they have been aren't going to work anymore. He would come to my place and visit our 21 month old daughter, but that's going to change now, in lieu of an argument we had today.
A little history.... Even when we were together he was never a parent - he'd come over a few hours then leave. Even when I was exhausted and kept up all night with her and asked his help of spending the night, he just never did (not even after I suffered a herniated disk in my back and couldn't walk for two weeks, and still have trouble lifting things). So, even while in the relationship I was a single mom.
Anyhow, I only want to have supervised visits between him and my daughter because I don't believe him a fit parent. I'll explain why...
He's abused both perscription (including anti-anxiety and psychotic medications) and street drugs (pot) at the same time (combined them) and seperately, including while driving. He even left a half of a joint on my floor (it must have fell from his pocket) while my daughter was crawling, which I luckily noticed in time, and he showed no remorse about it or her safety.
I've also seen big baggies full of pot sticking out from under his bed when we visited his place and again while my daughter was still crawling (easily accessible to her).
He's also going through a claim with an insurance company (we're in Canada) trying to prove himself incompetent to work because of depression. I've never seen him not functional in this way... but he's trying to prove he is. He had to be assessed at a mental hospital as a condition of the claim (and even told me he was going to "work on the vocational counsellor about not having to work"). And it turned out the treatment programs they put him in weren't working and he ended up getting ECT treatments (electroconvulsive therapy - shocks to the brain). So, I guess his inability to function well at this hospital may work for him so he won't have to work anymore - it's still in the process (he's 43 years old). Although he works on the side to make extra cash! So, it's confusing to me to know how much is real and how much is manipulation.
But the fact that he is emotionally unstable and unable to work in the real world (hasn't for 3 years) - that he is this dysfunctional, leads me to believe he is also not fit emotionally to manage my daughter alone.
He has never participated as a parent, but rather as a "helping visitor." He's just never taken on the role of a parent and doesn't have a clue (never taken a vested interest) in what her needs are.
One time I left him inside my house to feed her and instead of giving her food (that I showed him was for her) he gave her apple sauce instead of a meal.
I could go on and on. But is being mentally unstable (claiming that his depression is so bad he can't work, and having been in the mental hospital for 2 1/2 months, including ECT treatments because his depression was apparently so bad), combined with the fact that he abuses drugs... is this justifyable for supervised visitations?
I want my daughter to have a stable and regular relationship with him, but I don't and have never seen him fit to leave her alone with him. His judgements are obviously poor and I don't trust him because of all of the above.
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. This next step is very new to me.
Thanks.
He left her in her playpen once for 3 hours (I was trying to get some sleep because of suffering sleep deprivation), and when I took her out, she was soaked all the way down to her feet.
But the fact that he drives while under the influence of drugs, combines street drugs with prescribed medications (i.e. antipsychotics) or has shown an excessive dependency on both individually, and is deeming himself mentally unfit to function daily as a working member of society. If he can't handle the stressors of a job, how is he supposed to handle the stressors of managing a 21 month old alone...? It scares me.
I'm going to have to look into our laws and regulations in Canada. But this future change in visitations just came up today, which is why I'm a little freaked out.
I knew someone once who had to change his visits to being supervised (in the sense of other adults being around) with his kids because his ex wife said he was watching porn on tv while his kids were around (which wasn't even true, he switched on the channel by accident). This change in visitation was just based on his ex's (and kids) here-say.
Then keep a journal of what concerns you. That way you can have a reality check how often and how bad it is, and you won't forget anything, not that you would. You also have a record in case you need to make more restrictions later.
It is hard to protect kids but the good thing (!) is that a lot of bad parents don't actually want the kids anyway - they just want to win something.
I love you're point about some parents not necessarily wanting the kids, but rather, just to "win something." My daughter has always seemed more like a trophy to him, rather than a real human being that has real self-sacrificing needs. He likes the oogling part or especially the 'showy' part, where he can show her off to people - "look at me..." Then when things get uncomfortable for him he passes her to me. And unfortunately, his needs and conveniences always seem to be his priority.
I wish you the best, I really do.
im trying to get the same but the court really doesnt seem to care as to what he has exposed my child to or his addictions.
document everything..and get a law guardian if you can!
By gaurdian ad litem or law guardian, you mean
legal counsel right? If so, I do have a lawyer in mind, when it comes to that.
And I think he would be responsible for the costs once he hired a lawyer first (I'll have to double check, but I think I knew this to be the case for someone I knew years ago). I'm going to wait things out and see what he does.
I did call him and left a message this morning, trying to resolve things just between us, but I haven't heard back from him.
His sister was a social worker too, so, he has that on his side. But the lawyer I'm considering specializes on behalf of women in situations similar to this. So, we'll see.
I appreciate all your feedback greatly. This is all very new to me.
Stick with the attorney you think will represent you and your child the best!