Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I guess I'll preface this by saying that I've had some wine tonight...some over-priced Pinot Noir and Australian White, but I digress. I had a day at the hospital, as a student, and witnessed the kind of love I hope to have. I met a wife who cares for her husband after 4 children, 45 years, and numerous medical conditions he endures as a consequence of being a laborer for 30 years, inhaling metal particles, etc... I also saw a young woman who came to see her boyfriend and slept on the chair, head next to his, looking ridiculously uncomfortable and precariously postured in the name of love.
To jump tangents here, my ex has serious back issues, and I want him to get his back fixed. I know I shouldn't care about him as we've seperated, but it's in my blood, our blood has inter-mingled and created new life... (yum! melodrama!) I can't shake an intrinsic yearn to protect him, watch out for him, enable him to get to a place where he's happy...short of infidelity with crack whores... but again, i digress.
The reason this impacts me is there was an episode where he had a panic attack in the middle of a wedding and went to the emergency room. Instead of being a devoted spouse, an advocate, I felt he was being dramatic and it would cost us so much money for "observation" that I came in angry. I felt his hangover contributed, and he was in the wedding and walked away, so it dishonored the bride, etc.. To this day he torments me over it, he is so sensitive that he can't let it go. He feels that one moment reflected how I really felt for him, that money was more important.
SO...today... i spoke to people about getting back surgery when you don't have insurance, and this particular hospital has religious affiliations and never turns away people. They are also at the forefront of that sort of care, but I realized it would take a recovery period and absence from work. What happened? He got fired tonight after near 6 years... we always had a psychic connection... in a way that could never be explained with science... same subway train CAR in NYC at random moments out of chance, calling my voicemail and getting a busy signal because he was leaving a message at that very moment multiple times, he drove cross country from NJ to MI because he "felt" I was kissing a man and was right... a storm of crows gathered in the tree (at least 70) as I pulled in the driveway at dawn at he stood, glaring, on the porch.
I know, logically, he may not be my existential "bliss", but somehow I know I love him. I guess I'm asking, also on behalf of my friend startinganew, what place does that kind of love have? Initially it seeemed this support group encouraged reconciliation, and obviously no one here is a professional, but the trend is to deny the magic of that, in the name of self-preservation, but what about that little glimmer of magic, of love you cannot intellectualize or thera-pize away?
To jump tangents here, my ex has serious back issues, and I want him to get his back fixed. I know I shouldn't care about him as we've seperated, but it's in my blood, our blood has inter-mingled and created new life... (yum! melodrama!) I can't shake an intrinsic yearn to protect him, watch out for him, enable him to get to a place where he's happy...short of infidelity with crack whores... but again, i digress.
The reason this impacts me is there was an episode where he had a panic attack in the middle of a wedding and went to the emergency room. Instead of being a devoted spouse, an advocate, I felt he was being dramatic and it would cost us so much money for "observation" that I came in angry. I felt his hangover contributed, and he was in the wedding and walked away, so it dishonored the bride, etc.. To this day he torments me over it, he is so sensitive that he can't let it go. He feels that one moment reflected how I really felt for him, that money was more important.
SO...today... i spoke to people about getting back surgery when you don't have insurance, and this particular hospital has religious affiliations and never turns away people. They are also at the forefront of that sort of care, but I realized it would take a recovery period and absence from work. What happened? He got fired tonight after near 6 years... we always had a psychic connection... in a way that could never be explained with science... same subway train CAR in NYC at random moments out of chance, calling my voicemail and getting a busy signal because he was leaving a message at that very moment multiple times, he drove cross country from NJ to MI because he "felt" I was kissing a man and was right... a storm of crows gathered in the tree (at least 70) as I pulled in the driveway at dawn at he stood, glaring, on the porch.
I know, logically, he may not be my existential "bliss", but somehow I know I love him. I guess I'm asking, also on behalf of my friend startinganew, what place does that kind of love have? Initially it seeemed this support group encouraged reconciliation, and obviously no one here is a professional, but the trend is to deny the magic of that, in the name of self-preservation, but what about that little glimmer of magic, of love you cannot intellectualize or thera-pize away?
Every relationship, no matter how nastily it ends, has wonderful moments.
You can't fix or save your ex. You can't continue to want to take care of him or you will never heal. He is a big boy and made his decisions. Let yourself live your own life.
what is love and where does it come into play after we are legally divorced from someone? that is the million dollar question that every heart and mind has to come to grips with. personally, this is the sort of simple yet profound dilemma that only the deepest reflection can shed real light on. it is one of the most personal and individual things that anyone can mull over in their own heart and soul.
as for me, everyone that i have ever known is still carried at least a tiny bit in my heart. good, bad, or indifferent, it makes no difference. regardless of circumstance, i have walked this earth, in this time, in this place - with them, and that makes them special in at least a little way. i cannot hate. it goes against my natural grain. i cannot even be truly indifferent because that would be contrary to human nature. as for exes, i must wish them well because they carry a piece of me within them.
so, what is love? love is the positive interconnection of every living thing. we are connected through a shared experience here during our short time. whether we go the distance or not, we did walk at least a few miles of it, shared more than we can ever really understand, and have grown in profound and also very subtle ways as a result.
how should we express a healthy version of love of an ex now and still maintain our own sanity and health and freedom? we do it by honoring ourselves and our need for virtue. we do it by releasing them to be free to be themselves and to go run with wolves if that is their inclination. but, we must be true to our own health and heart and not beat a dead horse. we must learn to see that sleeping dogs need to be allowed to sleep. that we need not linger too long because our futures are waiting on us. life is waiting on us.
you share an extra deep connection with your ex. in a past life, your relationship may have been as brother and sister, i suspect. there are many mysteries in life and it sounds like you two are part of a very special one. i think that it is profound that you two met and had a relationship. i can't imagine how that has changed and enhanced you both.
Faithful,
beautifully put how I feel about it too.
thanks
..I also feel that I shared a deep bond with my ex....an incredible connection that neither I nor him will ever deny. He let me go because he was strong enough to realize that it would never be possible for us to be together without one of us making a major sacrifice (and then more than likely resenting the other forever). He was a practical thinker and Im a go for it now and think about the details later type. I could not admit what needed to be done nor did I want to face the reality of our situation. We were only together for two years...which is nothing compared to most on here...but there is something to be said for the quality of our relationship in those short two years .... I am not sure all people find that type of connection with another ...I never believed in love at first sight until I met my ex..and now I will never doubt it..and so I'm letting go of the angerIve let go of my ex....Im feeling the sadness (as I should).....and one day I will smile....because I know I have truly loved.
Thank you again for reminding me of this.and I hope you do whatever you feel is best in your situation.