Breakups & Divorce Support Group
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Had a conversation this past weekend with my STBX in which he finally gave me some reasons for ending our marriage of 20 years. All this time he refused to explain anything so my take was that he was having a mid-life crisis and just wanted out.
We first met at a campground that he had been going to since he was a baby. He had a permanent trailer there at the time and when we first got together we spent every weekend at the camp. It was fun. The camp was only 1 1/2 hours away from where he lived but 4 hours away from where we eventually settled. It became a real pain to go there so often - spend Thursday getting ready to go, run out the door on Friday, get up there after dark, spend Saturday and part of Sunday, get back late, unload the car, spend Monday and Tuesday getting organized and then start all over on Thursday.
So we sold the trailer to his brother and wife and their 2 kids and they would let us use it whenever they weren't there. To go up there when they were there was tough, crowded. Plus our kids (his children, my stepchildren) were in high school, summer school, jubs, etc. so we didn't get up there much. He would go up opening weekend. Once in a while over the years we would go up for a week but that was it.. It was just not worth it to me for what we had to go through to get there so I wanted to go there less and less.
Turns out he feels that I changed so much that he just couldn't live with me anymore. Felt that my not going to the camp took away a big part of his life, a real loss to him. He said that we just ended up in a rut, each of us liking different things and he got to a point where he didn't want to live like that anymore. It was better for him to be alone than not share everything with me.
So now I'm feeling awful. What if I had kept going to the stupid camp, made a better show of it? What if I had gone to stay at his friend's house for weekends even though I know the friend's wife didn't like me?
I know we got to where we did less and less together but I guess I just thought that was the way it was. That we had different interests but still loved each other enough to share our lives. I loved taking care of him and the little things that make up a shared life. I was so happy.
When I saw him he looked so thin and so sad. I feel awful. I think I caused this and it's too late to do anything about it. I no longer feel the same about him and can never go back. He never expressed to me how important all these things were to him. He says he did but I just didn't listen. I swear I didn't understand.
We first met at a campground that he had been going to since he was a baby. He had a permanent trailer there at the time and when we first got together we spent every weekend at the camp. It was fun. The camp was only 1 1/2 hours away from where he lived but 4 hours away from where we eventually settled. It became a real pain to go there so often - spend Thursday getting ready to go, run out the door on Friday, get up there after dark, spend Saturday and part of Sunday, get back late, unload the car, spend Monday and Tuesday getting organized and then start all over on Thursday.
So we sold the trailer to his brother and wife and their 2 kids and they would let us use it whenever they weren't there. To go up there when they were there was tough, crowded. Plus our kids (his children, my stepchildren) were in high school, summer school, jubs, etc. so we didn't get up there much. He would go up opening weekend. Once in a while over the years we would go up for a week but that was it.. It was just not worth it to me for what we had to go through to get there so I wanted to go there less and less.
Turns out he feels that I changed so much that he just couldn't live with me anymore. Felt that my not going to the camp took away a big part of his life, a real loss to him. He said that we just ended up in a rut, each of us liking different things and he got to a point where he didn't want to live like that anymore. It was better for him to be alone than not share everything with me.
So now I'm feeling awful. What if I had kept going to the stupid camp, made a better show of it? What if I had gone to stay at his friend's house for weekends even though I know the friend's wife didn't like me?
I know we got to where we did less and less together but I guess I just thought that was the way it was. That we had different interests but still loved each other enough to share our lives. I loved taking care of him and the little things that make up a shared life. I was so happy.
When I saw him he looked so thin and so sad. I feel awful. I think I caused this and it's too late to do anything about it. I no longer feel the same about him and can never go back. He never expressed to me how important all these things were to him. He says he did but I just didn't listen. I swear I didn't understand.
However, when he did a 180 and said he wanted to reconcile and go to counseling, he completely reversed what he had previously been saying. He now takes the blame upon himself for not communicating with me, for bottling things up and wanting to avoid confrontation. I wasn't crazy after all. I really couldn't have known how serious his feelings were because he deliberately hid them from me. While there are those who have posted that they felt they were shouting from the rooftops and still being ignored, that is not always the case. If your husband never came to you and told you how he felt, asked to go to counseling, or any other significant measure to address your problems, what could you have done?
I don't believe it's about going to a camp. Those are the same types of things my husband used to excuse walking out on me and our children. There are all kinds of ways you could have compromised on that. What about creating a new tradition for your family? Moving closer to the camp? Going less often, but for longer periods? Going somewhere closer to home? You get the idea. A marriage is not about always doing what the other person wants, it's about doing things for BOTH of you.
I understand how you're feeling, but I can now say from experience that it is probably about way more than what he is telling you. He is looking for excuses. Like me, it sounds like you would have been willing to do whatever you could had you been given the chance. You weren't. That is not your fault. Do not feel awful about how he is feeling. There are somethings only we can be responsible for addressing ourselves. We cannot be totally reliant upon someone else for our happiness. We have to create it for ourselves. He has issues that only he can deal with. That is NOT your fault. (((HUGS)))
I am sure that is not the case in every marriage, but it was in mine... there was not just one single incident.... there were many, until I was feeling like it did not matter at all what I wanted or needed from the relationship, if it did not hurt him, then it did not matter, so why bother anymore? It was just as painful to me to be constantly ignored in my wants and desires....
Things can erode, communication-wise, so imperceptibly that you never notice until it was too late.
Probably the case for me. I don't blame myself for her actions (she opened her own legs just fine without me), but I wish I could have been a better husband so she would stick around.
Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe it wouldn't have.
You know that you were married to an actual human being, not a comic book villain. That it wasn't all him. Realizing it wasn't all him makes you real, gives you power, and prepares you to face other relationships. And hurts like hell.
Realize it wasn't all you, either. Most of it was the space between.
He probably told you camp was important to him, but he said it calmly while things were busy, maybe he said it with enough passion but only when there was other passion in the air. What needed to be communicated was not information but depth of feeling.
Probably, the camp became a symbol to him of his old self, his real (in his eyes) self. And he probably never said that, because that sounds really weird. Not the kind of thing a real man says. Probably never really coherently realized it himself. So to you, you were talking about a weekend activity, to him you were talking about his inner being, who he is as a man. If you had known - but how could you?
Peace.