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Had a conversation this past weekend with my STBX in which he finally gave me some reasons for ending our marriage of 20 years. All this time he refused to explain anything so my take was that he was having a mid-life crisis and just wanted out.
We first met at a campground that he had been going to since he was a baby. He had a permanent trailer there at the time and when we first got together we spent every weekend at the camp. It was fun. The camp was only 1 1/2 hours away from where he lived but 4 hours away from where we eventually settled. It became a real pain to go there so often - spend Thursday getting ready to go, run out the door on Friday, get up there after dark, spend Saturday and part of Sunday, get back late, unload the car, spend Monday and Tuesday getting organized and then start all over on Thursday.
So we sold the trailer to his brother and wife and their 2 kids and they would let us use it whenever they weren't there. To go up there when they were there was tough, crowded. Plus our kids (his children, my stepchildren) were in high school, summer school, jubs, etc. so we didn't get up there much. He would go up opening weekend. Once in a while over the years we would go up for a week but that was it.. It was just not worth it to me for what we had to go through to get there so I wanted to go there less and less.
Turns out he feels that I changed so much that he just couldn't live with me anymore. Felt that my not going to the camp took away a big part of his life, a real loss to him. He said that we just ended up in a rut, each of us liking different things and he got to a point where he didn't want to live like that anymore. It was better for him to be alone than not share everything with me.
So now I'm feeling awful. What if I had kept going to the stupid camp, made a better show of it? What if I had gone to stay at his friend's house for weekends even though I know the friend's wife didn't like me?
I know we got to where we did less and less together but I guess I just thought that was the way it was. That we had different interests but still loved each other enough to share our lives. I loved taking care of him and the little things that make up a shared life. I was so happy.
When I saw him he looked so thin and so sad. I feel awful. I think I caused this and it's too late to do anything about it. I no longer feel the same about him and can never go back. He never expressed to me how important all these things were to him. He says he did but I just didn't listen. I swear I didn't understand.
We first met at a campground that he had been going to since he was a baby. He had a permanent trailer there at the time and when we first got together we spent every weekend at the camp. It was fun. The camp was only 1 1/2 hours away from where he lived but 4 hours away from where we eventually settled. It became a real pain to go there so often - spend Thursday getting ready to go, run out the door on Friday, get up there after dark, spend Saturday and part of Sunday, get back late, unload the car, spend Monday and Tuesday getting organized and then start all over on Thursday.
So we sold the trailer to his brother and wife and their 2 kids and they would let us use it whenever they weren't there. To go up there when they were there was tough, crowded. Plus our kids (his children, my stepchildren) were in high school, summer school, jubs, etc. so we didn't get up there much. He would go up opening weekend. Once in a while over the years we would go up for a week but that was it.. It was just not worth it to me for what we had to go through to get there so I wanted to go there less and less.
Turns out he feels that I changed so much that he just couldn't live with me anymore. Felt that my not going to the camp took away a big part of his life, a real loss to him. He said that we just ended up in a rut, each of us liking different things and he got to a point where he didn't want to live like that anymore. It was better for him to be alone than not share everything with me.
So now I'm feeling awful. What if I had kept going to the stupid camp, made a better show of it? What if I had gone to stay at his friend's house for weekends even though I know the friend's wife didn't like me?
I know we got to where we did less and less together but I guess I just thought that was the way it was. That we had different interests but still loved each other enough to share our lives. I loved taking care of him and the little things that make up a shared life. I was so happy.
When I saw him he looked so thin and so sad. I feel awful. I think I caused this and it's too late to do anything about it. I no longer feel the same about him and can never go back. He never expressed to me how important all these things were to him. He says he did but I just didn't listen. I swear I didn't understand.
If he really loved you he would have done everything in his power to keep you by his side. IMHO. I commend you for your empathic nature. You seem very compassionate toward him (him being thin and sad), but you have to ask yourself what you want and then move on.
I wouldn't accept that degree of responsibility for the failure of marriage and I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't speak up and then blame me for their lack of communication. I would rather be with someone who is more in touch with themself and willing to communicate their needs for the sake of the relationship.
Life is waiting.
If you think about it, you said a lot of things that he heard,,, but he didn't understand.
I'm reading a book titled, strangely,
"You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation"
by Deborah Tannen
It has been a real eye opener so far, I highly recommend it.
This could be a case of him saying he wanted mustard and you thinking that he will settle for mayo because giving him mustard requires driving to the store. [metaphors from another thread]
Perhaps he didn't express how much the trailer meant to him in term you could understand.
I gave up a lot of things when I married because the things she said she wanted from me required time and effort on my part and I had to choose how to allocate my resources.
Now she says I made the wrong choices. She didn't want to stop those other things. She just wanted more.
I am not too sure that your ex wasn't a little lean on expressing about his needs. I feel you would have compromised and worked on issues if give the chance. He threw in the towel because it was easier than expressing himself, in my opinion. My husband did the same.
It isn't fair when the only clarity you get is after it is over. I have told my spouse that if he won't outline issues with me while the marriage can still be saved through mutual work and commitment to consider me disinterested in a postmortem, now or ever.
Mine was a passive aggressive liar cheat and thief, characteristics developed late in life or paranormally well hidden and in covert existence all along.. I don't know which. The presence of a knife in my back is unmistakable however. Your milage may vary on those points, and I am genuinely sorry for your pain. I am not certain that much blame is really at your door, and I would not disregard a midlife crisis as the real root cause.
Me and my wife fell in to the same thing. We both had different interests, like different things and did not enjoy the others interests much.
We also both lacked the proper communication to relate things to each other so one day it was a huge problem that we were past fixing.
But now my life has been re settled and I do things I enjoy with people I enjoy and me and my ex are much happier.
Do not let this fall all on your shoulders. While you may have different likes and dislikes compared to him now, he could have very well talked more clearly about what was important to him like this cabin. Heal and move forward, make amends for your mistakes but know that a marriage is two people and he has his own responsibility.
Best of luck to you.
They don't want to take responsibility and it's so easy to place blame. Please don't fall for this. He walked out without talking to you. You didn't do that, he did!
So how much did he accomidate you in ways that would make the trip less of an effort you? Such as doing most of the packing/unpacking. Such as doing those things In Addition to getting his share of the household chores done. How about doing things that you want to do on most Other weekends?
It's easy to agree to such things, but it's also easy for them to wear you out really fast. I wonder if he accomidated the two of you Not going, because that was easier than the changes he'd have had to make to make Going better for you?
I Don't know though. I wasn't there, I really have no clue. He was though, and it was his Responsibility to communicate with you.
Sounds like your description of the camp is only a sign of the larger problem. I am a firm believer that we sometimes make fatal mistakes when we pick a mate because we are only seeing what we want to see. It is better to begin the search process again, however painful, than to remain with wrong mate.
The good news is that you (and the rest of us who have been through this) can learn from these issues and not let them happen again. Imagine how successful a relationship can be, knowing what you've learned. You have the ability to find and nurture that rare kind of love most of us only dream about. Best of luck finding it.
It gets really frustrating to KEEP saying the same things over and over again and getting no action on it. Sometimes, it goes so far that the only recourse you feel like you have is to leave.
I am sorry that this happened to you, but I am glad that you are listening to him now and like someone else stated, it will help you to understand how important it is to really listen when your partner talks....
As to doing less and less together it was his choice too. I feel for you but he is playing on you. It is NOT your FAULT.