For me I have turned to counseling. In counseling I have been told to start with focusing on areas for myself. Is there things I can control about me that allows me to work through reservations. I was also encouraged to find a hobby that I can use to fill time and just clear my head. For me I have always been big on photography so I plan I getting out on different adventures with music or a book and just loose myself in something for myself. Because I am the only thing I can control in the situation. I feel exactly the same way... "any times when I miss him so much I feel like I am going crazy. There is a tight knot in my chest. The memories, the good ones keep flooding and I so wish I could take him out from my mind and just hug him. How do you get to the point when you say, "it's over, I should let go"?" I was forced to sign the divorce paperwork about a little over a week ago. It still doesn't feel real. I am sure it won't for me until the judge says it is and that is still hard to fathom, and just walk away.

Hello to you!

LoveFaith, in what areas are you already doing well? It is essential that you start a useful list of options: On one side, list the ways in which you each need to improve; on the other side, list what's areas in which you both are doing very well. And this is only the start of a very useful plan.

Because the process, to becoming a stronger and happier couple, is ever an ongoing one, daily, with many other factors to consider; however noticeable changes will soon come as you begin with a fresh, new useful plan. I suggest beginning your lifestyle improvements with a few of these guidelines, as a starter plan: *Make time for each other, *Improve communication, *State your values in a compromising and responsible way. I declare to you that you've taken a smart choice to seek for other ideas in this matter. Very wise! And I hope that all struggles turn to peace and harmony.

Now, reuse this warning when you must: it is so very important that you begin now by clearing those troubling thoughts - as best you can. Start today by rebuking those forceful thoughts away or completely ignore them by finding a calming distraction. Hurtful memories will only set you back from progress and to the wayside goes the improvements, and especially get away from the pressuring thought of divorcement, which, of course, as you still love your husband, terminating with him will never really be an honest option for you. Love is both powerful and demanding. Fight, unless he is the one pushing you away by saying that he no longer loves you; then the fight is useless, go, and do be certain to give him your best wishes for a happy life.

You see, what is to your advantage now is that the feelings you share are still very active and strong, which is why you argue. Sort of like sweating on a very hot day too, very uncomfortable and you need to seek for the comfort of shade. And it is the love that's pulling your thoughts back to love him; you desire to work it out, naturally so. The love is keeping you still. Yet it is also the entertaining of useless words that's troubling you; it should be stopped. And be of comfort, for we all say cruel things at diverse times, meaningless, and later we crave to take back harmful words we say.

Thankfully, the heart is always where your common sense is securely placed and until it determines you to let go of your softer side, then you can't logically move forward; for you will always be confused in deep thoughts, as to how you could have survived this matter. Because strong feelings are strict and lingering thoughts are never easy to brush aside, they linger. And as should when you are behaving too proudly to give in for the better of both of you. Remember this, compassion is the precept of love and marriage. Yes, it is a type of secret law which covers all marriages. Think of it this way: You begin marriage with love and, unless there is inexcusable abuse, you just have to push all else aside during difficulties and try hard to proclaim an honor to your vows by seeking for respectful conditions, and this conditioning involves learning a new approach to form a peaceful living arrangement, with understanding, with forgiving and in searching together you will hopefully find many other trusting values and standards, in which you each are faithfully committed to live by.

Share, on this day, some special thinking time in which to ponder out a good saving plan of action; set-up some new ground rules as a couple. And do forgive yourselves during the lapse, where time when it is the physical part of your actions and behaviors that returns to fighting, yet be saved by sharing in the stillness of your love; it is there to control distracting disagreements, which, sadly, will naturally come at times, but not out of necessity to you; for you will choose to argue more than it is easy to engage in those expressions of loving kindness. Yet, afterwards, come quickly back to your senses, by using your practical side. Add a toolbox, place in it the common sense of both your mind and the heart of your love to save you. You just have to be guided by the wisdom of your true feeling, and not the foolishness of so many harsh and useless words and damaging behaviors. Survive!

Sending my best comfort to you,

Remiah

I am sorry you're going through an extremely difficult time. It really takes time to gain clarity however in your quiet moments, when you're not overcome my sadness, fear, guilt or anxiety, when you feel your calmest, what does your gut tell you? I loved my boyfriend, still do, but we had problems. Maybe minor in some people's opinions but I looked back and though about how unhappy I've been for almost a year (7 months of trying to work it out and 4 months post breakup) and I realized it's been almost a year of not only being unhappy, living with tremendous emotional mood swings, high anxiety and sadness. I am choosing to be happy.

In my quiet moment I know we shouldn't be together now for various reasons and we can't make each other happy so I am choosing happiness for myself and the only way to do that is to move one.

Now that is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Like soul crushing, panic attacks sparking, tear drenched kind of hard. But we split, he moved out and working on working through my feelings and trying to "get over him." I know I will always love him but I deserve more. He deserves more. YOU deserve more. It's one of the hardest paths to walk down, but in the end hopefully will be the best thing for you. If you are truely meant to find your way back you will. If not, you've moved on and hopefully found yourself again and able to be happy.

Best of luck on your journey. You are not alone!

What lead me to acceptance?

What lead me to acceptance? Realizing he wasn't going to change. He wasn't going to stop cheating, no matter how much he tried to convince me he would stop. Most people realize this after the 2nd time of being caught. It took me 4 discovery days. It's how I earned my royal status. I'm Queen of Denial.

Most people don't really change. Past behavior is the BEST predictor of future behavior. When I first heard that saying, I thought, "Well they don't know my ex!" Oh, they knew him alright. I was the one who didn't know him. If you're waiting around hoping he will change, it's time to move on with your life.

I am in the same position as you. I filed for divorce, but I had hopes that it would motivate both of us to fight for everything we have had. I tried for months with nothing but rejection from her. I finally threw in the towel after our Court day last week.

That said I will always love her. She is the mother of my children. While I have these thoughts of fixing things, the reality is that nothing will change. The problems we have, if we get back together will be the problems again.

Time apart is the only thing that helps to break that connection. And better yet is removing all reminders of them. I am stuck, I keep pictures of us, our wedding day, etc around for the kids. I have to show them that I still respect her, and that she is a good person so they know they are loved and respected (since they are a part of us both).

Accepting that the person is who they are and it wont change is a big one. It is a big hard pill to swallow. One that hurts dearly.

Good luck.

Oh God I don't know why the signs are clear as water but we love them so much we refuse to see them.
Im barely on day 3 and he doesn't even call and Im here like an idiot missing him ... so annoying.

If he really cares and hasn't hit you then he should be man enough to face you and talk about it. Be careful I wish you peace and good health and remember. If it. Doesn't work out all hurt will pass in time.

i spent what felt like a lifetime since my wife announced her need for freedom only to kick myself for knowing what i know now, only wishing a new in months and years before. sadly all too often partners need to reach a point of emotional bottom before standing tall. I've journaled just a few of my findings and may post more

You are at the beginning and you are trying to
Get to the end stage. It does not work that way
with Grief or with divorce. Acceptance is the final
stage Of grief.

I believe the healing does not really begin until
After the divorce is over. Usually its an emotional
And financial battleground until then. Then it is
Finally legally Over and no reconciliation is possible.

I hope you are in www.divorcecare.org and therapy
To help you move thru this. Many of us here know what
Limbo feels like. It soul sucking and your gut knows what
Your heart does not want to hear or accept. That war Takes
a long time when you truly loved them. My head and My
gut knew the truth and the whys. My heart needed to catch
Up and To heal. That takes time and hopefully no contact
Or limited no contact with him. HUGS

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I feel like I'm in the same boat. We've only been separated a few weeks, I was very adamant about no contact. I broke down though last week. The pain was just becoming too intense. Our 26th wedding anniversary was on Thursday. While I wanted to ignore it, I just couldn't. So I called him. I asked him to go to lunch with me for our anniversary and we did. It was sad. We cried. We both know that as painful as it is this is the right decision for now. I asked him if we could take this mandatory year of separation to become friends again. To go to dinner once in awhile. Maybe a movie. Then in a year see where we are. If we know it's the right thing then we just file the paperwork. If we want to work on things then we've created a fresh start. I told him to think about it and not make a quick decisions. While I don't really think this will happen I'm trying to tell myself to get on with my life--start new things, meet new people. If it's going to happen it will happen. In the meantime, I hope to find a better place for myself. Move on, I guess. I have this need to know what path I'm on--to have it all mapped out. I'm trying to let go this time.

Thank you for sharing. I too have struggled to let go and now 5 years post I am still not detached. Yes he left me yes there is a GF and yes we have two girls together.. so it is complicated. Having experienced many messy divorces around us including my sisters that ended in my ex brother-in-law committing suicide so I have worked extra hard to keep up a very civil happy divorce keeping the girls at the center. The problem is I never emotionally detached I have never grieved and I have never raged all important steps as I am finding out now.. not detaching not fully accepting not letting go . I am working hard in therapy and in alanon groups to give up control and trust that I don't need to hold on anymore. I still cry most days. Not as long not as hard. But still mourn the loss try not to beat myself up and try to love myself more. It isn't easy.. all the comments help and give strength. Thank you for sharing and listening

yes counseling key. I have also been journaling a great deal. And devouring so many books to help me try to heal and repair my broken heart. Two books that I have found amazingly helpful - The Breakup Bible for Women and The Five Love Languages.
For every sad/negative thought you are feeling - write it down. . . then write down a positive affirmation / feeling. .. it will retrain your thought process. Praying for you and good luck! :-)