We are newly separated - haven't even told the kids yet (hubby works out of town and is just coming home less often)and I'm already wrestling with this.

Is the guilt justified? Which is worse for the kids: divorce or teaching them that a loveless marriage is "normal"?

Take some co-parenting classes. They have some good answers in there.

Basically, children of divorce are no worse off than other children as long as the parents are both supportive and active in their lives. It's the cooperation and communication between the divorced parents that helps to nurture the children's stability and security.

It can be done but it can also be difficult. How to get two people that divorced to agree and get along?

The classes can help.

Yea, I absolutely hate what the children are going through and that they will not have either parent full time.

I try to stay consistant. Meaning the way I parent is the same before and after. But I will tell you there are more I love you's and hugs!

Just love them and hopefully they will see the fruits!

Parents ALWAYS carry some kind of guilt. If it makes you feel any better my son said his childhood was ruined because he had to hear his dad yell at me all the time and I just stayed and took it. He ran away when he was 16 years old once for a coule of months saying he couldn't stand t hear his dad yell at me one more time. So, sometimes you're damned if you do & damned if you don't.
But truly friend guilt is one of the most useless emotions there is. Never helps anyone ..no one at all & never changes a thing. All it does it weigh you down & slow down your living for TODAY.

Down you did not leave a lot of info about your situation but if your stbx (soon to be ex) is the one that has filed, I am not sure why you feel guilt. You can't make some one stay and you can't make them love you. The best thing you can do is be the best parent you possibly can be for your kids. When my stbx left the first time my kids thought it was great because they had a new apartment, new furniture and toys that the stbx got for them. Plus stbx was trying to win them over and spoiled them rotten. You have to be the adult in this situation and take things as they come. You will get through this, kids as will your kids and you will all be fine.

I don't feel guilty when I think of the children I just feel sad. Mind you I try and put on a smilin face and give them as much of myself as I can. They are my life.
Good Luck

I was told that one of the most important things you can teach your children is resilience. Although going through a divorce is difficult, if the parents handle it properly it does not have to be permanently damaging and can be a good life lesson for dealing with hardship. This will not be the only difficult time your children face and if they see a good example for how to deal with difficult issues they will be much better able to handle the difficulties they will experience in the future. I think the key is guiding them through their emotions and helping them deal with it in a constructive manner. If you are concerned that you cannot guide them through this properly, then get some help from a counselor. Good luck! It is great to see so many concerned parents.

ex and I have been divorced almost a year. We lived together throughout the whole process--not fun but we managed to stay civil for the most part. Our schedules worked so that we really weren't around each other alot. We didn't tell the kids until 2 weeks before we moved out. Not sure if it was the right thing to do considering it lasted about a year BUT I wanted to have answers to their questions such as where will we live and when will we see Daddy? We only moved 5 blocks away but the guilt was still there. I'm still not over it-the guilt of what I've done to the kids-and not sure if I ever will be. I know that in the long run the kids will be better BUT I do wonder how it will affect them down the road. There is no easy way in this. It downright sucks. My kids are 9 and 5 and seemed to have adapted pretty well this first year. Kids deserve happy parents--even if that means being apart. I hate the fact that they have experienced this but I was not willing to have them grow up with an unhappy mommy. I am much happier now and people around me have taken notice. It wasn't easy and even though I know it was the right thing to do, I still hurt for my kids and hope that one day, they will understand. Try and keep the lines of communication open. Hang in there--you will get through this.

Blah - I don't think Guilt is useless as an emotion. For some it can be this guilt that can change their lives and help them strive to do better. Without guilt, some people continue to make the same mistakes over and over with no care that they may be hurting people

good points lovesucks. I will think on what you have said a while & get back to you.

Children are truly the victims. I think Brian gave you some good feed back. Take some co-parenting classes. Your children are a priority and shouldn't have to suffer for things that didn't work out between you and your spouse.

Not to say you can protect from all hurts.... you can't but if you both let them know that you love them very much and the divorce has nothing to do with them. See them often and get involved in what they are interested in.

I wish I had known this when I was raising my children. My children were very hurt by my previous divorce.

Alexandria

My parents didn't divorce until I was grown and had moved out. I wished they had done it sooner, because my most vivid memories from childhood are of them yelling and screaming at each other and slamming doors.

Divorce is not always the worst thing that can happen, as far as kids are concerned.

You have a good point Janell.

There was little in the way of outright conflict in the home, but the children knew something was awry.

Co-parenting classes are all well and good, but I haven't worked through the anger and sadness related to the X yet and there's no end in sight. When the divorce is over maybe.

Right now we barely communicate, it is only about the children and their activities and usually laden with some kind of barb.

I agree with Janell...I didn't feel guilty about filing for divorce, only about staying in the marriage for so long and subjecting the children to witnessing the verbal/physical/substance abuse and. I know I did the best thing for my children by removing their dad from the home and filing for divorce.