I can't say the years were wasted. We shared some of the most beautiful moments intertwined in one anothers hearts. It was the most passion and connection I have ever shared with another person. Of course, once all that sappiness ended there was a wasted year or so that could have been much spent much more wisely. I know you wanted the marriage to work out but you know, you can/will be amazingly happy again, wether on your own or with another.

I was in a relationship for 6 years, and yes, i do feel like they were wasted and it makes me angry. I wonder what could have been different in my life, where i might be, who i might be. Would i be with someone else? My life would be completely different if i hadn't stayed with him for so long.

I also feel I waisted 23 years of my life. Im in my forth month of remission with this illness I have and then he dumps me for the second time. Thats low. I have to live in the same house as him for the next 3 or 4 months...its hard. He's putting our children through this again. A part of me hates him and I wonder what I saw in him. I really cant say that I have felt much joy in the last 10 years..how sad is that! I actually have sad lines on my face. Why did I stay in it for so long? Why didnt I have enough self respect and not let him talk me into getting back together with him the last time. Why? There are so many Why's !!!

I agree with Chaancey more than anyone. kdMac is onto a great exercise to prevent discounting the good stuff out of existence
Anyone who isn't needs to start counting the kids when you think about those years as wasted or not. If you got beautiful children like mine - all 19 years were worthwhile. Never discount the children. but for a second - set them aside. - You had good times. you know you did. you enjoyed each other at least part of the time.

Back to kdMac - how interesting that you see the children as his gift to you but don't see that they are just as much your gift to him. Even more so because men can't have kids! Many men here have said "my kids are the only good thing to come out of this marriage." Uh- guys? When I was in the OR the kids came out of my wife and she was never more beautiful before or after than she was on that table having her 3rd and 4th C-sections.

Just a thought.

Deramo

Well, I do understand what you are saying, but that way of thinking doesn't really help.

What matters is what you do with today. Try to think that every life experience shapes you into the person you are now.

The positive is that you have two daughters who you will continue to have a relationship with. They will need a positive male in their lives.

I have said exactly the same thing, Rman, and last time wasn't that very long ago -- I, too,wasted 10 years. yes, there's other ways to look at it, but I have definitely felt and said those very same words.

nothing is wasted, or all of it is

if you weren't doing what you were doing, you may have just spent your time wishing you had something

yeah, it would be nice to be in this position much younger, but I don't know how it woulda been had we split up sooner

you can never know

your choice to think it how you wish

I was blessed to have my son, he was the only one I was able to have, but I wasted 20 years of my life on that man, starting when I was 14.

Wow, I have the same feeling about my X, I did not marry him, but we were together for 5 years, I feel they were wasted, but i keep telling myself the only thing i can do is not waste any more time! GEt over his loser uncaring ass and make my own life, enjoy my kid, live each day the best way i can, we are not getting younger, it does suck to have to start over, but we dont really have the choice, if one person cares and the other doesnt it is a waste of time. Try to keep your mind busy, it helps me, watch a movie, read a book, excercise if you feel anxious, excercise helps me the most, it help me relax later, if i'm not physically tired i can not sleep well, especially alone now. So i work hard all day, keep moving, and by the end of the evening i'm ready to pass out no matter what. Keeping busy is the key i really think so.

unless you were coerced and held prisoner, you are the sum total of YOUR choices

anne didn't hold a gun to your head

maybe this topic should be

What a waste of Tears

No, I guess it wasn't a waste. I have three awesome children that are now the light of my life.

It wasn't a waste of time. We had many wonderful years together. We travelled around Australia in a big bus twice. Our wedding was the best day. We had our son together, and he was great in that room with me, both of us crying. We had a good family life. We did so many things together I never would have experienced most of those things if we weren't together..It's hard to see it that way sometimes, but no, definately not wasted years. They were the best years of my life.

I agree somewhat here. You spend all that time preparing your life as a family. When my ex decided she wanted out, we had to tear everything apart. Retirement accounts gone. Life insurance plans gone. It does make you mad. The only thing we can do is to prepare life as it is now. For me, it's a life with just my son and I. I have dedicated my time and energy to prepare both of us for the life ahead.

I cannot agree that, based on the ultimate outcome of divorce, all our time in a marriage was wasted. Outcomes are never guaranteed to us, and if you measure your efforts by outcomes, which are beyond your individual control, then you fail to honor your process. If you behaved honorably, and loved well, and tried to do the right things in your marriage, how can you count that as time wasted?