Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello,
I am 49 and was recently blown off by a really nice (or so I thought) gentleman, 52, who I met in an airport last month. He texted me the whole time I was on my cruise, and we talked on the phone regularly until our first date.
I told him from the very beginning that I was going through a nasty divorce and wasn't sure I wanted to date him. That I had some very bad experiences thus far with men and he suggested we start as friends and see where it goes, so I agreed.
One thing I did notice about him is that he is not very reliable all the time. He travels a lot for his job, and sometimes he would say he would call and he wouldn't. Same with texts. He would say he would text after a business dinner and then he wouldn't at times. It started to concern me a bit.
Now, admittedly, although he initially said he wanted to start as friends, as he said he knew I was going through my divorce, he came on very strong on our first date. He asked to kiss me pretty quickly that night. At dinner, he introduced me to the waitress as his "future wife." He was so charming and mentioned meeting his family, we talked of our kids, and he mentioned becoming exclusive by the end of our whirlwind weekend. We had a great first date dinner and met my friends out afterwards who loved him. Things heated up quickly, and although he offered to take me home that night, I opted to stay over, although we only fooled around and did not actually have intercourse. We did much of the same the next night, and again, things were progressing, and I felt quite comfortable with him. We went grocery shopping together, he cooked dinner ,etc. He acted as though he had met his match, and I was smitten. I swore I thought I was different in his eyes and didn't feel like we were rushing things. It all felt so natural, and at my age, I feel like sometimes it's ok to move quickly when things feel right.
As I"m going through a difficult time, which I shared with him from the getgo, (he's been divorced many years and said he understood and would be there for me.) I shared some personal things with him that weekend. He did as well. As I"m having a bit of anxiety with my divorce, after we talked about my situation at length, I started feeling a little nervous, (he admitted he couldn't believe what my husband had done to me and seemed very concerned) and I made the bad decision of taking a half of a xanax (.25) in front of him. (I do not take it regularly but I have it for when my anxiety is bad. I maybe take it once every couple of weeks if I"m having a really bad day, so by no means am I addicted to it nor have I ever been.) I was also so tired from not sleeping for 2 nights much and the small dose of xanax that I told him I needed to lie down for a bit. He acted a bit strangely but was still very polite and gracious.
After I left an hour later or so, he stopped calling and texting regularly. He started becoming more distant. Wasn't answering texts frequently, etc. I tried to reach out a couple of times but he kept blowing me off in one way or another.
Also, at the risk of sounding sounding conceited, (and I don't mean to) :) I am considered to be a very attractive and highly energetic, fun and entertaining person. I have lots of friends and am generally the life of the party...so, it's not like I"m someone who would normally get dumped, I suppose. Honestly, I have 35 year olds wanting to date me, and I"ve never had a problem meeting men since I"ve been separated. Quite the contrary.
That being said, his Father is dying of lung cancer. He has a few months left to live, and he does travel a lot, so I figured I should be patient. Maybe he's just needing some space?
I finally texted him a couple weeks later and asked him what had happened in his mind. He was very polite and said he absolutely loved our weekend, that I had done nothing wrong, he loved our time spent together, but that he knew I was going through a lot, that we were at different stages in our lives, and that the xanax had surprised him. He ended saying he would love to catch up at some point if I were still interested. It sounded to me still like he was sugar coating and blowing me off nicely.
My friends have all told me I blew it, and I"m just left feeling sad and confused. I know I should have been harder to get. I know I shouldn't have taken a xanax in his presence..I get it. But, I did it. I really liked him and felt so comfortable very soon. I can't go back and change what I did.
Any advice or thoughts? I can't seem to move past this.
Just because a hook-up didn't work out, the guy is a judgemental narcissistic sociopath muther-fucker??? Talk about being judgemental! How about he just wasn't all that into the OP? Do men no longer have the right to determine for themselves whether or not to pursue a relationship?
Gee, and then some of y'all wonder why your relationship didn't work out and you are now single.
For now all you can do is take him at his word and, if you are unable to do that then not having him in your life is a good thing, correction, a great thing.
Yes, socipath, he love bombed her probably to get in her panties. Who says meet my future wife, how about ask her favorite color, how many siblings she has? Also, you don't know why anyone is single. I dump my bf for reasons that are none of your business. I saw you making negative comments on other post here. Why are you here?
I participate in this forum to provide a different perspective on situations and topics that are discussed here in hopes that my "arguments" may provide a different way of thinking about things and to inspire some deeper personal reflection and awareness.
"We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't." Frank A. Clark
Too many people a given a hug and a pat on the bottom only to find themselves in the same predicament time and time again. I offer a different perspective in hopes of breaking the chain.
If you want to be a counselor then go ahead and do so but people need comfort and real talk sometimes, not to be reprimanded as if to be reprimanded by a significant other or parent.
You're more vulnerable than usual with an upcoming divorce, and perhaps said too much about your ex and divorce. It's perfectly normal to do this when we meet someone we connect with in an attempt to bond and explain our situation and emotional state of mind. That being said, telling a new acquaintance about the bad things an ex did to us, can be misconstrued or perceived in a way that you didn't intend.
My rule of thumb is to avoid talking about exes, at all cost, no matter what they've done, upon meeting a new romantic acquaintance. He saw a beautiful woman who is still conflicted over what her ex did to her, and needs to take Xanax to deal with her emotional state and upcoming divorce. This is not where he is, he's in a different place. He's losing his father, and losing a parent to illness forces us to think about our own mortality and future; recalculating our needs and wants from a partner, if we are going to take one on. I think he was being completely truthful with you when he said you're both at different stages of your life.
I think dating men is a great idea and good practice. But I think you need to grow beyond where you are now, with your impending divorce, and disdain for your ex. If you feel resentment or anger towards your ex, and have unresolved issues, seek the help of a therapist to fast-track it out of your system, so you can get back into the game and enjoy your life without baggage.
Wishing you well.