Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
It occurs to me when I read these posts how important it is to be validated by our exes. The world has millions and billion(s)(?) of people, yet our egos fixate on this one indifferent person to give us confidence. I often ask myself how much of my being dumped after 13 years and 2 kids is about my ego or my heart. I care about him, but deep down know there are other people out there healthier for me to be with, yet his validation, his expression of desire and devotion, is so fu&^ing important to me.
I guess I'm trying to put it in perspective, that it's kinda ridiculous on one scale to think that one person is able to make or break us. I know it's a reality, I'm just trying to understand why it works that way.
I guess I'm trying to put it in perspective, that it's kinda ridiculous on one scale to think that one person is able to make or break us. I know it's a reality, I'm just trying to understand why it works that way.
Just trust your head over your heart. Everything you said is true. It may not be what you're feeling, but your brain knows better than your emotions right now.
there may be 6 billion people on this earth, but we are not vulnerable to all of them. i don't know about other people, but when it comes to myself, very few people actually know me inside and out.
there are only a few people out of that 6 billion who know my secrets, my personality, my quirks, my abilities, and a lot of aspects of me.
even people i associate with, they have an idea of who i am, they know things about me, but not like my family, close friends, and some exes do.
and vice versa. i know very few people inside and out.
anyone who has shared himself/herself with another person, lets their guard down, and becomes extremely vulnerable.
love is one of those 50-50 kinda things. if you get yourself go, you will either let your guard down and be loved unconditionally, or let your guard down and get hurt so deeply, it shakes you to your core. and sometimes both happens.
that one person out of 6 billion, has more impact on you as a whole (your ego included), than those 6 billion people do combined.
it's just the way it is. but the thing to remember is that somewhere in there, you have control. find that control and use it to your advantage.. let the amount of control become larger and larger and let it be recognized more and more by you.
i have my moments, but every day i realize that i am in control of my life, and even if it's just for a minute, it really really helps.
(it's just the way it is. but the thing to remember is that somewhere in there, you have control. find that control and use it to your advantage.. let the amount of control become larger and larger and let it be recognized more and more by you.)
I really can relate to what you said.
i understand why it's so hard for you though - you have 13 years and 2 kids with this person and "deeply hurt" is an UNDERSTATEMENT. your core is shattered. i understand because i only had dated someone for two years, no kids, and i struggled with this very much too. so i could only imagine being married to him for over a decade, and having kids.
my friends tell me all the time to focus on myself - way easier said than done, but when i'm able to do it, that's when i feel like i have control. i'm a nursing student. i know it sounds weird but when i'm doing my homework and typing up care-plans i feel great because i'm putting time and energy into something that i'm doing for me. same with work (i'm a nursing assistant at a hospital).. when i'm helping my patients in and out of bed, and they tell me how sweet i am and that i'll be a great nurse, it makes me feel so good and i hold onto that feeling for as long as i can.
there are plenty of things that you can do to keep your focus on you even if it's just for a minute a day. all those minutes add up and this because easier with time.. it starts to feel more natural.. so the feeling of having control comes more often and more naturally.
trust me, i think about my ex everyday, and i still love him and the sad thing is my friends, family, and i can still see us being together again (which makes it harder in a way). but somehow i found the strength to focus on me, despite my feelings for him which have only become stronger.
you cant control your feelings. that is one thing i learned. i have been broken up with my ex since April and not an ounce of my love or respect for him has gone away.. my admiration and love for him has only become stronger. i cant help it. just the way it is. but i have control of how i handle it. and its so much easier to handle when i feel that i have control over my life. when i let myself be validated by things that have nothing to do with him.
fine the things you love about yourself and your own life and try to focus on those. little by little it will get better i promise.
(hugs)
I no longer seek the validation of my stbx as I realize he has some major issues. Why would I want validation from a very messed up person?