I handled most of all the end changes after the
Decree. If there was something he needed To
sign i left it out for him to sign. It took me 1-1/2
Months to move and find a decent apartment.

After i moved We only sent stuff thru the mail for
A while. I have gone total no contact and have
Moved 13 miles away. That was done for me
And my own healing.

You are in a hard place yours was quick, we had
Already split the photos. We both had lawyers And
decisions had been made, it had Taken 10 months
and i was at the house until The decree, HUGS

I totally understand this black hole you are dealing with. I tend to be a closed in person to the people around me so they rarely see my true emotions. Yesterday and today were very tough for me emotionally because although I was busy with my daily activities, I was in my head all day. I have no intention of rekindling things with my soon to be ex (we get along well despite the circumstances) but I am still overly emotional because I found out he started dating someone. It hurts knowing you give someone your heart for 17 years and then they so easily dismiss you and give it to someone else. And I want to be mad at him for so many things but I just can't because deep down he is a good person and he's a good dad to our kids. Not to mention I don't like holding grudges if at all possible. Everyday I just try to focus on the path in front of me and continue to raise my kids the best way I can. But it still hurts feeling dismissed and alone. That's a big reason I finally broke down and joined DS. I need to release all these emotions with people going through the same thing. I understand your struggle and I feel your pain. Sending lots of love your way.

Ugh I remember those days in the early days of the break after she left ...craving a response to some nonsense text...it sucks. It's part of the process though. Now I'm over 2 years No Contact and much better. It took a long time to finally realize any contact was just keeping the pain train alive. Eventually you learn you have to cut all ties to heal and get on with life.

Thank you all for your posts, insights and supports. I truly appreciate it. Everyday is a struggle and I can hope that I get through the day without any contact. Please keep praying for me as I try to keep digging myself from this black hole.

@ChelseaLeigh Today, she didn't contact me and I didn't contact her. I tried distracting myself, so I won't get tempted. It's hard and I keep thinking about my ex-wife the whole day. It's 3:30PM my time and I'm still winning. I hope I can continue doing this as I really want to start feeling better and hopefully move an inch away from my black hole. How are you doing?

My ex fiance broke our engagement one week before our marriage. Book a flight and send me back to my home town after I gave up everything to be wih him , my home and job, without any proper explanation ask to why he end the relationship. Just said I hurt him intentionally , how I don't know. He block on social media. My only contact with him is thru email and he don't respond. For the past three weeks I have emailed him because I couldn't stop myself. Hoping this month I can find strenght to do so. I join this group for support. Please help me through this process as I believe his mind is made up.

@Saroj I'm sorry that you're going through this painful process. I know how it feels because I sent my ex-wife numerous emails and text messages as well prior to divorce and I didn't get any response as well. She just ignore everything I sent her including text messages. My friend told me that if I've done everything I can and still she doesn't want to communicate with me, I should just stop. I know it's hard. I can tell you it's an everyday struggle for me. Right now, I'm trying to distract myself to stop myself. I start playing this stupid games on my phone, watch series in Netflix, play with my 4-legged kids, and when I'm really down I go to crisis hotline. I hope you you find a way to cope as well. I can tell you that the more you try the more you get hurt and unable to move out of your black hole. Hang in there. Try posting if you feel like sending him a message.

@Alovetolast: your solution is going to be very painful but it is actually simple: DO NOT contact her, for anything whatsoever. Do not use any excuse (I've got to pick up my things, we have all of these papers to sign, my insurance is under her name, she left her favorite earrings in my car... NOTHING!). You need to move on from this, and every time you contact her you sink deeper and deeper. Face the loss and the depression. I am right here with you, my friend. Let's do this together!

@Saroj: I did that to my ex-wife once. I cancelled our wedding, only to marry her later. I blamed it all on her. It was all bogus, though of course in my brain it wasn't. My fears and immaturity made me cancel the wedding, and worse, blame it on her both externally and internally.
I was extremely unfair to her that time, and she never got over it, nor did she have to. She shouldn't have married me after that, but she still did. However, after a number of other things like that, she finally had enough and just asked me for a divorce last month, out of the blue (to me), after 9 years of relationship and 4 years of marriage. I am devastated, but I could not agree with her more.
Do not let him do to you what I did to my wife.
Just move away, stop contact, don't try to get him back or even get closure from him, you don't deserve whatever it is he has to offer. If you're religious, you can pray that he can overcome his fears, but I'd just tell his friends if you think it will help HIM (do not do this for YOU or for the relationship: you ought to realize that there is no relationship!). Other than that, do not contact him or his friends/family AT ALL. Stay away even from social media and from common friends (and from his family if they are in contact with you), they will all understand. Once you've healed you'll easily recover any relationships worth saving.

Thank you all for your kind words encouragement. It help to share your pain with others who understand.

Hi, @bees2000. I certainly think you have a point about keeping in contact while working things out and reconciling. However, @Alovetolast is telling us that his divorce is final and that he thinks he is living in a delusion that she still loves him and might come back, while her replies to his messages don't give any indication of that whatsoever

I know this kind of pain only too well because I am going through the exact same thing right now, and the days when it gets worse are when I have been in contact with her, me telling her that I love and miss her or that I will move to another city if this is as final as she says, and she just bluntly replying that I should do whatever I think is right for me. All I manage is to wreck myself into sobbing like a child for hours on end, whether I'm alone at home, at work, out on the street... anywhere, really! (and hey, I'm a manly man, you know? ;-) ).
It's almost as bad when I contact her family or friends "to try and get closure". It's all bogus. I just want to think she'll come back, that's all, and I am fishing for any sign of doubt in her on even in any of them, so that I can keep my hope alive just one more day and stop me from accepting my unfathomably ugly truth: that my wife does not love me, that she left me because she does not love me and that she will not come back. Rather easy to say, but nigh on impossible to accept right now.

I cannot tell for sure that this is @Alovetolast's case as well, but it certainly does seem so. If it is indeed the case, no contact is a necessity for him right now, it will minimize the damage, which will still be great. It's the only thing keeping me from falling apart right now, since my denial is still 100% alive and kicking (hard and right in the stomach, literally!). It will also help her and, if there's any chance of salvaging a friendly relationship in the future, it will be after this (long) period of calm, isolation, and rebuilding themselves into the individuals they now want to be. This takes months, not weeks, and he should not be anywhere near her while he's in denial or deeply susceptible to her in any way.
Of course there is always a distant possibility for reconciliation, but the mere thought of it wrecks me right now, it just freezes me, stops me from looking for a home and for a job or working at my current job. It just freezes me entirely and I need to move on. I think so does @Alovetolast, but of course that is his decision.
Nobody deserves this kind of pain, nobody. Love is not pain. If he's in pain (as I am) it's because of clinging and guilt and memories and anxiety and grief, not love.

Please let me know if you disagree and why. Since I'm still stuck in denial (after 1 month), I'm obviously not an extremely successful example right now =D

After all, we don't just want to listen to each other here, we want to be a "support" group in the full sense of that word, right? We want to help each other out of this feeling of emptiness and anxiety.

I feel your pain. I truly do. This group has helped me so much but I would be lying if I said that I don't struggle at times. Every day is a new day and I've come to realize that the evenings are the hardest for me. It's been almost one week since I talked to my ex, which is not a lot of time but a big deal for me. I think of him often but it's easier to deal with not talking to him than the "waiting to hear from him". Honestly, every day it gets a little easier. I never thought I would get to this point but I have. I don't look for excuses to contact him. I'm coming to terms with the fact that he has moved on and we weren't right for each other anyway. I hate losing my best friend but trying to hang on to a "broken" friendship was causing me more grief than anything else. We didn't have kids together, which I am grateful for, but I hate that he never asks about my son (who he helped raise for ten years) and it kills me to think I'll never see my dog again.....I have to keep things in perspective. I just saw that he responded to an email that I sent him a month ago. I considered responding but I won't. There is no point in responding. It's basically him fishing - I think he enjoys having me "on the line" and I won't let him have that control over me. Once you make up your mind to truly let go, things will start getting easier. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life and I know that you probably feel like it's just not possible but it is.

@Visc You and I are in the same boat, especially the part where we are trying to find out if there's a possibility of reconciliation despite the divorce. I'm still on denial like you it'd still 100%. I'm still stuck and I wish there's an easy way to get of this black hole. I really feel like an addict. Today, I'm counting my little success. Two days no contact with my ex-wife. I was able to get up and prepare for work without breaking down. I was able to drive to work without any accident. She's still in my head all the time, and there are moments I want to breakdown even on the my meetings. All I can do is put a brave face or pretend that I'm having issues with my contact lenses. My head and heart are fighting, and I have a hard time breathing when it happens. Please continue praying for us. It's hard to go through a day..It's a constant battle.

Hang in there, Vics.

Really, I had to comment again that you two need a mediator. (I can just imagine the type of divorce att. you had. One who asked no questions and just showed you where to sign!) Sorry but I'm angry for love's sake. Now if you know this is true, like I said you need to get yourselves a mediator, because it seems that your wife is not going to acknowledge that she loves you. She may not even realize it yet but I think she does every time she looks for or makes up a reason to contact you. Give her a little time. And you stay aloof and firm. But really if nothing happens you need to get someone who can get you both to admit lovingly face - to - face that you love eachother. Praise God let it be soon. You're welcome.

@vwidow there's no pride left on my side. If what you say is true, I didn't see it because I begged her to reconsider her decision numerous times before our divorce was filed even until we're already in the courtroom in front of the judge. She acted like as if she's just in the DMV while me on the otherhand was on emotional wreck. The judge even asked the cop to stay behind me because she saw how vulnerable I was. As soon as the divorce is final, my ex-wife told me there's nothing else to talk about. She hugged me and told me she loves me..we tried but it didn't work. Then, she asked me to drive safe. No tears shed on her part. I love my wife so much. I will trade everything I have just to have her back.

Giving the OP a false hope with mediators and tales of his ex wife returning with a burning love for him is pointless and not at all constructive. She thought long and hard and concluded she wanted to split. They don't come to these conclusions on a whim. To heal and get on without them you need to go no contact and accept the reality of the situation, not continue is some false hope fog.