Hi Joe: I remember a saying when i grew up "you don't always get what you want." It rings through here with your spouse and he doesn't get it that this is an emergency type of thing when your own grandson needs a home and you take him in.

If this causes your spouse to bail, and a child in the life makes him feel "cheated," then have you tried to talk it out as to why he feels cheated. Did he intend on you two traveling? Did he intend on moving into a different home or area? Have you taken in grandkids previously so it is very common that you do it? In other words, what disruption on the lives of you two has this created? Have you two tried counseling to get to the bottom of this?

I realize that for some couples, they put aside money and set goals and plan on doing things just the two of you and you have that time alone together finally at some point in their lives. Taking in children can sometimes ruin the whole plan and the intimacy of it all. Many, many hugs.

Hi Joe: Another thought. If my son were to have children and then later be unable to keep them, I know I would not be able to take them in. With the medical problems I have, I am truthful enough with myself to admit that I am not capable of taking in children, even if they were my grandchildren. I couldn't properly care for them physically and financially.

Does this have anything to do with how your spouse feels?

Those are good questions. What are the circumstances surrounding your needing to take this child in? More information would be helpful.

My son was on drugs (and his wife at that time too). He went to jail. The wife called us and said to come get the little guy because she could not care for him. That was 6 years ago. The bio mother gets all she needs from visitation every other week. She has no interest in raising him. My son also see's him every other weekend, and will get off of probation in July. He makes all kind of noise about raising his son, but he can not even take care of himself let alone a child too. I doubt he will ever to capable of raising his son because he only thinks about his own needs, not his son's needs.

Why he feels cheated? It was not the life we planned. We both retired before we were 50 (him 2 years earlier than me). We had 5 years to travel and do whatever we wanted too. (We were RV'ers) I have always felt it was a blessing we had those 5 years, and that God knew what was in store for us in the future. Why else would he have allowed us to retire so young? Husband (Joe) did not feel the same way. We have a cabin in Colorado. Our plan was to spend 6 months per year in Texas and the other 6 months in Colorado. We actually did that right before we got the little guy..
He also feels cheated because all of my attention is not focused on him. He is the selfish monster that I created.
We did do marriage counseling and that seemed to be going well UNTIL the counselor said that it was now MY TURN to have everything be about me (since it was always about him for the past 33 years). He replied..."What's in it for me?" My mouth about hit the floor. That should have been my first clue.. 10 days later his brother showed up...told him..."I would not take that crap" and we went downhill fast from that point on. I hope you noticed that I said taking in our grandson started the cracks in the foundation of our marriage......but it is not the entire cause.
As far as talking it out? You can not talk out anything when the other person refuses to admit that they have EVER done anything wrong....or that ANYTHING could be his fault, ever. He was making progress alone with the counselor, trying to understand himself and why taking responsibility was such a huge issue for him. I do believe it was a painful journey for him.
It is a terribly long story but everything ended within 3 days at Christmas time..My husband is easily lead. Right now he is doing everything his brother tells him to do (that way it can not be his fault no matter how badly it goes)
After rereading this I realize it is all over the place! I do love my husband, and I know that I probably always will. But I also know that if I accepted the way he treated me (and the way he allowed his brother to treat me) I would lose every sense of "me". Does this make any sense at all??

Yes - thanks for the clarification. You are in a tough spot for sure. I understand his hurt feelings of not having the retirement that you planned, and kids can certainly take a lot out of you and require lots of energy. I get the whole selfish thing. My STBX has always been selfish, so I'm used to shouldering the entire load where the kids are concerned. That is also why we're divorcing - he never made time for his family - we were not a priority; drinking was. It's too bad the parents of this child won't step up and do the right thing by their son. I can see perhaps in the future they may have a bigger role to play, but in the meantime the boy gets messed up. I would say that if he's able to walk away from a marriage of this length because of unforeseen circumstances - a big one involving a human being - then that doesn't say very much for his character. Sadly, I could see my STBX acting the same way. He actually always acted like that - the kids got in the way of his being the center of attention. Some men just don't ever grow up. I'm sad for you.

Thank you Cheryl, I am sad for me too.
I should say that he did not walk away, I told him to leave.
There are somethings that happen that are just unforgivable! When we first started going to counseling I was asked "what is forgiveness? "
It really bothered me that I could not define that word ! I asked many of my friends to define it.....they also got quiet and struggled with a definition.
I now fully understand that forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. You have to forgive in order to go on with your own life. I know all of this, yet the pain and heartache he has caused me is just unforgivable in my eyes. It hurts. It hurts every single second of every single day. I know I have to follow through with a divorce, but I love this man and I always will. He will destroy me if I let him.

Your grandson is very lucky to have you. It sounds like you and your husband went through a huge struggle with your son. I wish you happiness and joy with the little one.

I'm sorry 33 years is a long time so it must be very hard..my marriage lasted 20 and I know how hard it is..I agree with you that you were blessed with the 5 wonderful years you had to RV and take time for yourself..I can certainly understand his disappointment,but you had worked hard to retire early too, so you know how he feels. Hes not the only one here that had to give something up..you did,as well as that sweet little boy who would have loved to be raised by 2 healthy parents. Life changes,and sometimes we are called to give up on things we had planned..life is full of unexpected challenges. It sounds as though he may be somewhat of a narcissist..is there any one other than him that deserves compassion? I'm sorry you are going through this, but I, like you would never not be there for a child in need. You sound like a woman of character and love and i applaud you for making the sacrifices you have to give this little guy a chance. Know that without you, he wouldn't stand a chance. Best of luck..

I also think that is the risk you take when you have kids. You raise them to the best of your ability, but sometimes they take a wrong turn, and in this case there is also another generation to deal with. You deal with it. You don't throw a hissy fit until you get your way. You have to take what life gives you. How sad for him to mess up his retirement years being so childish.

Thanks guys.....it is good to know that there are others out there that understand. It seems that we (as women) do everything we can for our man. We make them the center of our lives. Rather than take that as love, they feel they DESERVE to be the center of everything, For the past 3 years it feels like I have been raising 2 kids....my grandson & my husband, (Hubby was the bigger baby of the two)
I know in my heart that I did the only thing I could do. I did give hubby the chance to walk away when we first got our grandson. He was constantly on my back about how we did not deserve this, and how unfair it all was, and what a piece of crap our son was!
I finally had to send him to Colorado...."for as long as it takes" to decide if he was 100% on board. I did tell him that he had the ability to walk away (and other MEN would not blame him if he did). I did not feel that I had that ability. This little guy did nothing to deserve the parents he was dealt. After 2 weeks he called and said he was 100% on board....but he never really was.
I miss him horribly! Everyday it is a struggle to stay on track.
Something else that is unique about my situation is this: I have to see and be around my husband during the week....the entire day.
We had been working on an old house we were renovation to move into. I am now living in that house, which he is helping me finish. He knows that if the house remains unfinished it will cost him when it comes to splitting assets. (so not just out of the goodness of his heart)
Most people can get away from thier soon to be ex........I can not.

Wow, that's a tough one. But at least you get to live in a house that isn't so full of the memories like the one you live in now. You can make it your own. Take care of the little guy - he'll get you through the tough times ahead.

Hi Joe: I fully understand now where you are coming from and don't envy your situation. I can't imagine what it would be like having your son and his wife involved with drugs then them giving up their child to you.

Your husband does sound narcissistic and that pretty well cuts out support for you during all this. And it creates tension that the child must feel. It's really not fair to be raising two kids (the boy and your husband) and your husband should be jumping on board, or jumping off and going his way.

I believe that if it wasn't your grandson, it would have been something else that started up the "rumble" with your husband. Perhaps if you developed an ailment where you both needed to relocate to a better climate for you, or if something else had happened to your son and his wife (drugs wasn't an issue) and you wanted both of you to move to be closer to them. Your husband would have been really unhappy about the choice and it would have taken away his decision he made long ago and his control and made him really mad and acting the same way he is now.

I also wish the additional gift your son had given to you was to have a vasectomy so that he would not risk having any additional children. Take care of yourself throuogh this. Many, many hugs.

Cheryl, I read your post and was shocked because just yesterday I told my husband
.."The one good thing about this house is that you have never kissed me in this house,
you have never held me in this house,
you have never even said goodnight to me in this house even though we have slept beside each other for 3 nights,
I do not see you around every corner,
this was never "our" house."

So, yes, that is really a blessing for me!

I moved into this house on December 22nd. There is no kitchen yet, but the bedrooms and bathrooms are finished. So is the living room and the laundry room. I do have a utility sink in the laundry room so I can at least wash dishes. We worked on cabinets in the kitchen today. We can not talk about anything personal.....his temper flares and then all he wants to do it hurt me with words.
My little guy has been my saving grace. I have to stay somewhat composed, but he knows Nana is sad.
He asked Papa WHY he always makes Nana cry..?
Why can't you just be nice to her? THAT broke my heart.
My little guy does not remember living with anyone else, the only home he has memory of is with me & Papa......so this is home to him.
Because of the little guy I MUST get up each morning and face each day, I must show my grandson that no matter what happens LIFE goes on. I want to be sure to teach him to be honest, and to respect women, and to treat others the way you want to be treated.

After the little one is in bed for the night I can let the tears flow, and they do. I did not know that you could continue to cry while you are sleeping....but I do..
How will I EVER stop loving my husband??This is SOOOOOO hard, and so unfair.

I don't have an answer for you. 33 years is a very long time. I guess you begin to get over loving him by reminding yourself of why you are in this situation. He is a selfish person. Love the heck out of the little guy. He'll get you through this. It's a great thing you're doing for him. He will be much more settled when the tension is out of the house. And sadly you have an example to show him of how NOT to behave with women. Go ahead and cry at night. The more you cry the less you'll want to down the road. We're here for you.

He was here this morning and I asked him if I could ask him a question. His voice softened and he said yes. He had told me the day before that the marriage counseling was not real, that he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear, just playing along. So I asked him if that was true......he replied..."not all of it was fake" I really hoped I could get some answers to questions that are burning inside of me,,,,,,,all I got was a bunch of "I don't know" . After about 10 minutes of talking he got mad and stomped out......but he was crying. I did not intend to inflict pain on him.....I was only trying to stop some of my pain!
We will not be getting lawyers involved. He has agreed to let me file the "do-it-yourself" divorce and we agreed on this from the very beginning (too bad we could not agree on anything else)
The "stuff" is very important to him, always has been. During our 33 yr marriage he has never even looked at a bill and never even looked at our bank accounts. He had no idea of what we have or what we did not have. I always made sure he had money in his pocket, and if he really wanted something I made sure he got it.
Today it seems that he thinks I am just punishing him and that sooner or later we will kiss & make up? We have never lived apart before and I have never asked him to get his stuff and move out before..
I has been 2 months now and I am thinking he might have reality setting in? I know that he has blown through $3500.00 in the past 2 months (he is not paying rent anywhere because he is living in one of our rental trailers) and his car is paid for, so the only bills he has are just gas and personal stuff. He is also borrowing from his paid up life insurance?? I guess it is to buy more stuff, but I have not asked..
We had money in a money-market account, but I moved all of it because it was my inheritance money. THAT shocked him, he just assumed that 1/2 was his.
Does it always come down to the money? Is it just about stuff?
I was able to tell him this morning this: "A few months ago you had this house, me, all the rental homes and money in the bank and money in your pocket.. You were still horribly unhappy, so WHAT is it going to take to MAKE you happy Joe?""
Could it be a midlife thing? He did not drink and he did not chase women. He was a very good man. Somewhere along the way He decided I have no value. I have been his whipping boy all through our marriage because nothing could EVER be his fault. If he stumbled it would be my fault for not warning him! I really believe he thought I would never end the marriage.
Tomorrow would be our 33rd anniversary. We were married on a leap year...............so it will be a tough day for me. He has not come back today to work on the house and I don't know if he will even show up tomorrow...............time will tell.
After reading many other peoples stories here I have realized that I will probably never get the answers to the questions I have. I thought it was important so I could get closure.? Looks like time will be the only thing....the questions will never be answered.