joesuzzi - it's so difficult at any length of time. So sorry.

There is a group called Divorce After Twenty Years. It has really helped me and there are so many great people with great advice that have been in long-term marriages.

check it out. Sending hugs!

I am so sorry, It would be so hard to be in your situation.I made a monster also. I always was taught by the old school, you were supposed to make your other half happy. It took me 15 years to learn, you can't make someone happy if they don't want to be!!!!!!!
There were no problems till 11 years after we got married when he decided it was OK to have a couple of kids. I had to divide my time and he wasn't happy about that. He always wanted everything his way all the time. He died about 10 years ago. We were married for 37 years.Those first years we were both happy. Now, I am loving the single life.
If he had lived and I was in your situation he would no more welcome that poor little grandchild than fly to the moon.
I'm NOT saying all men, but I think it is in the genes that women are more compassionate in situations like yours and I know I would choose that sweet grand baby, who REALLY needs you rather a selfish man who just wants everything to center around getting his own way.
I wish you luck, and you will get the love and caring back 1000 fold from that baby when he grows up.
good luck

it is hard to accept that some questions will never be answered. unfortunately, this is one of those times in our lives where we walk very alone and have to live with things because the chapter is closed.

for me, i look at relationships as having to go full circle. they do not go full circle until they leave our lives either through divorce or through death. until we release them to be free, the circle does not complete.

my ex is remarried to a good man and is safe. that is a good thing. now, i am free to find a new love if i want to.

Verne:
I have not yet learned how to let him go, I still love him so much. You seem to have such a good attitude about it, I hope I too can get there someday.
fsscoccermom: I am also reading the posts on the married over 20 years board.....I just do not know if I should try to repost everything over there? I am still learning my way around this board, but I agree that there is a lot of good advice there and on all the groups here. Thanks for steering me in the right direction.
gem: sounds like you and I are from the same "old school" I do think that most men (with the exception of the guys here who actually seem to have hearts and know how to feel pain) do think they deserve everything. I am sure my husband would be thrilled if I died tonight, They just do not seem to be as connected to kids & grandkids as women are. Men & women are so very different,
I do know that my little guy is my saving grace. I love him beyond everything & everyone else. He needs me....and we all need to be needed.
astimegoesby: You have a great sense of what is going on. I too wish my son would get "clipped"......my relationship with him is not good as he thinks I have stolen his son. He seems to forget that he was in jail;....and on drugs.....but I have stolen him? The bio moms parents wanted nothing to do with him.....for 6 months .no one even called to see if he was OK or needed anything. I could never turn my back on a child ! I do wish my husband had walked away in the very beginning when we got the little guy.....he was lying to me and lying to himself. In the meantime this 9 year old little boy has grown attached........so again his life is disrupted. Life is just not fair.
and Cheryl................THANK you for being so supportive !!!

This sounds very much like my STBX - he chose to be unhappy most of his adult life. I tried like hell to "help" him - point out all the good things he had in his life, the comfort, the stable job, etc., etc. But he was always a glass-half-empty kind of guy. I could exist on very little, while he had to have lots of "stuff." Well, now he has his "stuff" but not what really matters to 90% of us - family and love. Of course it's all my fault. I believe he too didn't see it coming, although I can't figure out why as we had been to marriage counseling 10 years ago, he BS'd his way through it, and made it all about my issues. Stupid counselor bought it all. After 4 months we were done because I saw now point in continuing and the counselor thought we were cured. Nothing ever really changed, and in fact got worse. So I finally had to leave, and he felt blindsided. I really can't help that he didn't listen to me. So you see, even if you went the counseling route, it may have turned otu the same, especially since he didn't really buy into it.

Just know that you're a good person, and I believe you're doing the right thing. We don't always have the perfect golden years we envisioned for ourselves. Life and reality get in the way. Good for you for rolling with it.

Noticed the post is old but wondered how you were doing. I'm 60 married 43 years & filing for divorce. We raised our oldest 2 grandsons, now nearly 24 & 22. Adopted the oldest. He had no problem with any of that I did most of it on my own anyway. Let us know how your doing. I care.

If you have not joined the Divorce After 20 Years group on DS, you should. There's lots of good advice and support on that site for people who were in long-term marriages.

If you have not consulted with an attorney, I recommend you do so immediately, even if it's just to find out what your legal rights are.

Sending hugs. I was married for 28 years to a serial cheater and verbally/emotionally abusive man. I survived and thrived--you can too.