My fiance and I split about a month ago. We had been together 4 years, and have a beautiful 2 year old son together. She is my best friend, and love of my life.

About six months ago she came clean about a pill addiction. She tried handling it all on her own, and ended up relapsing a few times. The struggles with the addiction and her chronic depression began to put a really bad strain on us at home. It was like she had started putting up all of these walls and became volatile. Fights would erupt out of nowhere, and I would have to sleep on the couch for a night or two over nothing at all. I chalked this up to everything that she was going through, and that we would overcome this as soon as her problems found good course-correction.

There were suicide scares, mental breakdowns, and other intense and hard things that we experienced together in the remaining months. It all ended in a blow-out fight at 2:30 in the morning when she came home from the bar after a late night at her restaurant job. A lot of things had been building up in me, and I blew up. I said some very hurtful things out of anger that should have been said in another way at another time. Things about where she is headed with her addiction and depression, and things that I was fearful of, not angry. In the heat of the moment, they came out very angry though, and I can't take the things back. 

At that point she made her decision, and told me to leave. It has been a month, and there has been little/no contact. We did two sessions of couples therapy before she canceled and has refused to talk any further on the matter. She shut me out completely. I have apologized up and down, I have said encouraging words of support and love, and I've done my best to show her in my actions. She wants none of it. She flipped a switch. It was like she shot me in the belly, and then got disgusted when I started bleeding on the rug. It hurts so much feeling that my best friend and the woman I've loved more than anyone else has closed off and now hates me. 

In the moments she has been willing to talk about anything, she just said that she was unhappy and didn't want to do it. I believe that the detox and depression are the primary causes of her unhappiness, and that our relationship suffered as a result of these things. When I've tried casting light on that, she becomes indignant and just says she doesn't love me and we are never going to be together. 

I'm really at a loss. My entire world has come apart and there has been no reconciliation of any sort. Just texting about a schedule to see my son. I am grieving in a bad way, and she is grossed out by it. I don't understand. We love eachother, and have overcome a lot together. There has been no way to get through to her, and I'm afraid that this is just how it is now. I have been trying to pick up pieces and grind forward to the best of my ability, and have taken on addressing my own mental health issues with therapy and a medication regimine, but this all seems so wrong on every level. I don't know if there is someone else, or if she is having a breakdown, or what. I don't know anything anymore and I just want my family back. I know that we could actually get through our relationship issues with just a bit of work and a bit of therapy, but there is no willingness on her end. 

This hurts. I'm hurting. I don't want any of this.