Please call an attorney today. Find out what your rights are.

I'm so sorry for you and your daughter.

Hugs!

hi yer i called legal aid today and they are sending me out some information so i guess thats the next port of call....

You are not stupid or slow. Ending a marriage is hard, but even if you were married to the worst person in the world, you loved that person and it's hard to stop loving someone. My heart goes out to you.
It's going to be hard for a while, but you'll get through this. You have already contacted legal help. They are usually very understanding. They have seen it all. Good luck to you.

Divorce is not an event; it's a process. Whether it takes three weeks, three months, or three years, nothing will be solved immediately. Take a deep breath and relax as much as you can.

There are steps most people go through in the process of a separation and divorce, similar to the steps in the grieving process after a death: denial, anger, grief, and acceptance. A person in the denial stage can go through the motions of filing paperwork, but will not be "ready" for a divorce until the steps are completed.

Often, partners do not progress through these steps at the same speed or same time. A spouse who has been secretly planning to leave the marriage for some time may have gone through all four stages before the spouse who's left behind becomes aware there's a problem. The process should and can wait until the second spouse works through his or her feelings.

Two issues should be handled expeditiously: 1) You and the children must be safe. 2) You and the children must have a roof over your heads and food on the table. These are survival questions. Once they're provided for, the rest can take as long as you need.

Unless a survival issue is at hand, there's no reason to rush to file a divorce. Often there is no advantage to filing first. Wait until you feel you can handle it, both financially and psychologically.

The longer you have been invested in a marriage, the more thought you should give to working to save it, if that's possible. Marriage counseling, if both parties put their hearts into it, often helps. If there is no hope, either because of misconduct or a lack of love, then you should give some thought to ending the relationship expeditiously. Life isn't a dress rehearsal. You don't have the opportunity to do it again, if you regret being unhappy for ten or 20 years by failing to take action.

You can always "win" a divorce the hard way, cutting and slashing, with a winner-take-all attitude. It will cost you a lot more, both in money and mental health. But will it really be worth it ten years from now? There are some people who can have a "friendly" divorce.

There are some people who can't. If you're one of the former, work through your settlement and go on with your lives.

If you're one of the latter, deal with the abuse or the adultery or the immediate problem as distantly as you can, and try to settle the rest. No one will expect you to be best friends. But you have the ability to take control of whatever issues are not too painful and work through them. Empower yourself.

When you're going through a divorce, everyone will have war stories and advice for you. What you really need to know is that each legal process is different, because the facts of each person's existence are never identical. Just because Joe or Sandy at your shop pays $100 a month in child support or got the house doesn't mean you will. Just because they didn't, doesn't mean you won't.

Laws change; the way people got divorced 20 years ago may be totally irrelevant. Ask a legal professional for the straight story, based on current law in your state.

Some people really get emotionally invested in concern about their partner's new love. You might take some comfort in the fact that rebound relationships hardly ever work.

Be aware that once you involve the court in your life, the rules change. Husbands and wives who may have cheated on their taxes for years find that one may use it in court against the other. Parents who may have smoked marijuana together the whole time they were married may get turned in to the police now that a custody action is pending. Casual babysitting arrangements that were fine when the parties were together come under fire. Think about possible consequences before you act.

Friends and Family

Your friends and family can be the backbone of your support at this time in your life. If you suddenly decide to quit your job and move to a distant city to get away from the whole situation (and the ex), you may be leaving the only support system you have in place.

At the same time, those you care about can do a lot to help or harm your children during the legal process and after. They should never run down the other parent in front of the children. This is still the child's mother or father, due a certain love and respect simply because of that relationship. If that person is a deadbeat, a liar, or an abuser, the child will learn that on his own as the years pass. Let him keep that idealism -- we all lose it soon enough.

Encourage children's relationships with extended family when it's not harmful. Just as you will always be your child's parent, these people will always be your child's grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other relatives. Sometimes when parents are fighting, it's nice for the children to have familiar places they can escape to, with family members to remind them they're loved.

If friends offer to take the children for an evening to give you a break, say yes! There seems to be a SuperMan/ Woman expectation in our culture that encourages single parents to make martyrs of themselves and prove they can do it all. You deserve to take time for yourself -- make it a weekly gift to you.

Often, friends and family members who always disagreed with your choice of partner (but who never said so) will be glad to tell you once you've broken up. Give yourself permission to tell them to butt out when you've heard enough.

At the same time, take advantage of the opportunity to renew closeness with those who may have grown distant because of conflict with your partner. Get past those petty resentments and rejoin the family!

People you know will often encourage you to "get back on the horse" and start dating soon after a breakup. There is no "right" period of time to wait. Some consideration should be given to the legal consequences; ask your attorney if dating will affect any upcoming custody or support matters. If it won't hurt your case, and you feel up to it, go ahead!

But, if you don't feel like dating, speak up and tell people you're not interested. It's your life. Only you know what progress you're making.

If you have a new companion, that person may want to be supportive of you to the point that he/she involves him/herself in the conflict with your soon-to-be ex, particularly in areas of custody and support. While it's commendable for them to want to help, often just the fact of that person's existence is enough to drive the other party mad. Remember that these are your kids. You and the other parent should be the ones discussing any children or money issues. Don't complicate the situation by allowing third parties, however well-intentioned, to interfere in what should be simple negotiations based on what is best for your children.

After It's Over

Take a deep breath. Divorce has probably been one of the most difficult periods of your life, even if it's something you chose. If you have children, you're realizing that you're still tied to their other parent after the divorce, at least until they're 18, and probably on through graduations, weddings, and even grandchildren. (But take heart -- many find after the pressure cooker of the breakup is done, they can become civil again, at least for the sake of their children.) There are final documents to sign, deeds to draw and record, pensions to be collected, houses to be closed up and sold. That life is done.

One door closes behind; another opens ahead. How you spend the rest of your life is up to you. Empower yourself to say "Yes!" to all that awaits, and step through that door. You have survived. Be well. Tread your road gladly, armed with the lessons you've learned. Be good to yourself.

Oestonee has given you a great deal of good information and insights. I have a new member memo I add on to help while you are on this site:

Welcome to DS were glad you found us but sorry you have to be here. What follows is some information that I have compiled for new people. I hope you find something in it to help you:

Some information from Kimmeee: (one of community leaders)

Privacy features.
Go to my account on the left side of the screen below your profile. You will see provisions for changing your privacy and who sees what you post.
You may pick friends only and only friends will see this or you may pick Ds members only. That mean anyone that has a ds membership will be able to view your profile and see your hugs. If you choose everyone, people will be able to google you and see what you have written.
If you use the journal feature you may want to make them friends only.
If you want to chat with anyone, you can do this but you may get many requests from Ghana asking for money. Just end the chat, and report it to us. Report any inappropriate sexual overtones in a PM or chat to us with the member name or to the admins using the abuse link.
You may Set to friends only and this will cut down on who can contact you.

The Community leaders for this group or CL's are
ChiTownBear, Chrurop, and myself. We can answer general questions and we help to limit trolls.

If you receive a Private message or PM that says something to the effect of I saw your profile and I really like what I see, they send you an email to contact them. Please forward that to one of the CL so that we can ban that member.

If you have anyone show abusive behavior toward you in a pm you may use the report abuse button at the bottom of each post and report them to the admins.

If you have general questions about the Rules of the Road or The Terms of Service, that is here.

http://www.dailystrength.org/help/faq


This is a manual for newcomers. It has tried and true ideas from all of us that have had to walk this new path.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

From Patti:

I started to write this in reply to someone else but decided to make it it's own post.

Wake up. Force yourself to get dressed.

Reward yourself with a cup of coffee or tea. This is a big accomplishment. (Thus the silly posts on here debating which is better.)

Then force yourself to keep your mind on something else. This is VERY hard. (Thus all of the silly OT topics which are really much much more ON topic than some people realize.)

Reach out for support....Everywhere. It will probably hit you hard when some of the people that you thought would be supportive won't be. And some of the thoughtless comments will have the power to send you into a dark hole. So come on here and tell us all about them. Chances are someone's heard the same thing, or worse, and can help you throught them.

It will also surprise you the people who will be supportive. I lost a ton of weight, and while buying some clothes, the cashier sympathized and remembered going through the same thing.

Talk, talk, and talk. Talk it to death if you have to.

And also come on here where we understand that sometimes you want to talk about anything Except what's going on. (Thus all of the Other OT topics, that really aren't OT at all.)

Some of us got hurt badly by abuse, some by infedelity, some dealt with alcohol/drugs, and some are going back to work for the first time in years and years. And a lot of us go through issues with our kids.

Take a chance and post. The OT stuff gets tons of responses because so many of us are trying NOT to think about it all, but don't let that fool you. This is a divorce and breakup site. We're all in different stages of it.

Hugs. And sorry that you're here.


From Nannylisa:

10 Things You Can Do to Cheer Yourself Up

Whether you have the winter blues, you're suffering from a disappointment, or you're just feeling a little down, we all have times when we could use a little lift. Here are 10 ideas to get you back on the upswing.

1. Plan Some Fun. Get out your calendar. Next do a search for things to do in your area. Local newspapers usually have a "What's Going On" section. Pick out your favorite 5 or 10 things. And remember the things you choose don't have to be big events. It can be as simple as taking a long drive in the country or going for a walk on the beach. Write them into your calendar. Invite someone to join you on some. For others go and meet some new people.

2. Express Your Creativity. Do some painting. Decorate your house with flowers. Do a paper mache project. Pick up that guitar, practice and write a song. Practice juggling. Make a funny photo album with all those old photos you've got in boxes by adding quirky caption above each picture. Learn how to play the harmonica. Write and illustrate a mini book or comic book. Maybe pick your favorite movie get a friend to act out one of the scenes with you while you videotape it. It doesn't have to be good. Just doing these things will make you feel good. And if you keep doing them you'll naturally get better.

3. Get Outside. Fresh air does wonders for your body and spirit. If you can go to a park or a place in nature, even better. Here are some things you could do: go for a walk, fly a kite, plant some vegetables or flowers, roller skate, ride a bike, or go on a 'treasure hunt" to find things for an art project.

4. Let Music Take You Higher. Turn on your favorite music and sing! Pull down the shades and dance. Rent a video on belly dancing. If you're in your car, you can still move a little to the music. Go for it! What do you care what other people think? Have fun with it! Sing, dance, play an instrument. Practice your favorite song and then go to karaoke and let the world hear your talent!

5. Walk a Dog. If you don't have your own dog, offer to walk a neighbor's dog. Or even better yet, sign up at the local MSPCA to walk the pooches who have no one to love them. What a nice way to make a difference!

6. Volunteer. There are so many ways to help others. Here are a few ideas.

* Feed people. Volunteer at a food kitchen or make your own homemade batch of food and share it with people who could use it: shut-ins, elderly, new mothers, someone who is works too much, etc.
* Help People: volunteer with the Salvation Army, the Red Cross, or Meels on Wheels.
* Mentor. Check out Big Brother/Big Sister, Mentoring.org, or SCORE(mentoring small business start-ups).

7. A Change Will Do You Good. Get some order in your house. Change your furniture around. Change your decorations, or maybe go minimalist for a change. Clear out the clutter. It doesn't matter where you start. Just pick a place in your home that's been bugging you and attack it! Then sell, throw, or give away stuff you don't need. You'll feel great afterward and you'll have made a dent in making your living space more peaceful. And maybe it will give you inspiration to tackle another area tomorrow.

8. Plan a Party. There doesn't need to be a good reason other than it's time for some fun. Start with a small idea and build around it. Maybe you can get inspired by a theme, certain foods, or your favorite music to get the ball rolling. Then think about who you would like to invite. When and where will you have it? Will you cook, hire caterers, or make it pot luck? A meal or finger foods? Will there be dancing, contests, games, or other fun stuff like costumes? Maybe it will be low key with some jazz music, wine and cheese. Or maybe it will be a Hawaiian luau. Or maybe if you have a lot of singe friends you can have a white elephant party. Call a friend for help with the logistics.

9. Personal Spa and Relaxation Day. Include as many of these ideas as you like or have time for. Get a massage, pedicure, and haircut. Take a bubble bath with candles, music and champagne. Give yourself an egg-white or mud mask facial. Line up 2-3 movies to watch in bed while eating your favorite delights: ice cream, chocolate, whip cream, jello, popcorn, finger food hors d'oeuvre, and more. What else would you include to pamper yourself?

10. Reach Out. Connect with friends and family. When was the last time you wrote and mailed an actual letter? Why not do it today? Or how about making some home made post cards with materials you have lying around the house. Cutout some pictures from magazines or from your photo collection and make a mini collage. Maybe just call one old friend from college or high school that you haven't talked to in forever. Or maybe you could visit a neighbor who might need some cheering up too! Bring some cookies!

From TD:

Be wary of who you give your personal information to. I personally have 3 email accounts. One for stuff I sign up for on the web (like DS), one for work, and a personal.

There are, and will continue to be jackasses on DS that will attempt to be "friendly" at first, and then attempt to evolve a relationship to an unwanted sexual relationship.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of consensual relationships that exist here, and that's fine, it happens.

Just be aware, people know who you are, and it will not take long for the majority of the board to find out.

I am also aware that misunderstandings occur, and I could be wrong, if that's the case, I would expect not to hear anything more about this.

However, if it happens again, you'll be reported, outed, and banned from the site, plain and simple.
From me:

One of our newer members posted wondering what a few terms meant so let me try to help:

Nabbing - just a little game - on non-serious threads some of us try to get the next round number like 20 or 30. Sometimes, on a thread that veered into six, someone may try for 69 - it's just how we feel.

Trolls - these are people who invade DS and don't really have a serious issue - it's hard to tell for new people but here are some general guidelines:

a) They have recently joined DS
b) no hugs, friends, photos, other groups
c) repetitious posts with the same hardluck story (ie, David yesterday)
d) for women, typically really huge breasts in their picture; guys are usually impossibly handsome
e) you will see some of the longtimers (ALC, Kimmeee, Frank,
Veech, and others) jump on the person

Banning - the person is deleted from DS and can't post anymore

Ignoring - there is a feature on a person's profile that allows you to ignore that person. That means that you will not see that person's posts.

A lurker is someone who is behind the scenes - he/she reads the threads and posts but never or seldom does any.

STBX= Soon to be ex
fucktard - well that one's easy, same as sbtx

OP - I've seen OP stand for "Other Person" when used in the context of a marital affair or "Original Poster" when used in the context of a message board thread.

MIL - Mother in Law
BIL - Brother in Law
SIL- Sister in Law
OW- other woman
OM - other man
PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder

And from our wonderful Z:

Welcome to DS. I'm sorry for your pain. We know that drill all too well and it is so sad to see someone going through this hurt. Here are the links that a fellow DS member, PGamble, put together. We all care. It's time roll up your sleeves and start taking those necessary steps before we MARCH MARCH MARCH. Do your part and we will walk beside you and you should seek counseling in addition to your daily strength. Godspeed.

http://dailystrength.org/c/Breakup...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://dailystrength.org/help/cris...

http://www.hud.gov/homeless/index.cfm

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Bre...




Lynne

thanxs guys your advice is much appriacted, and a great comfort in the cold qiute nites, well its the morning rite now just dropped my girl off at school, and i noticed the wife standing their, not sure if she was just looking or what i had to go change the details in the administration office so if she did want to talk she didn't say much or act in a way, who knowns anymore

well back to packing up the stuff and sorting out the mess i guess, im finding doing this is keeping me busy and my mind focused on other things, but it only lasts a ceertain time

julian

Sorry for ur pain Julian - my heart goes out to you and ur little girl. Good info in this thread... I want to share it with my STBX even tho he doesn't deserve it ...