Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My boyfriend and I have not been doing well for a while now. Its a long story (but arent all relationship issues). In a nutshell, he works 70 hours a week and we only see eachother one night a week, with a few 10 min phone calls through out the week. The issue I have is that when he says we are going to spend time together he backs out. He never keeps his word. And when we have an argument, he will not talk to me for days and sometimes weeks on end. I can call, text, whatever, and nothing until he is ready to talk.
You can see right away this isnt a healthy relationship. I see it and know it too.
Anyways, a week and a half ago was the straw that broke the camels back. He had once again committed to something and tried to back out at the last minute. This time I held my ground and said, no, you said we would do this, so lets do this. He said okay, fine and acted like it wasnt that big of a deal. So I get over to his house later and he is being a total jack ass. He is pissed that he is having to do something he does not now want to do, and is going to make me pay apparently. After putting up with his passive aggressive abuse, I finally call him out on it which he gets up and walks away. He goes to bed leaving me sitting alone in the living room. This is not the first time he has done this to me. I even tried to go in the bedroom and talk to him, the response was a pillow over his head.
I finally told him, I wasnt chasing him anymore to fix things and if this was what he wanted then wish granted. I slept on the couch and left the next morning... I havent spoken to him since.
I decided I was not going to reach out to him anymore to try to resolve our problems, if he wanted to fix things, he had to come to me to work it out. However, here we are a week and a half later, and I have not heard a peep from him.
At this point, I think I am ready to move on. I am tired of these antics. I am in a relationship but basically live a single person's life. Even though I dont get to see him but once a week, if the emotional connection was there and I felt he genuinely cared, I think I would be okay with the way things are. But since we have started this relationship, it has gone from great to bad, and no matter how hard I try to make us work, it always goes back to the same... him committing to do something or spend time with me and not following through, leaving me with time I took off to be with him, but spending it alone.
I thought maybe if I backed off and left him alone he would step up and try to work things out.. but it just looks like he doesnt give a shizz... at all.
So how do I accept this and do what I need to do and more on?
I think I am still in denial which holds the pain at a distance, but whenever I start to take that final step to ending it, that is when the pain and tears come...
You can see right away this isnt a healthy relationship. I see it and know it too.
Anyways, a week and a half ago was the straw that broke the camels back. He had once again committed to something and tried to back out at the last minute. This time I held my ground and said, no, you said we would do this, so lets do this. He said okay, fine and acted like it wasnt that big of a deal. So I get over to his house later and he is being a total jack ass. He is pissed that he is having to do something he does not now want to do, and is going to make me pay apparently. After putting up with his passive aggressive abuse, I finally call him out on it which he gets up and walks away. He goes to bed leaving me sitting alone in the living room. This is not the first time he has done this to me. I even tried to go in the bedroom and talk to him, the response was a pillow over his head.
I finally told him, I wasnt chasing him anymore to fix things and if this was what he wanted then wish granted. I slept on the couch and left the next morning... I havent spoken to him since.
I decided I was not going to reach out to him anymore to try to resolve our problems, if he wanted to fix things, he had to come to me to work it out. However, here we are a week and a half later, and I have not heard a peep from him.
At this point, I think I am ready to move on. I am tired of these antics. I am in a relationship but basically live a single person's life. Even though I dont get to see him but once a week, if the emotional connection was there and I felt he genuinely cared, I think I would be okay with the way things are. But since we have started this relationship, it has gone from great to bad, and no matter how hard I try to make us work, it always goes back to the same... him committing to do something or spend time with me and not following through, leaving me with time I took off to be with him, but spending it alone.
I thought maybe if I backed off and left him alone he would step up and try to work things out.. but it just looks like he doesnt give a shizz... at all.
So how do I accept this and do what I need to do and more on?
I think I am still in denial which holds the pain at a distance, but whenever I start to take that final step to ending it, that is when the pain and tears come...
I think you have been in denial for way too long, especially since he has been backing out of his time he was to spend with you for quite a while now. If you look at this, it has been over for a while now, you just haven't accepted it.
What I would do if it were me, I would go NO CONTACT on my cell phone, my home phone, my e-mails, social media and realize I actually had NOTHING with this guy. I would move on because you don't want to be pushing yourself at a guy that doesn't want to be with you. You don't contact him again because I believe he already knows it is over, but you haven't picked that up yet.
P.S. You may eventually find out that 70 hour per work week may not be true.
You know, spirit, the sooner you come to grips with the fact this guy will make you miserable for as long as you stay with him the better off you will be in the long run.
You can't live your life trying to fix things HE breaks. It will just get worse. The only person you can change is yourself. You can't change him.
He sounds like he is a total jerk who ends up getting what he wants by making promises he has no intention of keeping and using the silent treatment.
Do yourself a HUGE favor and concentrate on doing things and going places that will make you happy.
You WILL find someone who will treat you better. Of course please do not rush into anything, watch for red flags and ALWAYS listen to your gut when it is trying to warn you.
((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
I remember the lonliest feeling I had was feeling alone in my marriage. I have YET to feel like that again, and I am 4 years divorced.
When you feel single, but you're not, it puts in limbo and it's easy to get taken advantage of. I wish you well; you seem very wise.
Life is already hard enough w/o trying to share it with or make it happen with someone who clearly isn't present anymore. I'm sorry for you, for that....but you do deserve more and better. He sounds like he has a ton of emotional growth to do before he's capable of offering up a more adult mentality that is needed for a healthy relationship.
And I don't think you are in as much denial as you may think. Sometimes it just takes our hearts longer to catch up to what we logical know. Don't fight that fight. Let it sink is as it needs to that this man isn't with you in any way anymore...and it'll hurt, but if you allow that to happen it'll take you forward on the path to finding someone who is more mature, present, caring and committed to you. Stay steady and strong with the NC. And if he reaches out? Its best to let it go for your own well-being.
I love it.
I know its been done for a while. It hurts because we have been in each others lives for 7 years. He was more caring and attentive when he was a friend than as a boyfriend when we took that leap two and a half years ago. It hurts because not only am I losing a boyfriend, but a friendship is lost as well.
This is someone I deeply care about... I just dont understand why he changed and why he stopped caring.
Sometimes, maybe, relationships just fizzle. It would be nice to have a specific reason, but maybe you two truly grew apart.
HUGS!!
Secondly, I know it is much easier said than done, but you need to take control of the situation and end it. I spent seven (seven!!!) years of my life in a relationship with someone who was emotionally unavailable, and it was a disaster. We went through huge ups and downs, and, in the end, we had a very acrimonious break up, and it's been a year and a half since I've spoken to him.
A few months ago, I started dating someone I really liked. After two or three months, he started acting exactly like your boyfriend is. In fact, I feel like I could've written your post. It drove me crazy, and caused me to do some very desperate things. Once we broke up, he kept me in limbo for a couple weeks, only talking to me when he felt like it, getting mad, apologizing, wash, rinse, repeat.
I can tell you, as I'm sure you're aware, allowing someone else to control a situation 100% will only leave you feeling resentful and bitter. It is not okay for anything to be totally on one person's terms. That's not a relationship.
Even though it was only a few months of dating, like TTMI's experience, the person he was in the beginning was so wonderful, yet the person he was a few months in was terrible. But I was already hooked. Thankfully, I have some very good girlfriends who helped me through this situation. So I'll pass along their words of encouragement:
You need to figure out why you are willing to accept so little from someone who says they care about you.
You need to be strong and cut off communication. Don't wait around by the phone for him to finally feel like calling you. Eventually, he will make contact. They always do (happened in my case, and it was an 'I miss you and I'm confused' text that set me back to the day we broke up). A text or a phone call requires almost no effort. They can say whatever they want, but with no action, it's meaningless, which was exactly what happened in my situation. Say to yourself, 'Even though I care about him, I will have more respect for myself than to be with someone who can't/won't put forth the effort with me.'
My advice is to block his phone number. I did that, and it was a huge sigh of relief. It eliminates the stress and anxiety. Don't do it to get back at him, do it for yourself.
Look ahead to your future. You don't want this for the rest of your life, and people don't change so easily. The refusal to deal with problems and flakiness are fundamental character flaws that people don't just let go of automatically.
I know it's hard, but please do yourself a favor and end things with him, continue no contact, and start trying to move on. I promise you, you'll be much better off.
Sorry I wrote so much, but this situation *just* happened to me, and I have very little patience for people who are so blatantly disrespectful of someone else's feelings.
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1894464/
thank you so much for sharing. I did feel it is important enough to copy, thanks again.
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))