Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Trying to survive

ok...where to start...ive been reading alot of past posts an it made me realize that i was not the only one going through this sort of pain. however i just cannot seem to break out of this pain. about 4 weeks ago my fiance (ex) said her feelings changed. I never saw it coming. She said after the few years we were living together, she thought we would grow closer but in her eyes, we drifted apart. I  ever knew she felt taht way. I mean we had our occasional arguments her and there but never did I think she was that unhappy. when we met 12 years ago, she was a single mom and I was a single dad. both already been through a divorce. since being together we had our family trips, lifestyle of rasiging 2 kids and what i thought was the normal family. We recently took a trip to drop her daughter off to college. when we came back home , she blindsided me and said shes not happy and has not been for awhile. why couldnt she have sat me down before if it was that bad? why didnt i see it? i have a lot of guilt and questions...what could i have done? should i have been more attentinve? she said its not me, but its her.... shes just changed and her feelings have changed. i tired to reason with her but nothing i can say or do will matter. I feel like i failed as a BF/lover/fiance/partner. What more sickens me is I invested all my heart and time into this that I cannot imagine starting over again.  She said she felt like we were just going through the otions...talking less and not being close anymore...but in my mind i was trying to be the good partner,,cooking dinner after work..helping take care of her child....keeping the family together the best i could. i find myself hurting about all the what if's ..should I have done more....maybe i did take it for granted..maybe I was the one that caused this... people tell me not to blame myself becuase relationships take work and 2 people....but i just cant get past what she said.  She just fell out of love so in my mind i know i have to let her go...but my heart wont let me.


I am now 43 and i wonder is there hope to finding love again.  


I know ive heard and read that people change and people do fall OUT of love with one another...i just never imagined that was Us....simply because in all these years....i never once thought of  not having her in my life....


i really have no idea what to do....

Replies

sleepless1
sleepless1

My mind immediately went to the Rascal Flatts song, Here comes Goodbye, when I read your post.

Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear I'm gonna cry
Here comes the pain, here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye

So many of us are blindsided when our significant others leave. I know that I was!!! I think when we don't know exactly WHY they leave, its harder in some way. I've actually had times where I have said that I wish my husband had another woman that way I could at least resolve it all in my mind. Obviously I don't really wish for that. But I have desperate moments of just wanting to understand what happened and crazy thoughts like that run through my head.

I'm 10 weeks in today and I'm just feeling like a smidge of my sanity has returned. Its a long, hard road to letting go of someone that you love. I'm not sure if the two of you still have contact or not? I stayed in contact with my husband as much as I could. It was nothing more than a pathetic attempt at holding onto the relationship. I was worried that he would forget me if I didn't. So silly. He couldn't forget me if he wanted to! I'm kidding of course.

We all feel your pain. There are some really nice people on this site that will offer you support and encouragement when you need it. Hang in there!!!!
evanescent...
evanescent...

i feel for you but i learnt that people come and leave they never stay in our lives thus we get chocked up but it's completely normal you will find someone else and you will be heartbroken again it's a sort of cycle sometimes you're the one who leaves and in other times you're left
LoatandWandering
LoatandWandering

to answer sleepless1...we have no contact...she completly cut me off. i dont know if its because she is disgusted by me or just does not wish to hurt me more...but though we did nto share children together...we were both part of each others childrens lives. ... but no contact...via text, emails or calls...i ve tried to reach out with no response....which hurts me more after a decade of being a couple. i hope you all are right that it does get easier...its been only a month but it feels like foreever.
sleepless1
sleepless1

One more thing.........at 43 you WILL find someone new. There is life after our spouses. It hurts like hell getting there, but I promise you that once you work through the pain, better things await. I have to keep reminding myself of that as well.
LoatandWandering
LoatandWandering

I hope that is true.....
copingwith2
copingwith2

I feel exactly what you are saying. Being blindsided by the whole thing is the worst, I have been told no contact is better then having contact. I have contact because we have 2 kids together that need to see their father. He left and was still telling me he loved me and just needed time. I guess that love for me was a lie since he went into another woman's home and bed and that is where he still is. I can't seem to let go of the pain and sadness. I am told it gets easier and I really hope it does. 43 is not too old to find someone else.
steppingovertheedge
steppingovertheedge

Sorry you are going through this - you sound like you were a good, devoted BF. While there is likely no rational way to explain why she left, the reality is that most of the time there is someone else. I say this not to hurt you more, but perhaps it actually makes it easier to walk away from her if you think that there's a very strong possibility that she was cheating - emotionally or physically, usually both. Think about it this way: how many people are "brave" enough to walk away from a good (or pretty good) relationship without having anyone else waiting in the wings? Most people are not. Most people who leave already have someone else. It's just the way it is.

So many of us get blindsided. We tend to be the trusting, grounded ones. Sometimes we get in a rut, get bogged down in the details of life - house, kids, work. We're not out looking for a new fantasy life. But our SOs might be. And with all the social media crap going on now, and apps like Tinder, etc - it's so so easy for someone to stray.

I've been divorced about two years now. My wife was cheating and left - blindsided me the same way. Never admitted to her cheating, but I found out anyway and learned it had been going on for quite a while - multiple people. What a shock!! Also, I was 41 at the time and I'm 43 now.

So I'm posting to tell you that:

(1) It DOES get a lot better! It will take time. You'll want to read, feel, process. It will be tough, your mind will be racing a lot, you'll be trying to make sense of it all. There really isn't much sense to make, though. And you will slowly realize that the reasons and the whys DO NOT MATTER. How many times did I catch my mind spinning in circles until I inwardly yelled at myself: IT DOESN'T MATTER! She's gone, her choice, I wasn't perfect but I didn't do anything "wrong". It doesn't matter why.

(2) There is plenty of life and love at 43 and beyond! My life is pretty good now. I rented for two years, recently bought a small house. I love it. My daughter is 10 so I am forced to co-parent with my ex, which sucks, but at least it affords me some free time. I play guitar in a band now, I get out more. I have a girlfriend who is pretty great. It took a while to get to this point; it was a slow climb out of the despair and shock and anger and hurt. But you'll get there. You'll make it. There are plenty of times now that I actually feel glad the ex left. She's not a very "good" person anymore, IMO. Selfish. Good riddance. I will never be with someone again who shows an ounce of disrespect toward me. I've regained a lot of my confidence and self-worth.

So hang in there. 43 is not "old". There are tons of single and divorced people out there in our age group. When you're ready, you will find someone.

By the way, one final note. You went "all in" with her - put your whole heart into it. As you said, you can't imagine not being with her. That is admirable! It makes it hurt more, but it shows the type of committed person you are. You hurt deeper because you love deeper. It means when this all turns around, you will once again be able to experience a deeper bond with someone.
LoatandWandering
LoatandWandering

thank you for your insight Steppingovertheedge...
i want to be positive and hope I can be as strong as you have shown . i do have my doubts that i could achieve what you have but the pain is just sooo much that i cant even look at tomorrow right now. i dont know if there is another guy and it really doesnt matter as you said. the point is...she left, her choice....and I have no control over it....i just hate the reality of it and still do not know how to accept it.
I just want to know how to move forward.
steppingovertheedge
steppingovertheedge

How to move forward: one step at a time. One day, sometimes one hours at a time. I talked to a counselor weekly for a while, then bi-weekly, then stopped. It helped a bit. Reading helped. Books about getting over divorce, online forums like this. It can become an obsession though!

Get out whenever you can force yourself. If you have a close friend or family member to lean on, do it! I had my brother. He gave me someone to rant and vent to. Or you can do so online.

Try something new. A new hobby. Anything that puts you with new people. It's HARD. I'm an introvert. I felt like I wasn't myself, life was upside down. I did get out a bit. It helped. Every little bit helps.

Write. Write a journal - dump your thoughts, pain, anger onto the page. It helps.

So that's what you do. Every little thing you can to make tiny improvments. Then you find that a month has gone by. It's still really rough, but you're a bit better. Then 3 months, then 6. Getting past the divorce itself was a big thing. I had a song queued up to listen to as I left the courthouse and got into my car. On a whim I stopped and got a hot dog from a street vendor. I was all dressed up - he was a homeless looking guy. He asked if I was a lawyer. We had a kind of funny conversation which I will never forget. Set in my car, ate the hot dog, listened to my song. Got mustard on my nice pants. Then drove to a bar and had a drink with my brother. It actually felt liberating.

Small steps. You'll get there. In two years you might be writing a post like this to someone else.
LoatandWandering
LoatandWandering

wow...2 yrs Steppingovertheedge??? i just dont think i can survive that kind of pain for that long. its been 1 month...and though it is fresh...it feels like eternity. i wonder about why i proposed to her...what made me fall in love with her...why she was able to let go so easy and I am not. I do try to lean on friends as much as i can. but like you...it is hard to express myself. so when i found the one that i could be totally open to, she crushes me...and Im sure she did not mean to do it, for whatever reason...the life of raising a family. the everyday routine just was not fairytale enough for her...her feelings have changed and I have to accept that. But each morning...i wake up..to an empty bed wishing this was all just a bad dream.
i dont know how many people inthis world go through pain and heartbreak ...im sure there are millions....but for some reason....i just cant seem to let go.
to all you readers...how do you let go. I cant be angry at her for not loving me anymore...nor can i be upset that she wants to be happy. But i cant bring myself to feel like my life will be OK.
whether its my age....my looks....my beliefs...self esteem all down to S***. 'to think that another woman will give me what I used to have....hard to even look at that possibility.
i admit i have small moments where i can laugh and smile ...but the pain always wins at the end. it comes creeping when you least expect it and then all life is drained from me.
i envy all of you who are able to power on through and move forward from a traumatic experience like this. i only wish to become that strong.
time is the answer from what ive been told....but tie also is killing me at the same time. because for each day that passes....its one more day that reminds me that she is not coming back. the further time goes, the more time I feel that she has forgotten all the good we had.
that is the sad truth that I am dealing with everyday.
steppingovertheedge
steppingovertheedge

You're not going to feel as bad as you do for a whole two years. You are going to slowly improve. Slowly find more rays of sunlight. Have more moments during the day when you think it'll be ok, and fewer moments of despair. It will slowly change over time.

And doing some of those things that I recommended will help. They help you chip away at the misery, slowly add positivity.

Reading my posts, I make it sound like it was easy. Holy crap, it was not!! I was miserable. I couldn't concentrate. My work suffered. It was brutal. One thing though: do NOT put her on some sort of pedestal. In my opinion, one thing that keeps people "trapped" for a while and hurts the moving on process is looking at your ex through rose-colored glasses. See all the warts that are there. This is why I think it can actually help if/when you find out about the cheating. Getting angry about it is more empowering than wallowing in the sadness. But we each find out own way.

Life will be ok. You can probably go back and read posts of mine from two years ago and see how much I was hurting. If not, I'll post a link sometime.

Here's another thing: you feel like she so easily drops you and moves on. But it happened over time. A lot of time. And she was likely cheating (sorry) during that time. So over a period of time during which you were oblivious, she was cultivating new romance and likely thinking badly of you (a cheater has to demonize the current person in order to live with themselves). It wasn't overnight. She had her time to process, move on, etc. It's not remotely fair. But now you can start on your own time - to process, move on, etc. And you'll find eventually that it gets better. It does. Best wishes.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77

Stepping has some great insight he really sums it up perfectly. I'm 3+ years out from my ex wife of 24 years cheating and leaving our daughter and I. It's a slow slog and hurts like hell but its a gradual healing, it definitely gets better over time. You just have to catch up detaching, they've already detached so are way ahead in that regard. Just realize it's normal what you're feeling and it will pass. Just hang in there
Gutted
Gutted

I would be disappointed if I were you that she waited until she dropped her child off at college then immediately dissolved the relationship. I think that proves you were a good father and helped provide for your co-mingled family.

I think sometimes people just think that grass is greener on the other side. They gravitate to something new and different. It doe not mean there was anything particularly wrong with what they had. I would definitely not see this as a reflection on you as a person. If she had gripes with you, she would have voiced them.

I'm sorry that you are hurting, but it will get better if you use this as an opportunity to go out and find interesting new things to do with your life, things that bring you joy and happiness. If you sit at home and worry about what you could have done differently, then I guarantee you will miserable.

Remember something very important. There are more women in the world than men, and your someone's happily ever after. Don't deprive her of your wonderful company. Go out and find her! Or at least have fun looking.
Findingmywaytome
Findingmywaytome

Gentlemen,

This exchange popped up on my feed this morning after a really rough night. Please forgive the intrusion on your dialogue. I need you to hear something:

I feel your hurts. I understand the difficulties you've experienced. I am the one who has been on the receiving end, too. Rather than leave, I decided to start over with the man but some days I wonder....is there even one man who gave their marriage his all? Is this whole marriage thing just crap and lies and designed to sell dresses and movies and overpriced chicken dinners? Gah!

Then, I get a reminder. Your exchange humbled me as I take those all important deep breaths. My stupid cheater liar husband is not the norm; there are men like you who "love deeply" and are good and honest. Who are engaged and involved with their families the entire way, not just when its fun or easy. Your pain is fresh and I am so sorry for that but please know you made a sad suburban mom not as sad today. You are both treasures and I wish you all the very best. And THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

Realy. Thank you.
LoatandWandering
LoatandWandering

Thank you all for your insight and thoughts... I understand that time will help... But maybe the wound is just too fresh. Nights of restless sleep still occur and Each morning stings like a MF!! Pardon the language. It's hard to look at her in anger because as I said, I cannot force her to love me... And I should let her be happy. The coping is the part that I'm dealing with. The jealousy of all the moments she will be sharing with someone other than me... The fact that I cannot look at another female without missing her.
I know you all have suffered and through your experiences have 1st hand been able to let go. But what if I was the exception? What if I cannot let go? What if I cannot move past the pain of this loss? I wonder this all the time because in these 4 weeks it feels exactly like the day it happened. I lost someone that I thought was forever and I truly did not see it coming. I want to be positive and think that this prepared me for a true love... But what if sSHE was the true love and I didn't do my part?
I guess my grief just isn't healing so all I do is miss her . I try to be strong for my sanity but panic and fear creeps up thinking love has escaped me
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