Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Had a long conversation with my ex last night. We separated a year ago (after 27 years together, 14 yrs married and 2 kids). when he stunned me by saying he had been in an emotional affair for 4 years, it had turned physically, she was the love of his life, etc... I was clueless.
I have spent the last year stunned, grieving, and running scenarios thru my head on what I could have done to avert this.
My head tells me it isn't my fault. But my heart and gut. Can't let it go.
We are on civil terms - I have walked over coals to make it so. So, we are civil, seemingly friendly even. But we haven't actually talked in a long time (although I see him most days bc of the kids).
Yesterday we had a long talk and he talked about why he left. At first. I listened and my head went to the same space as always - trying to make rational sense of it, how I failed, how I could have done better.
But today, I think my heart is finally with my head. There was nothing I could have done. Nothing. He. Was given every opportunity to do the right thing. I am not responsible for his decisions. I am not responsible for his happiness. He is.
The basis of our differences - I am a positive person who focuses on the good and minimizes the bad. He is a negative person who only sees the bad and never the good. So, I focused on the things that were going well and didn't worry about the "small" stuff. But, turns out it is all "small" stuff. I did not have high enough expectations for him or how I should be treated. He, on the other hand, focused on all the bad things about me. And never saw the things I did to try and connect. Or, if he. Saw it, derided it as ".. for me, not him..." as if trying to improve our relationship is only for me...
So, not my fault. I am not perfect. But I am very self-aware. I am open, and honest, and I care about my family so much it hurts. - I probably try too hard to make everyone happy, but, I am extremely fair. And, I never relied on him to make me happy.
He wanted to be prioritized over everyone and everything else. He takes no responsibility for himself, his family, or his own happiness.
He is a child.
I need to hold on to this.
I have spent the last year stunned, grieving, and running scenarios thru my head on what I could have done to avert this.
My head tells me it isn't my fault. But my heart and gut. Can't let it go.
We are on civil terms - I have walked over coals to make it so. So, we are civil, seemingly friendly even. But we haven't actually talked in a long time (although I see him most days bc of the kids).
Yesterday we had a long talk and he talked about why he left. At first. I listened and my head went to the same space as always - trying to make rational sense of it, how I failed, how I could have done better.
But today, I think my heart is finally with my head. There was nothing I could have done. Nothing. He. Was given every opportunity to do the right thing. I am not responsible for his decisions. I am not responsible for his happiness. He is.
The basis of our differences - I am a positive person who focuses on the good and minimizes the bad. He is a negative person who only sees the bad and never the good. So, I focused on the things that were going well and didn't worry about the "small" stuff. But, turns out it is all "small" stuff. I did not have high enough expectations for him or how I should be treated. He, on the other hand, focused on all the bad things about me. And never saw the things I did to try and connect. Or, if he. Saw it, derided it as ".. for me, not him..." as if trying to improve our relationship is only for me...
So, not my fault. I am not perfect. But I am very self-aware. I am open, and honest, and I care about my family so much it hurts. - I probably try too hard to make everyone happy, but, I am extremely fair. And, I never relied on him to make me happy.
He wanted to be prioritized over everyone and everything else. He takes no responsibility for himself, his family, or his own happiness.
He is a child.
I need to hold on to this.
even when the affair hit the fan
you looked in the mirror to try and own your role in how he got so sideways
he choose to get himself sideways, his decisions over time got him sideways
his decisions to stew in secret, to not honor his vows
he choose not to be a man, a friend, a lover, a husband and come to you to work on things as marriage vows more than obligate one to do,
he owns all of the betrayal
I feel the same way about my stbx (who I now prefer to call my ex). She is very self-absorbed. I have not had any kind of revealing conversation with her - she still denies having cheated (even though the cheating has been extensive!).
But the point is that when she felt our marriage was not going well, she made no effort to communicate with me or try to improve things. She just started f&*king around. It was a while later that I realized things were pretty bad. And my approach was to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her (in which she lied about cheating) and start marriage counseling. MC was a joke. She was already checked out and cheating even during that time period.
BUT.... I can say that, despite my flaws, when I was pushed into a tough place in the marriage I tried to do all the right things (MC, complete honesty and vulnerability, opened myself up and also started individual counseling to work on some aspects of myself). It was far too late. But that's because when ex felt that pressure, she did all the wrong things. Could I have prevented that? Likely, no. Even being the perfect husband probably would not have prevented her wandering. Long story on it, but her ego kicked up big time and she became all about her.
A friend of mine told me "you couldn't have predicted this; you were just dealt a bad hand." I think there is truth to that. The person my ex is today is radically different from the person I was dating 19 years ago.
Your final comment: "he is a child". Yes, my ex is similar. She is 39 with a career and a kid but she wants to be 25, single, and childless. She can only achieve one of those 3 things, so that is what she is doing.
Hang on to your thoughts: NOT YOUR FAULT. While both sides usually have fault when things get rocky, the next steps reveal character - how do you choose to repond? NOT YOUR FAULT.
Heck no, you are NOT responsible for his happiness.
It took me 25 years to finally figure you can't make someone happy if they don't want to be.
It is so hard to live with a totally negative person.
I wish you the very best, happy life possible.
I'm so glad you were finally able to release your guilt that it was somehow you.. I completely agree with Stepping.. 'While both sides usually have fault when things get rocky, the next steps reveal character - how do you choose to repond?' THATS it.. right there, black and white.. how do you CHOOSE to respond???? .. lying piece of S*$&.. chose to be a coward, and not fight for your marriage..
I also agree with Coop.. 'I do believe it's part of the healing process though, getting to where you are now'... ABSOLUTELY a huge step in finding your new freedom :)
everyone who responded to this post has excellent points.. you may have to get this printed out on a table cloth instead.. ;)
very proud of you! :)
Came across a great quote today.
"When we blame others for what is wrong in the relationship, we are dwelling on their power and our victimhood".
I think it is about getting to a place where we are past blaming them and past blaming ourselves, and therefore free to move on.
So much easier said than done!