Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
According to my former counselor, divorce should not be sought for reasons other than abuse or unfaithfulness. I disagree.
I am not happy being married to this man for a myriad of reasons. He is not the same person that I met and fell in love with. He had great plans for us, and I believed in those plans. But in hindsight, they were unrealistic. But I trusted his judgment, which is what I thought I should do. For example, he was going to have a house built for us because we could not find one we liked in an acceptable location that was in our price range. We bought a lot, had plans drawn, collected bids for foundation, framing, and so on, yadda-yadda, and THEN found out that the house would cost more to build than it would be worth (this is several years agocan you imagine the nightmare situation we would be in now?). I had reservations all along about his ability to manage this project while working an unrelated 40-hour a week job. When I expressed them, I was admonished for not having faith in him.
Now we are living in Florida, which I HATE, because he took a job here that he does not like (it turns out) after he was let go from his last job in a very niche market. He has become a grouchy, sloppy, flabbyI am at a loss for the right word. He does not exercise anymore. He does not wear nice clothes anymore (not that the ones he has would fit). He whines. Every little thing he does seems to get on my nerves much more than it should. I tell him to please put the cap back on the toothpaste; he does for maybe a week but then stops.
Our sex life is non-existent. I am not attracted to him anymore. I dont know what he can do to change thatand I say can meaning will: his efforts to diet and exercise are short-lived and feeble. Riding a bike for hour is offset by the bowl of ice cream after dinner. To that point, I have been told that I cannot have ice cream in the freezer if I expect him to diet. But that makes me resentful: Why can I not have ice cream when I want it just because he has no will-power? I kept ice cream in the freezer when we were dating and after we were married. But now suddenly, I have to changebecause he has changed.
I feel like Im not even making sense here. We tried marriage counseling before. It devolved into what is wrong with Exit; she needs meds. You know what, I had no need of meds until AFTER I was married! I dont think its all my fault.
And if it is, OK, then I made a mistake. And if this marriage is a mistake, shouldnt it end so that both parties can go on in separate directions? Why must I settle for a marriage that is not fulfilling? I feel like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces missing. I want to look at my husband and melt into a puddle of ooohs and ahhhs.
What is a fair chance? I DO NOT want to be unfair to him, but I do not want to be unfair to me.
I am not happy being married to this man for a myriad of reasons. He is not the same person that I met and fell in love with. He had great plans for us, and I believed in those plans. But in hindsight, they were unrealistic. But I trusted his judgment, which is what I thought I should do. For example, he was going to have a house built for us because we could not find one we liked in an acceptable location that was in our price range. We bought a lot, had plans drawn, collected bids for foundation, framing, and so on, yadda-yadda, and THEN found out that the house would cost more to build than it would be worth (this is several years agocan you imagine the nightmare situation we would be in now?). I had reservations all along about his ability to manage this project while working an unrelated 40-hour a week job. When I expressed them, I was admonished for not having faith in him.
Now we are living in Florida, which I HATE, because he took a job here that he does not like (it turns out) after he was let go from his last job in a very niche market. He has become a grouchy, sloppy, flabbyI am at a loss for the right word. He does not exercise anymore. He does not wear nice clothes anymore (not that the ones he has would fit). He whines. Every little thing he does seems to get on my nerves much more than it should. I tell him to please put the cap back on the toothpaste; he does for maybe a week but then stops.
Our sex life is non-existent. I am not attracted to him anymore. I dont know what he can do to change thatand I say can meaning will: his efforts to diet and exercise are short-lived and feeble. Riding a bike for hour is offset by the bowl of ice cream after dinner. To that point, I have been told that I cannot have ice cream in the freezer if I expect him to diet. But that makes me resentful: Why can I not have ice cream when I want it just because he has no will-power? I kept ice cream in the freezer when we were dating and after we were married. But now suddenly, I have to changebecause he has changed.
I feel like Im not even making sense here. We tried marriage counseling before. It devolved into what is wrong with Exit; she needs meds. You know what, I had no need of meds until AFTER I was married! I dont think its all my fault.
And if it is, OK, then I made a mistake. And if this marriage is a mistake, shouldnt it end so that both parties can go on in separate directions? Why must I settle for a marriage that is not fulfilling? I feel like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces missing. I want to look at my husband and melt into a puddle of ooohs and ahhhs.
What is a fair chance? I DO NOT want to be unfair to him, but I do not want to be unfair to me.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
And I don't think it is a appropriate for a Therapist who is in a position of power should project their personal belief system as an opinion with a client!!!!!! Right or wrong it feels like bad practice to me!!!!!
If you are both miserable and unhappy and Therapy has not worked and your both in need of meds then for Gods sake do you need to be hit in the head???? LOL!!!! You do what YOU have to do to find peace and balance in your life. Take care of you!
And find a new Therapist or at least tell her to keep her biased opinions to herself!
Good luck to you both and please seek a good therapist!
Sincerely,
Idio
It does sound like he is depressed; has he considered this? And why does your husband think you need meds? Could there be any truth to what he is saying?
I'm not trying to be mean, I just want you to be very sure of what you want before you walk away. Divorce is no walk in the park.
Good luck.
I am very sure that D is no walk in the park. But the alternative is staying married, which does not seem like the road to fulfilling my dreams of happiness.
How does one go about finding a GOOD therapist when there are insurance company rules and so many not-good ones out there...?
I am not wanting to sound mean either, however, to leave a marriage because he has become unattractive and whiney, toothpaste cap? Seems kinda trivial! There has to be a reason for this behaviour! There are good therapists,, you just have to search for one!
I wish you allot of luck with this, so that both of you can remember what made you love each other in the first place!
Maybe a physically attractive person says "you're such a looser" or "I should knock the crap out of you"--is that person really attractive? NOT saying this is what he does--he does not--but attractiveness or unattractiveness IS A BIG DEAL.
It was a big deal when I got married and it remains a big deal to me. I am not the kind of person who thinks, Well, I'm mairried now, so I don't have to keep trying to(fill in the blank).
These sound like fixable problems, but you both have to want to fix them. Not just your husband, but you, too.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side.
I know you deserve to be happy but think about what brought the 2 of you together? At one time that made you happy. I agree with everyone who has told you to get a new counselor.
At the same time, I can't shake the feeling that there's more to this story. Exit, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to accuse, but what role did your shortcomings play in the current state of your marriage? You talk a lot about your H's failings, but it takes two to make a marriage work, and it takes two to make a marriage fail. For example, it would seem to me to be a small thing not to have ice cream in the house if my wife asked me not to do that. Why was this a point of contention for you?
Anyway, I just have mixed feelings.