Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
i just received a phone call from my ex husband who is currently in Afghanistan. He is due to come home in the next few weeks.
He chooses to have little to nothing to do with my son. That is on him, not me, although now that so many years have passed, my child is just kind of like "whatever" although i see the pain of rejection he feels.
So, he just calls and says that he isnt sure about seeing him in time for the holidays. He lives 800 miles away, but we meet halfway for his visitation. My son sees him only once or twice per year..and hasnt seen him since last Christmas. He came home for 2 weeks of leave in July but didnt want to see my son, Jax. Didnt even call ONCE to say that he was home, to see how he was doing, NOTHING>
now here we are at the holidays. My ex tells me to day that his mother wants to see jax and is pushing it, but he is going to 'talk her down off the ledge' because he doesnt feel the need to see his son right now and MAYBE he will decided to see him at spring break time before he is reassigned to another location. he also said that this visitation thing was "about her, (my ex mother in law) and NOT HIM" I think he said it 5 times.
WTF??
He has NEVER BEEN A FATHER TO THIS CHILD. When we divorced, he admitted to this,and I even asked if he just wanted to give up all rights. He refused, although i was granted SOLE custody due to his alcoholism and violence. He does have visitation rights, but they are to be supervised.
I am frustrated, and wish he would just leave us alone. this isnt fair to jax at all. i do all that I can...but I always fear abandonment issues with this poor kid, although he is so well adjusted and happy.
I wish he would just completely walk away if he has no interest and make life easier on all of us. i know that sounds horrible...but he inflicts more pain than anything.
Im sad for my kid that he is treated this way, disgusted that my ex is such an asshole, and frustrated that once again, i am left to pick up the pieces.
UGH
He chooses to have little to nothing to do with my son. That is on him, not me, although now that so many years have passed, my child is just kind of like "whatever" although i see the pain of rejection he feels.
So, he just calls and says that he isnt sure about seeing him in time for the holidays. He lives 800 miles away, but we meet halfway for his visitation. My son sees him only once or twice per year..and hasnt seen him since last Christmas. He came home for 2 weeks of leave in July but didnt want to see my son, Jax. Didnt even call ONCE to say that he was home, to see how he was doing, NOTHING>
now here we are at the holidays. My ex tells me to day that his mother wants to see jax and is pushing it, but he is going to 'talk her down off the ledge' because he doesnt feel the need to see his son right now and MAYBE he will decided to see him at spring break time before he is reassigned to another location. he also said that this visitation thing was "about her, (my ex mother in law) and NOT HIM" I think he said it 5 times.
WTF??
He has NEVER BEEN A FATHER TO THIS CHILD. When we divorced, he admitted to this,and I even asked if he just wanted to give up all rights. He refused, although i was granted SOLE custody due to his alcoholism and violence. He does have visitation rights, but they are to be supervised.
I am frustrated, and wish he would just leave us alone. this isnt fair to jax at all. i do all that I can...but I always fear abandonment issues with this poor kid, although he is so well adjusted and happy.
I wish he would just completely walk away if he has no interest and make life easier on all of us. i know that sounds horrible...but he inflicts more pain than anything.
Im sad for my kid that he is treated this way, disgusted that my ex is such an asshole, and frustrated that once again, i am left to pick up the pieces.
UGH
your ex is only in it to keep his mom happy, I can understand that
but I think if I were you I'd be feeling resentful too, then let grandma come to your town to visit, stay in a hotel for a few days, do things with Jax.
I dont think the pieces are for you to pick up, its for them to pick up.
You're doing just great with your own pieces.
I think I'm ticked off with you, and just don't want you to feel, imagine or accept the burden of trying to appease them. Let them do all the work, incur all the expense and cater to your schedule. Seriously.
I'm so sorry for your pain on your son's behalf... and especially sorry for your son's pain of rejection. :(
I don't know how someone couldn't want to spend time with their child. :( I would give everything I have to have been able to have had a child, but STBX was sterile... :(
he sure has a lot of growing up to do. maybe someday he will and maybe he won't.
but, the good thing is that your son can learn from his example of what not to be when he grows up. this guy is so shallow that your son is bound to be a very deep, soulful man when he matures.
Jax feels the rejection...and that is what hurts me. I hate that Im the one who has to sit down and talk with him and tell him his dad has "other plans" I want to tell my ex that that is on him....that he can explain it...but he will just lie lie lie as always.
Th hard part about this....when he didnt show up int he summer..he called weeks AFTER he retuned to the middle east to tell jax that he was too busy during his leoave..but would make it up to him at christmas time. To top it off....he told him that he would have a month off of work and would travel HERE to see Jax so he wouldnt have to go down to KY. My son HATES going to KY to see them....
Ugh.
i have no problem with grandma...none.... but I really hate that my exes selfishness and lack of care for anyone other than himself has to affect others.
what a piece of shit.... ugh.... I make myself sick knowing I married THAT!!
Im really not kidding when I say how amazing this kid is...I know all mothers feel that way about their children....but...he really is one of a kind. Which is what makes me wonder..HOW the hell anyone could deny a beautiful human being like that....
but...
why does he always keep us dangling like this?
If he has no interest....just say so...cut your ties..and let us all move on...
If the only reason your ex does visitation is to appease his mom, I think I would do what I could to arrange visitation with just his mom (grant yes, he could change his mind, legally the papers say he can have visitation). But if he is going to continue to blow Jax off, then just deal with her. I think I probably wouldn't even tell Jax about any potential plans with his father, not until you are sure it is going to happen. So he doesn't get his hopes up, and feel doubly rejected (not only that dad didn't follow through, but dad isn't coming at all). Do the papers say you are to meet the exh half way for visitation? If not, don't go out of your way anymore. Make him come to you...
i will never go out of my way for that man ever again. I did it last year at christmas time..and it wont happen again.
My paperwork says that jax can visit from the day after christmas through up to 2 days before school is back in session...so that he has a few days to readjust before starting school again.
Last year he gave me the sob story of having him fro Christmas because he was deploying the week after and his leave was over on a certain date. Considering the injuries he sustained on his last deployment, he kept saying that he thought this was necessary in the event he 'didnt make it home"
I accommodated HIM and sent Jax before and through Christmas.
It wont happen again
If that was his fear...death...or of being so concerned...he sure did show his lying colors when he had no interest in seeing him half way through his tour on leave...it sure wasnt an issue then...
know why this is killing me? I just lost a friend of mine over there on combat a month ago.... and THAT guy left behind a wife and 2 kids whom he adored... THAT guy would EVER dream of not wanting to see his kids!!
add to that equation the fact that he is a soldier dealing with the extreme stresses of war. given his stunted, myopic personality, that was probably the worst choice in career for him. his support system, especially his parents, at that time would have done well to steer him away from such a disastrous path.
if, and that is a big if, he ever faces his so-called softer side, he will be rocked to his very core and have to face some very big realities. we all have to, sooner or later, if we want to stay sane. lol
geez, i'm sorry, namaste. if only you would have seen this guy coming way back when. but, you called them the best that you could with the knowledge that you had at the time. you had no way of knowing the future.
It is so very clear to me your X is the loser here.
Don't feel sorry for your Jax, he will grow up to be a happy adult because he received love from you...