I will never understand why people add the drama of dating/seeing someone else, when they are still married and/orseparated and working it out.

Because sometimes you cannot control the timing of when you meet someone who you are interested in.

You have not been apart so very long yet. I am not judging you for meeting someone you are interested in but I would say don't move forward on that too fast. Be sure you know what you really want and what is best for you.
When my first ex and I separated and decided to end it I met someone and I moved too fast and it ended up a huge disaster. I think I was lonely and afraid and wanted to run away from my pain over the end of a 20 year relationship. My self esteem was crap and I felt so lost and alone.

Anyhow, I'd just say take your time and be careful.
Hugs

Amy - if you dont mind me asking, how did it end up being a disaster?

We do not control the timing, that is correct, but we control what we do and when. i can like someone and that doesn't mean I have to develop anything other than liking him, especially if it doesn't look like a good idea. No JUDGEMENT HERE THOUGH. I know you didn't come here for that.

Your husband seeking treatment is an awesome thing - I wouldn't get back w/him - I would let him finish his treatment and I would let enough time go by to assess if he's really a changed person. Was he drunk every time he abused you mentally and physically? If he wasn't then is it the liquor or a character flaw?

Abuse of any type is a very serious and detrimental thing that leaves wounds - coming back from that is no joke - clear sign to me that a person doesn't love us - love doesn't look like that -but that's just my outlook.

As far as putting your feelings before his? - some situations aren't about feelings - meaning that you make a logic/practical decision depite your feelings or his. Let your husband work out his demonds and in the meantime, take time to figure out yourself without adding another man in the mix. We can begin something when we haven't finished whatever is pending and we have to find contentment in US first before we venture off.

Good luck and best wishes.

Milliejay - Thank you for your advice. To answer your question, no he was not drunk during every incident of abuse. In fact, the last time he hit me, over two years ago, it was shortly after he got home from work and had not been drinking at all. The last incident of emotional abuse was in early February and began after an episode when he was intoxicated. He got drunk one night and when I picked him up from a friend's house he said I was an embarrassment. That following week he would not even acknowledge I existed and he ignored me. The only time he spoke to me was when he said he didnt want to be with me anymore, even though he didnt really mean it. He started treatment shortly thereafter.

So his abuse isn't related to the use of liquor, it might make it worst but he's abusive without drinking. Tough one - deal breaker to me. A man is stronger than me - I am not sticking around to see how mad he gets next time and how badly he beats me. Also, emotional abuse is as bad as slapping someone around. I think you have some thinking to do here. Sit in solitude and think about your peace, your future and safety.

Good luck.

When I remind him that he was not drunk during every incident of abuse he claims that his judgment was still impaired by heavy alcohol consumption. To be honest, I would choose physical abuse over emotional abuse any day. The physical abuse is over quickly but the emotional abuse lasts for a long time.

Aral,
I did not take enough time to really get to know the man I ended up moving in with after my divorce. That was my own fault. At first he made me feel good about myself and pushed a lot of buttons. Turns out he was a possessive, jealous control freak. He had cheated on his ex, which I was aware of. That should have been a red flag. He knocked me down one night - shoved me to the floor. So I left. Then he begged to get me back and after some time we did move back into a house that I bought. Again, his true colors came back in a hurry. It took a ton of courage and support from friends to ask him to leave. At least I had the sense to not marry that one.
And now here I am again, facing another painful end.

We are all human, we make mistakes, we want to trust and believe in the best in the people we love and sometimes that is just not going to happen.
I hope things look up for you and your husband.

I understand where you're coming from. Just know that choosing to date someone WILL complicate things should you end up deciding to work it out later. If you choose to date, you will end up hurting your husband like you said. Also, if you end up changing your mind later and go back to your husband, you could end up hurting the guy you currently have feelings for.

So..I would be sure you are truly done before you decide to go this route.

we definitely cannot control when someone we might like will come into our lives.sometimes we are ready and looking for it and it doesnt come. other times we are already in a complicated situation and it shows up, so it's not ideal timing. so, not judging that or anything, that's just life.

however, i'd say that it sure sounds like you have been through a lot with your H. and whether or not you decide to work it out w him, you really won't heal properly unless you take the time by yourself to work through the emotional, physical, and mental traumas that you have been through. i'm sorry, but that's just how i see things. and i think most therapists/counselors would agree. you need to be able to be happy, healed, and fulfilled alone before you can fully invest in a healthy relationship with someone else. it takes time. if this new person is really what's right for you, there's no need to rush into it before you've fully settled things with your H. if it feels like a "now or never" with him, then maybe it isn't for the best? obviously you're an adult and know how to do what's best for yourself, just something to think about. big hugs to you! :)

I agree with happymama2j ...Have you been to an AL-ANON meeting? I would suggest going for a good while. The people there know exactly what you're going through . You'll see that there are so many similarities to their stories and yours.. It's very typical.
They also recommend that once you start going, hold off on any major decisions, like ones you're contemplating, for a length of time. There is good reason for this.. So please consider going... and keep going. They have tools to help and heal and deal..!!
Good luck to you...

One more thing, and I am definitely not making excuses for your husband....
He may have had a point on his mind being clouded because of all the drinking that he'd done in the past...
Look up PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome).. I think you will find it informative regarding your alcoholic...

That is a very tough situation. I can only imagine how torn you must feel. If your husband has been lead to believe you will work things out, you must first deal with that situation. Throwing someone else into the mix will only make things that much more complicated. I met someone while my husband and I were separated. It ended up taking a larger toll on me in the end. That's why my focus is on me now. I don't want to get involved with someone for the wrong reasons. Standing on my own and rediscovering myself is imperative if I'm ever to have another real relationship again. Good luck to you as you decide what to do. *hugs*

I started going to Al Anon last week and plan to continue going. I already felt better after my first meeting knowing other people have been through similar situations.