@Bridgie.....Well you never disappoint and do tell it as you see it. lol Those two words GUILT and HURT did seem to serve all my family well (Then hubby picked up where they left off) They knew how to stop us dead in our tracks.

Thanks for the HEAD SLAPS....and I did so love that old country tune....bahaha.

I shall try to remember your words of optimism (as far as the overwhelming supply of men out there) The mere thought of finding someone who does want affection (ok I will say it...hot steamy sex) would be too good to be true. But I am not the type of person to work through that "endless supply of man flesh" tossing them aside as I move on to the next. (I have been used and tossed aside....don't want to do that to anyone.)

This past year I have learned so much more about myself...who I am (accepting the good and bad....and the naughty) what I truly want and the fact some very special friends have helped me to realize there is so much more out there and I do deserve better.

I am actually looking forward to getting through this and beginning a new chapter. I told him I wanted to get this going by the end of the month. Next week I took off and told him we need to go through things (rid of what we don't need )and get papers in order.

Mid week is our anniversary and i said maybe we could take a day and do a day trip or something...one last hurrah (on good terms?) After I thought about this I realize it is not such a good idea. I do need another HEAD SLAP. lol

Thank you all so very much for everything

Bridgie always gives me a laugh. And she's right: guilt and hurt.

You did tell him over and over, his choice was to avoid any real change. His reaction to what you said you needed in the marriage was inaction. That horse is dead, you can't beat him anymore and get any benefit out of it. So you stop with the beatings and start saving yourself that emotional angst and exhaustion. All of your efforts are for naught if the other party won't pull their weight. Not talking about him making you happy, opening curtains to let the sun shine in, being your knight in shining armor, but if he won't delve into the issues regarding your marital dysfunction, he's a dead horse.

Should you feel guilty that he didn't care enough to work on the marriage? No. Obviously, those who deny their realities will be hurt when we go ahead and divorce them. Because we dared to follow through on the consequences of their inertness, that which we warned them about, that which they never believed we would do, that which they didn't her because they were busy sticking their fingers in their ears saying "nah, nah, nah, nah, nah" we should feel guilty that they now have to face a new reality? You should only feel guilty if you wronged an innocent person. Your husband is not innocent.

Guilt in your situation probably stems from your lifetime of putting other people's needs before your own. Your sense of self worth is not where it needs to be, hence the guilt. I will tell you that it lessens over time. It takes work to rebuild (or build) your self-worth. Once you start doing that, you won't allow other people to manipulate you so easily. You'll know what's co-dependent and what's healthy.

Be easy on yourself. You're not a bad person, you simply want to end a bad relationship with fairness to your husband.

Thank you all so much. I do not think I would have found the courage to actually say the words and start this process without your support. (wit, candor, wisdom, occasional nudges and head slaps....and anything else I did need )

You may not like what I am about to write, but I feel that another perspective is in order. You may be feeling guilty because you've deeply hurt an innocent bystander.

You seem to have expectations of meeting someone who makes you feel things you haven't felt before. A mighty man, who can treat you and adore you like a princess, well let me tell you something, it's a fantasy in your mind, and the chances of it coming to be, are highly unlikely. You may have used the fantasy, as a rescue, playing and replaying the scenes over and over in your mind, all those years while tending to others. And its not too different from the story of Cinderella, which is probably based on many true stories.

Unhappiness in a marriage, does not rest on the shoulders of the other person. If you're unhappy, that's your department. I hear it all too often, the complaints about spouses, and expectations of them that run the gamut. Expectations will get you every time. The more expectations we have, the higher the frequency of disappointment. Disappointment is something we do to ourselves, by having unmet and displaced expectations.

We all know who we married, let's not kid ourselves, why would we suddenly expect them to change or act any differently. The common denominator becomes us, and our expectations. Dropping expectations is the secret to living a joyful life; know this. We create our own unhappiness by placing unreachable expectations in our path. We do it to ourselves.

You seem to be placing the weight of your future happiness, onto an imaginary figure, your prince in shining armour. But the reality is, the only person who can make you happy, is you. If you feel that life has passed you by, while you've taken care of everyone else, you took on that role, nobody forced it upon you. It's a commendable role to take, but it was one of your choosing, and that might be hard to grasp and own.

I think you're having a mid-life crisis because of it, and you're now wondering if this is all there is to life. And the answer is no, it's not. Life is what you make it, with a massive emphasis on you. It doesn't make itself for you, and there are no princes in shining armour.

If you want to be happy, and feel joy, be the person you want to be with. Blaming others and/or circumstances for our lack of happiness, passion and joy, is a choice. We choose to blame instead of choosing to look inwards to find joy. I don't think hurting and divorcing your husband over your lack of joy, is the right decision. I'd consider seeking counselling with a good therapist, to get to the bottom of it.

Wishing you well.

I do appreciate feedback, both positive and negative (as they both do help to learn and grow)
That being said, I am having a hard time with this.

I do realize I am not blameless here and I am not placing all the blame on him, but I do not see him as an INNOCENT BYSTANDER. I did know who I was marrying (But there are a few things that did change that would put more of a strain on an already wobbly marriage

At 15, I would learn from my mother, grandmothers (then later from an older sister, aunt and cousin) it was a woman's job to take care of her family and do all to help everyone. (unfortunately, no one would ever tell them they would not get that same love, support and help retuned to them.. They would learn quickly to settle and just get by with mere crumbs of attention)

When my mom suddenly died, i took that as a sign ...I was put here to to finish what she did start. I would spend the next 20 years trying to care for an alcoholic father and a younger brother (who would quickly become dads drinking buddy) I would be discounted, ridiculed and the recipient of occasional verbal abuse (now I sometimes get that from hubby)

Throughout the years, I would wind up in counseling several times. I would come to learn of the roles of those in a dysfunctional family...how they serve as a survival mechanism at the time, but then cause us more damage and harm down the line. After dealing with physical (not from abuse, but from circumstances) and emotional pain, I would go from feeling shame, guilt and responsibility (not because I deserved to, but rather I was taught to) to realizing i actually have been blessed. I no longer try to hide in the corner, too embarrassed to even look someone in the eye. Now, I hold my head up, look others in the eye greeting them with a smile and kind words. i want to share with others what i have experienced and learned as well as what they can tell me. I do often turn to my silly sense of humor (as it has served me well to help cope over the years)

I am content with who I have become. (I do get angry with myself though but that is because I do sometimes allow myself to be treated badly when I don't deserve it........Have been feeling this way because of staying for 10 years and "settling") Hubby did "emotionally shut down"... I did soon follow. for me it was a very lonely, empty existence.

Not quite a year ago, I would come to learn from another (sadly not from my husband as I should have) that I was a caring, intelligent , attractive woman who had alot to offer and deserved to be happy. He would tell me how he would treat someone he cared about and that I deserved so much more than i was getting. I found encouragement, support, and acceptance just as I am (the good, the bad, and the naughty) and this did help me through some other isues I had fought most of my life. Even now, I sometimes wonder if this was good or bad. he did "flip a switch" and allow me to open up and feel again but now i want to "step back into life" again. Hubby is content just watching curbside.

I read most of what you've said here in your other posts. We all have similar stories in all honesty, and yours is not really that different or more deserving than anyone else's. You go on about all the things that have happened to you, and how you are the victim in all of it, which is precisely what I'm trying to point out.

You say your husband emotionally shut down, and you soon followed. What happened that lead him to shut down? People don't usually shut down without a good reason. Why didn't you address the situation then, instead of following suit and shutting down yourself? Are you blaming him and do you feel you may have some responsibility for your actions? It seems like you think of yourself as the martyr, who would rather divorce and run away, than figure out what role you play in your unhappiness. No one forces us to play the martyr, and we can blame societal norms and pressures all we want, but at the end of the day it is us who makes the choice, so we can't blame others or circumstances for our current situation.

You mention this gentleman that told you how wonderful you are and the potential you have, well I can't tell you the amount of times I've heard that, LOL. I'm not doubting what he said to be true, as we are all beautiful and deserving beings, but it's also a man's lingo for getting into your skirt, and being as vulnerable as you are, it's completely understandable that you would fall for it, we've all been there.

To be perfectly honest, for all the selfless things you've done for people your entire life, this seems somewhat of a selfish decision. You're dumping your husband for what reasons in particular? All I can see here is a lot of poor me and self-pity, which is quite normal, but it doesn't get us very far and it doesn't guarantee anything.

You may be using the anger you have towards your husband and your past to fuel your reasons to divorce and possibly as a means of not feeling guilty. He's done nothing wrong, from what I can see other than what every other person is guilty of, and he is an innocent bystander in all of this. I hope he can get the support he'll need to help him through the abandonment issues he'll be struggling with.

You can blame him and your life's circumstances all you want, but you can't run away from yourself. Learning about ourselves and the true reasons why we are unhappy, can unlock and free us from ever feeling that way again. I think it would truly benefit you to find a good therapist to help you talk it out and to discover yourself, your emotional boundaries and capabilities.

Wishing you well.