Why do wives keep it in and think about leaving.. then just pull the trigger without sitting their husband down and telling them their thoughts and how they're really going to leave unless things change? My ex wife did the same thing after 24 years together. Just Boom said she'd been thinking about it for a couple years blah blah ..anyways I'm staying single I've had enough of that shit. I kept the house and the respect from our grown kids and just became a grandfather a few weeks ago. She lives in her shitty apartment with the guy she obviously had the hots for and won't have a relationship with her grandson. Good luck.

@kbbcoop77....I realize it does seem like women do always do this. In our case though, I have been trying to tell him for some time...that I haven't been happy and explaining some of the reasons why. The thing is, when he did hear things here and there, he occasionally would try to change. But it lasted for a day (two tops) After that, it was back to "normal"

One of the other guys here on DS pointed out the same thing to me. He said "It sounds like you are beating around the bush. With guys you have to beat us over the head." I came from a dysfunctional family. I try to avoid anger or any type of confrontation at any cost....that is why this was so hard.

We are still talking....Trying to explain how we both do feel. Honestly though, if i think about what you said...I have often left things fester and build inside.....til they finally do come to a head.

You will be OK. Hundreds of people on here have done the same thing and come away happier. My ex is an alcoholic, and even though I told him often over that last year that I was unhappy, told him specifically what needed to change, and asked for a divorce at least once, he still acted all shocked like as if I had flipped out and ended things out of nowhere. It's not you. His denial just kicked in whenever you mentioned you weren't happy. Don't let him place the blame on you. The sooner you can start living apart and practicing no contact, the better. Good luck.

Thank you. We did continue to talk and he did bring up to me how everybody wants more. That is life. I did as he did and shut down all emotions....simply going through the motions. It was a very empty existence.

When I was just 15, my mother died unexpectedly. I did believe that my soul reason for being here on this earth was to care for my then 10 yr old brother and father who would turn to alcohol rather than us kids. I would spend my next 20 years doing all to care for those who would not care for themselves. (Both would continue with their addictions and I was often the object of their resentment and verbal abuse)
I did not actually come to believe I did deserve a life of my own until I was 35. (I never even had sex before this....then it was only with 2 different men before my husband....both were "friends with benefits"=SEX ) We were 40 when we married. Now, 15 years later I am feeling just as I did when I was trying to care for little bro and dad all those years ago. Like this is why I was put here.
Hubby could be content with a roommate, someone to do around the house and help him.

God forgive me.... and maybe I should just be happy with what I have.....but I feel like someone did flip a switch. There is so much I never did dare to imagine I could ever find. But i want a chance. At my age, the fact that I want so desperately to find someone who can't wait to see me (or I him) who's touch will send goosebumps through me....affection, passion and that connection two people do share I have missed for the last 10 years.....tells me I am a foolish romantic. I should probably just resign myself to the fact it is too late. I should be searching for rockers (readying myself for dentures in my pocket soon) instead of feeling like a budding "horntoad" who often (thanks to some oversexed coworkers teasing ) has sex on the brain.

Please forgive me for being a bit too graphic here.

thank you all for your responses.

People think that being alone makes you lonely, but I don't think that's true. Being surrounded by the wrong people is the loneliest thing in the world.

Have you considered counseling or having a great 3rd party listen (like a pastor or a friend's pastor?) Sometimes just being able to talk things out in a controlled situation helps a lot. My husband and I did that and after a couple of sessions we were able to talk about things we both had not discussed but let them come to a head. We now have been married 12 years past that mess! Communication seems to be the worst problem in most marriages it seems. Marriage is worth trying to save, you have many many years of your history with him already! I say hang in there and work at falling back in love with him! Have dates, and weekend trips, do things that you used to when you were dating. Have fun and try not to dwell on the negative things and move on together. He may feel the same way when you get to talking!

You wrote, "What did I do?" Oh, I dunno... THE RIGHT THING??!?!! Look: You don't have children. That makes this analysis a lot less complex: Split from your husband. Absolute worst case? You go get a job at a nursing home, taking care of old depressed people and, voila, you'll be right back to where you started. Am I right, or am I right?

@ Mr. Cellophane.....put that way, I do believe that is about where I. do currently feel. Been there, done that want so much more. Am I crazy?

I wished my husband would have tried, he said he would we went to counseling I thought we were working through it and bam 2 weeks ago he ended it and I found out he was with that other woman the whole time hurts he didn't try. U can't work on a relationship when ur involved with another.

@Shaner23.... That is another reason I felt I had to do this. Because I would not ever begin another relationship while still technically married and attached to someone. That is something I would not want done to me (or me to another, no matter how bad the situation was) Vows are to mean something.

I feel like i am in the same boat but i have kids. I try explaining to him he changes for a day or 2 then goes back to his old self. I tried for years now. Told.him how unhappy i am. I am scared to leave. I dont have anywhere to go. Scared i cant do it alone with 3 kids. All that matters to him is him. I wish i was steong enough to leave

@cici67....I know exactly how you feel. I have been with him for more than 15 years, but I still remember all too well how hard it is with one income to make it . In my family fear was often an easy way to control us. I think hubby (and yours too) are probably well aware of that by now. This is how they get away with one or two days of change....then they remember...."hey, she's too scared to leave, i don't need to do this" and here we both are.

I have thought about possibly finding a friend to share an apt or home. That may be an option for you too. If you found another (with kids)to share rent for a house you could even help out with each others child care saving you on an added expense.

If I was nearby, i would have been glad to give it a go with you and your kids. I never had any (was always sorry about that) I did have several friends who offered me their kids for a day...(said that would end my desire for wanting any. lol)

My wish for you would be to realize that you deserve better than what you are stuck dealing with. And that you could find someone to help . Maybe there is a low income housing or a local church group that could help you find a solution. It would be better for you and your kids to be away from that.

if he loved you, you would never have been unhappy or stubbed your toe or got a splinter,
if he loved you enough, he'd know when to open the shade and let the sun, to draw the blinds and make you tea
what a selfish boneheaded rotten prick is he

Two absolutely jarring things you say.

1. guilt.

WHAT THE FUCK. Come on. What guilt? Who did you kill? Where are the dead bodies?

2. 'hurt'

If I could stand up and clap I would. Oh poor fucking diddums. Hurt is he? Well played! He's got an issue? give him a tissue.

He's had fifteen years to avoid being hurt. Hasn't he.

Fifteen years to avoid it by not being a walking corpse.

He got what he earned. He got what he paid for. Do not carry the blame for the consequences of HIS actions!

You need to throw these manipulation words and techniques in the bin. Hurt is as hurt does. If he don't like to be hurt, maybe he better not hurt. How hurt have you been over the 15 yrs? Does that count for nothing?

And as to guilt. Guilt is for moral wrongs. Guilt is for the bad guy. You carry his guilt for him? You're guilty because he's been negligent to the point where you're about to jump off a cliff? That's YOUR fault is it?

I'm sorry I know I'm an incredible cow but man I am triggered. I am triggerred and angry. Absolutely angry that these utter cunts play us for fools and we race to enable them as fast as they can say 'oh I don't like you breathing baby. it upsets me. Stop.'

Fuck's sake. Insert huge rant here encompassing things about morality, about feminism, about being a doormat and about selling your own life down the river.

I leave you with a song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DBpeK9yaONQ

You're going to do ANYTHING better without that rotting albatross around your neck. Anything.

You get to be you. You get to laugh at whatever jokes you like. You get to have whatever friends you like. you get to have men sweet talk you and buy you things. You get to get laid for crying out loud. Guys feckin crawl all over us. There is no absence of manflesh.

Better to be happy and poor than rich and miserable.

" you get to have men sweet talk you and buy you things "

So very giving of you bridgie