Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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tjfamf 01/07/2016

have you ever wanted to pour your heart out to your spouse that wants the divorce because you still are in love with them ? I find myself wanting to do this so badly lately and just don't know what or how to do it. Shes so standoffish that I know it probably wouldn't do any good. god knows ive tried for months but in conversations . now I just wish she would listen to what I want to say. I keep thinking this is very selfish to want to do. my mind battles with issues like if she wanted you than this would not be occurring , if I truly respected her id let her go , or the old saying ... if you love them , let them go ...

yes I am selfish because my live is being destroyed , I have been torn in half loosing half of me. god said, and please don't quote me but it goes something like this, the man shall leave her mother and be with his wife , the two shall become one flesh. well we were "one" for 20 years , 16 married, and it feels like im loosing half my soul. shattered and broken .

I've tried so many things to repair our marriage with no affect on her. I know ive heard that the one that wants out has already made up their mind long before we find out but our life is slightly different ... we still live together which makes it near impossible to move forward even if I wanted to . so I wonder why, why is she still here? yes financially its very hard for her to move out , but if shes so determined to get out of this marriage (9 months of zero affection or hint of love) I cant stop fighting for my marriage , yes ive calmed down per her wishes of "nagging her " but I feel the overwhelming desire to pour my heart out to her. what do I do ???

kbbcoop77 01/07/2016

You won't heal until you separate and it's a long road even after that. Pouring your heart out at this point is senseless. You have to split up the living arrangements. Otherwise you're screwed.

thiscantbe 01/08/2016

TJ,

Has she already served you with divorce papers?

Do you want to pour your heart out to her because you don't think that she really knows how you feel?

If, she does know that you deeply love her & that you would do anything to hold your marriage together & she still served you divorce papers, ... Pray.

If you want to give it ONE last heart warming try, ... go for it, ... but then be done with it. You can't make someone stay married if they want out. No matter how hard you try. :(

And I totally agree with Kbbcoop, living under the same roof makes it next to impossible to move forward without much added heartbreak. The least amount of contact, usually the quickest healing.

My heart hurts for you as I know that your situation is very complicated as far as being able to have separate housing. You are holding up much better than I ever could & I am old enough to be your Mom. (Older & wiser, lol)

Only you can decide when enough is enough. It took me two years of breaking my own heart. Sometimes, it takes more strength to just let go. Not because you want to, but because you have to, the decision was made for you.

Know your own value, you are a good man. We all, including myself, have flaws & imperfections but that doesn't mean that it is okay for someone, even if we love them, to continue to disrespect us.

Thoughts & prayers, TCB

patti22 01/08/2016

The door is there, she can leave when she wants.

Until then, telling her how you feel is fair game and not unreasonable.

The best and Only reason not to do so, is that it is you will probably get hurt. But at this point, will it make any difference? Perhaps you've followed her directions and allowed this to be far too comfortable for her.

thiscantbe 01/08/2016

I forgot the (lol) after the older & wiser ... :)

hopeless73 01/08/2016

Continuing on thiscantbe's post - do you really think after 20 years together she doesn't know how you feel? On the other hand, my thoughts always have been - you need to give it everything you've got - then you can walk away knowing you've done absolutely everything you could have done to fix things. No regrets as far as leaving anything unsaid.

If you have a question in your mind that she doesn't actually know the depth of your commitment to the relationship, by all means pour out all your thoughts and feelings to her. Don't expect anything in return.

At least you will not be left wondering "what if".

I too felt an overwhelming compulsion to tell my STBX how I felt about him. Once I got it all out and he made it obvious he had moved on, I was able to begin my healing.

Praying for you.

strongandsilent 01/09/2016

Yes. I absolutely get it. When I get sad and lonely, I instinctively reach out for my ex who, for more than half my life, was my best friend. But,... they are the one that caused the pain. It is hard... and will be hard for a long time. But you can do it!

idontmakeherhapyenuf 01/09/2016

I have been and still are in a similar situation. Every once in a while I even see a glimmer of sorrow/regret from her. As Patti states, you are setting yourself up for pain, BUT as True says, you have to go through that to get to the other side. I am still on that journey but one night I bared it all to her. All the pain and anguish, all the regret and even hope for future reconciliation. Living through the responses and even lack thereof helped me realize she is gone. Without it being a conscious decision or action on my part, I felt the hope lessen and disappear.

I still deeply love my wife and because of that am feeling incredible pain, BUT it was the hope that kept me from moving forward. Now I can start to work on myself and heal. I'm nowhere near even the midpoint of this journey but I'm at least moving in the right direction now.

Go in with your eyes wide open and prepared for the pain. Be honorable and kind, but I say do it.

tjfamf 01/13/2016

Well as most of you said or guessed. It didn't go the way in wished it would. I poured my heart out to her and asked her not to give up in our marriage .... basically she dosent want to be married to anybody including me and dosent want to answer to anybody but herself anymore. She says she can't take feeling bad about herself anymore. She just wants to be with the kids and that's all. Says I'm a very good husband but she can't keep feeling like she's not living up to my standards or needs. I just dont know anymore.

kbbcoop77 01/15/2016

Have you moved any further along in regards to the living arrangements? My ex wife said the exact same things but unfortunately she already had her claws into someone else, so it was all lies. Don't be shocked when the truth comes out. That's why I'm saying you need to get her out from under the same roof. You're making this way too easy for her. I was gonna let my wife stay but after 3 weeks of living in hell and she was fine leaving Fridays and coming home Sunday nights drunk while I was with our daughter all weekends...I told her to move out. Best move I made

LostNFound3 01/15/2016

Coop has good advice. It was the same for me until I left the home, and then it took me 18 months to really feel whole again. That road to recovery was not a straight line by any means, and I get wanting to pour your heart out. If only you could make them understand how you really feel, how much you love them, how willing you are to do anything to make it work, ... Trust me. I've been there as have so many others here.

The thing is, it isn't about how you feel or what you're willing to do. It is all about them and what they want. Usually, as in my case and Coop's and many more, there is already at least an emotional affair going on, and often a physical one. They are already gone, which is why they seem so indifferent to our pain.

Your best bet is to physically separate. You cannot begin to heal until that happens. Best wishes.

thiscantbe 01/15/2016

Hang in there, my friend, as you are not alone in the battle of broken hearts. We all hoped & prayed that things would work out differently for ourselves & you. Sometimes we just can't change the situation no matter how hard that we try. ;( Maybe a round of Divorce Care would be beneficial for you also. Thoughts & prayers to you & your family. TCB

tjfamf 01/17/2016

All of your advice is absolutely correct as someone looking in. I really try to stay emotionally distant. In my heart I guess I probably believe she has moved on with someone at least emotionally. I fear the physical part and don't want to ever think about that. I really wish it was that simple to have different living arangements it would do everybody some good. It just isn't that simple. I've started going to therapy for myself and am trying to work out how to get out of this cloud and push myself into reality so I don't get hit even harder that I am already. The only problem I can't work out is me... im just not ready to give up. There are oh so many reasons to do just that but then there are much bigger reasons to fight for my marriage for as long as it takes. Its not in me to give up. Everybody I know and most on here just can't believe I haven't snapped yet and left my marriage. Nobody seems to understand how I can take so much hurt from her. Hell neither can i , but if I don't fight til I can't fight anymore than I will always believe I gave up. And I don't do that.... confused as always and more and more hurt indo understand the things must change its not going to be me that moves out. Don make it easy for her ..I guess i do. The last time I asked her to move out since she is the one that filed for the divorce she took me to court to have me kicked out. Thank god judge through it out but I just sort of backed down after that. My lawyer was afraid she would go after a pfa against me. If I breathe wrong she can get me taken out of my home... I just dont know

MyTrueColors 01/17/2016

There's a different between giving up and accepting. Giving up is actually an illusion that you actually have control over another person.

Accepting is releasing that illusion and understanding there is nothing you can do to change her.

There's an old, very true saying that the tighter you hold on to something, the more it resists. Letting go actually allows room for the possibility of change. As long as you hold tight, that possibilty doesn't exist. (Not saying it will change anything, cuz it probably won't. But I am saying there is NO chance of change as long as you hold on.)

You might find that once you let go everything will become easier. Believe me, I understand where you are. I spent my whole life holding on and seeing giving up as a bad thing. And I can tell you that it doesn't work. The only thing that works is to detach with love and move toward accepting and letting go.

You said,
"but if I don't fight til I can't fight anymore than I will always believe I gave up."

Believe it or not, you can choose to change what you believe. Try exchanging the words "I gave up" for "I accepted what is."

Next remove the judgment you have toward yourself about giving up. Ask your therapist to help you with this.

Also, saying simple positive affirmations every day while looking into a mirror will help you to change how you see yourself.

Examples of affirmations are:

I accept what is.
I let go.
I am allowed to accept and let go, so I give myself permission to let go.

~healing hugs~

kbbcoop77 01/17/2016

Good advice My True Colors
And the reality is SHE gave up already not you.
There's plenty of posts on here of people "who fight fight fight" for their marriage but if only one is fighting I'm afraid it's a losing battle.

justsukie 01/18/2016

I have to agree, perhaps getting some physical separation will help.

I just did it myself, it's a bumpy road to get started with it, but I feel like I have some hope finally. I was married for 8 years and we've just filed for divorce and I was living under the same roof until the court orders decided what was going to happen.

I was dying a slow death and if not an alcoholic already I was becoming one.

Making the decision to leave was probably the most gut-wrenching day of my life. it is so much easier said than done.

But, I've been out for 10 days. And yesterday was the first day I actually had some peace inside. Please consider it, you deserve the break and some peace for yourself.

Please reach out to me at any time. I just moved out myself and have a pretty good idea about what you're going through. Be well, be strong, but most of all love yourself.

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